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sadallthetime posted 6/10/2013 18:24 PM

It's been almost 4 years since 1st DD and I just want to share something that happened that shows me I am healing. FWH got a part time job several months ago working in a liquor store. He use to be a corporate executive,, president of a company etc. and doesn't make much money with this job but that's not the point. He was in sales and marketing and just likes interacting with the customers and really needed something more to do since he retired. Recently the way he gets his paychecks changed. He use to just get a check and either deposit it in our joint account or give it to me to deposit. Now he is getting paid by direct deposit and he instructed them to put the checks in his personal checking account. We both got personal accounts in addition to our joint account a couple years ago when we separated with enough money for each of us to live on for a year or so taken from our investment account and divided equally. After thinking about this new development with his paycheck I spoke with him this morning about it. I told him I would like for him to have the paychecks deposited in our joint account. I said it was not the money but the principal. Even though he has been the main breadwinner over our 33 year marriage, we both considered all money to belong to both of us and made any major purchase decisions together. I told FWH that I felt he should do this for 2 reasons. First of all in recent years when I made any commissions (I am a real estate broker with my own small company - part time mostly) I deposited the money made into our joint account. For the last several years he was not working so my commissions were part of our income. Secondly, he spent quite a bit of my (and our) money over 11 years on prostitutes and other women (emotional affairs - dinners, lunches, paying for things they "could not afford" so he could feel like a KISA)and also spent on his escalating porn addiction. His paycheck is a drop in the bucket compared to these things and the money spent pales when the emotional and mental pain he has caused me is considered. I was calm, stated my thoughts and didn't go back over all his indiscretions. He listened and agreed. That was it. No emotional scene, with us both becoming angry, which is what usually happened in the past. Later I got an email he copied me on asking the payroll person to change the deposits to our joint account and giving her the information. This may seem like a small thing but it makes me feel good that we were able to discuss this calmly and come to a quick agreement without either of us getting angry. Our relationship is not the same but I don't want it to be the same. I will never go back to feeling the way I did through his years of infidelities - being subtly manipulated and not knowing why he was becoming short and unhappy with me. It may take a long time (a very long time in our case) but healing does occur and things do get better. Cheers!