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Latent Anger in Reconciliation Efforts

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taffycat11 posted 6/10/2013 17:25 PM


My WH and I have been working at R for a little over a year (read story in profile). We have been in intense MC for most of the time, tapering off to once/twice a month now.

We've made a lot of progress in understanding each other, recognizing our behaviors that caused us to be so isolated from one another and ultimately led to unhappiness for both of us (he is the only one who had affairs in response to this unhappiness... I retreated into my children and job).

We're a ways out now but lately I feel the anger returning. I don't know if I can be with someone who treated our marriage and relationship so callously. I wonder if I was perhaps afraid of the intensity of that anger and hurt for the first year and now I can look back on it and say, wow. I don't know if I can get over this.

I find myself focusing on our incompatible areas (he isn't spontaneous, we often don't share a sense of humor and quite frankly, I just think I might have more fun/compatibility with someone else--there is no one else I have in mind, just a general feeling).

Trouble is, we've built a life together. We have a big mortgage, 2 small kids, many mutual friends... all the trappings of married life. I am scared to break that up. I know all of you have that, too. Our kids have been through moves and school transitions... I don't want to make things worse. But I look at him and I really don't know if I can stay. And I equally really don't know if I can go.

I never went to IC after DDay, and I can tell I need to do that. But just curious about your experiences with anger and betrayal more than a year out...

sisoon posted 6/10/2013 18:18 PM

taffycat, IMO, the anger you talk about is common and normal.

You talk of some incompatibilities. They could be problems, but not necessarily.

Have you talked about your anger and thoughts about incompatibilities with your H? If not, is that possible, either inside or outside an MC session? If not, why not?

Have you done anything with the '5 love language' stuff? The incompatibilities could be related to differences in the ways you both want to be communicated with?

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