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UKlady posted 6/10/2013 17:53 PM forget/get over/stop being traumatised by the actual hurt of being betrayed? Knowing that he actually made a choice and it wasn't you?

[This message edited by UKlady at 1:07 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

LA44 posted 6/10/2013 18:04 PM

((UKlady)) The pain does diminish in time IF the spouse is doing the work, being remorseful - speaking/behaving. But I know I won't ever forget this time in our lives.

You are still so close to D-Day. When I look back at myself in January, I was raw, Feb., a mess, March, feeling confident about his behavior but still angry and confused, end of April, things seemed to get easier but today things have improved that much more. Six months later I can see how my good days in Feb., are no where near as good as my days in May.

Also, please try to remember that yes, while he chose to have sex with another person, I feel confident when I say, "it had very little to do with you."

The more I learn about my H, the more I know this much to be true.

UKlady posted 6/11/2013 01:14 AM

Thank you LA44.

I'm a real mess right now. Both me and my WH. Today is results day for the STI tests and he has to be 100 miles away for work. He is supposed to stay overnight in a hotel but has decided he will drive home tonight and drive back in the morning.

He is doing ALL the right things to aid R - you name it he's doing it.

Also, please try to remember that yes, while he chose to have sex with another person, I feel confident when I say, "it had very little to do with you."

I believe this but I can't get over the fact that his choice was made and he knew what he was doing. Yes she was manipulative and damaged and emotionally blackmailed him - I do believe this too - BUT still that choice and that choice is crippling me.

2married2quit posted 6/11/2013 09:26 AM

All I can tell you is that it does get better. You get stronger as the guilt really takes a toll on him. Later, you may even feel sorry for him for falling to such a horrible place.

UKlady posted 6/11/2013 13:05 PM

2married2quit - thank you for your words. He is so wrecked with guilt he is a totally broken man. I can see the genuine torture he is going through and, yes, I do feel sorry for him at times but still it comes back to feeling that it wouldn't have been necessary if he had kept his clothes on

I so want the pain to end or reduce enough to be able to breathe

Bikingguy posted 6/11/2013 13:26 PM

my friend who went through this described it like this.

The A is like statue in a museum. It is right in the main room front and center. No way to go in without seeing it. It's pretty much all that is talked about and main focus.

Believe it or not at some point it will get moved to a room off the main hall. Still visiable but not the main focus.

Still later it will get moved to another room near the back. And hopfull boxed up and moved to the back for storage. Still there and can be viewed but long since lost it's importance.

For me it's still pretty much front and center (5 months next week), but it has already lost some of it's attention. Still unbelievable to me, so clearly not at acceptance or forgiveness. However we are doing all we can, WW is working hard and so time is pretty much the main thing now.

Hope this helps in some way.

2married2quit posted 6/11/2013 13:36 PM

It's front and center for us after 1yr, but it's beginning to be moved further back. Not the talk we have ALL the time, but during the week we do not talk about it. However, at least one day out of the weekend is ruined by it.

UKlady - I'm sorry, I know the pain. I know how it feels. It's horrible.

Rebreather posted 6/11/2013 13:45 PM

It does get better. But it does take a long time. Maybe just knowing that the pain WILL lessen with time and work is helpful.

The fact that he is driving 100 miles back and forth to be with you today is a VERY good sign!!

LA44 posted 6/11/2013 13:53 PM

Yes Bikingguy! I love that. I have read that before too.

Thank you for re-posting.

The one thing I did not want was for my H to experienced long periods of shame. Shame is crippling. People get stuck in it. It took him some time but he finally did move from shame and started being more productive.

I do find that feeling compassion for my H who was clearly broken at the time helps me. It is not easy to feel this for someone who has brought chaos to your life and I can't say I have been able to apply this to every person whom I care about but has hurt me. But I love him. Believe in him.

((UKlady), I am cheering you and your H on.

catlover50 posted 6/11/2013 13:54 PM

I agree that it helps to know that it was not about you. And also, that we are all very fallible human beings. We all have our issues that lead us to make bad choices in life, and some of our issues are deeper and more damaging than others. The fact that we would never dream of behaving this way often means that our demons are not as powerful.

Assuming all that, the only thing that your WH can do now is absolutely everything in his power to help you heal yourself, heal himself, and make the rest of your married life so much better that one day you may feel that the pain was worth it. Not too much to ask, right?

That's what I have asked for, and so far, that's what I'm getting.

Hugs to you.

Skan posted 6/11/2013 17:03 PM

It gets better, with a truly remorseful spouse. Much, much better. Yes, you will still think about it, but the soul-crippling anguish will lesson. Right now, when I think about it, yeah, I'm sad and occasionally get depressed. Occasionally I will get angry about it. But the edges are blunted. It's not that raw and anguished. I'm not lost in my pain. I can see his pain, remorse, and bad days and give him comfort from my heart.

His choice had nothing to do with me. Not a damned thing. It had to do with his own crippled coping lack of ability. His ONS hurt me badly and broke a part of me. I see now that it also broke him, almost in two. I carry a lot of sorrow and sadness, but he carries guilt and the knowledge that he was not the man that he thought he was. Together we are two flawed people, who are now trying to do our best for each other and oursleves.

But with all of that, I cannot tell you how many joyful days we have! What pleasure we have simply sitting next to each other reading. How we unconciously reach out to each other for loving touches and for comfort. Life after this hell can be good, very good indeed. As a matter of fact, it can be wonderful. (((hugs)))

MissLonelyHeart posted 6/11/2013 18:51 PM

I don't think it ever has anything to do with us, ever.
It is something broken/wrong with and in them.
If they are unhappy in the marriage, then man up and say it. They are unhappy with themselves when they cheat, not us.

UKlady posted 6/12/2013 01:25 AM

I am so grateful for these wonderful responses - thank you so much everyone for responding. The support here is humbling and it's so good to hear from people with experience that it does get better.

My H and I are restarting MC tomorrow and, although I'm slightly reluctant, I still have high hopes that this can help too.

I guess I'm in need of coping mechanisms during those intensely down periods when I feel that the roller coaster hasn't only dipped it's gone deep underground and I can't see the light above me. The analogy of the statue in the museum is a good one to think about (thank you Bikingguy).

H drove home last night to be with me and left again this morning before 6am to drive back the 100 or more miles for his work course and I was grateful to him for that.

There are good signs, I realise that, I just want to get those dismal dark thoughts/pictures of what he did out of my head.

Thank you all for the continued support.

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