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False R

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RedPen posted 6/10/2013 19:30 PM

Seems false R is pretty common on this board... How did you discover the A hadn't really ended?

DDay for me was in Oct. I kicked H out as soon as I found out. He continued A until Jan (i think) and moved back home late Feb. We are working on R ... both in IC and MC but I often find myself with doubts. I haven't found anything to give me doubts but trusting is so hard.

NoraLee posted 6/10/2013 19:36 PM

Ugh! I've been in R for 9 months and this is a reoccurring fear of mine...

What if all this time, while I'm appreciating his spectacular efforts and massive changes...he's really still seeing her and getting a jolly kick with her at how easily I'm fooled?

Like you, I have no red flags, cell phone is clear, full transparency...but what if they're still at it and I'm foolishly getting my warm fuzzies at the thought of him giving her the cold shoulder?

My H used to be an awful liar - I could always tell...until the A...he perfected his skills when it really counted I guess...

HFSSC posted 6/10/2013 20:08 PM

Our false R occurred before I discovered SI and before I understood anything about NC, transparency, etc.

JM was living in an apartment, but could not pay his bills. We were drowning financially, and he seemed to be truly remorseful. Supposedly, everyone in his family had turned their back on him. I was the "only" one who spent time with him, cared about him, etc. We were supposedly working toward R. (except for the part I didn't know about OW having a key to his apartment and sleeping there as often as I did... no idea how he kept it all straight) He finally decided to "come clean" with me. What that meant was telling me enough of the truth to pacify his conscience. He got on his knees and begged to come home.

I was so happy. I was upset about the "truth" that he had disclosed, but happy that he had finally told me the "truth". I decorated the entire yard with yellow ribbons. The boys made posters that they hung up, welcoming him home. We had what I called our amnesty conversation. I told him I was 100% committed to our R and there was nothing he could tell me that would make me call it off, but I needed to know every bit of the truth. He insisted I knew everything. That he had NC with OW for 6 months. That he didn't even know how to get in touch with her.

3 months later, while driving his truck for the first time, I found an old checkbook. Flipped through it and found 2 checks, totaling $250 that he had written to her 2 weeks AFTER he moved back home. After the amnesty conversation. Confronted him, had a big screaming match. He lied a bunch more, and thought he had convinced me. I just decided to play along and go into investigative mode. 2 days later, he left his phone out, and bingo! It all unraveled. At the end of the day, I discovered he had called/texted multiple times daily for the entire year. That he had talked to her multiple times every day of our vacation. It was horrible. He ended up coming to my job and threatening to kill himself.

Even after finding SI and demanding transparency, we still had another bump in the road last May. Our cell phone provider does not include call logs with the bills. I knew that something was still wrong. I asked him if he had broken NC and he said no. I asked what the phone records would show me and he looked me dead in the eye and said I could order all the records and would not find any contact.

Yeah, that was a lie.

That was (as far as I know) the last lie. I told him at that point that I was absolutely done. I didn't care if he contacted her again. I felt absolutely dead. And it scared him crapless.

That's when he joined SI, started reading and posting, read Not Just Friends, read the Bible, got active at church, quit drinking, read everything I'd ever printed out for him to read, took the lead in MC, and just generally did everything I had ever even thought about asking him to do. He has absolutely carried the weight of our R over the past year, and it shows.

The more time that goes by, the more that he proves himself trustworthy, the easier the trust is. It takes time.

Ashland13 posted 6/10/2013 20:23 PM

I lived this, also prior to knowledge of SI.

It was equally as bad for me as DDay, because Perv knew how much I wanted M and it is one thing that pushed me to D. Knowing the extent of cruelty he exhibited, but I will not to go into that.

When he "returned", he had not really officially ended it with OW, but led me to believe so.

The first clue was his behavior. He did not act like a man who was reconciling for more than two days. There were two days that were like a dream for me, ecstasy, that my life would get to continue what I planned and worked at for 20 years.

But his actions, his behavior, his demeanor...weren't what they once were, weren't consistent, weren't always warm towards me. Sometimes, very much so (this was acting) and more and more as the days went on, he became this monster-person, even making fun of me, saying, "trigger, trigger, trigger" in a low sing-song voice.

Previously, he had been a very chatty man who adored attention and hearing himself talk. During those days, he barely grunted in conversation and spent much of his time in solitude (he was texting OW) or darting around if we were out, never, ever in the same room with me.

The distance he kept from me was palpable...I kept thinking, why isn't he getting closer? He'd sit on a different couch or not near me at meals, but be "reconciling?"

It began to happen where he would say things that wouldn't add up. It was the holidays, with gatherings and extra relatives and he would tell me how excited he was to see so-and-so again, but make a last-minute bail out...he was meeting OW instead when DD and I would go and we would cry because we both wanted him with us.

I suspect I could write forever on it and I'm sorry.

My neighbor is a BS too and she says "Oh, you just know. You feel a drop in your gut and have to sit down and can't speak, know. They are not themselves and things don't add up.

He would delete his cell phone's log and he would unblock the mobile phone website when I would ask to look. He would make every excuse not to get tested for STD's so we could "get closer" and I know it's because he had no intention. He kept saying "ok" but making ways not to do it, like other things for true reconciling.

You will just...know. And I hope you won't ever.

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