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Marley76 posted 6/10/2013 22:15 PM

I just found out this weekend that the man who I have been in love with, sharing a home, and being a mother to our children (not from each other) has been living a secret life. Having affairs with not one but two women that he works with and they are both still in love with him. He often takes trips to the beach to surf. Most of the time I stay home with the kids since it would just be overnight. He was taking these women with him. Meeting their families. Being threatened by husbands. Getting in trouble at work for inter office affairs. He told the I was his ex and he was just helping me out. I had my suspicions and checked his phone and there it was! Mistress 1. He admited about her and we talked about our relationship. I was going to give him a second chance. The. I checked his phone again. Mistress 2. I texted this one and she was all too willing to share the details of their affair. It's twisted and I am sickened. I don't live this kind of life and lies.
Me and my daughters will be moving in a few weeks. This is going to be hard. I work full time and my kids are little. I have much to do with a heavy heart.
Of course he is sad and sorry. He thinks we can work it out. I think he is more sorry he got caught. Without trust there is nothing. I feel nothing.
Thanks for listening survivors.

fromthisdayfwd posted 6/10/2013 22:19 PM

Marley ~ Follow your instinct. Yes, it is hard. However, staying with a man who 'doesn't really want you that bad' is hard, too.

NoraLee posted 6/10/2013 22:36 PM

Welcome, and I'm sorry you're here. However, you'll find all the support you can hope for as you struggle through this devastation. Post often and read even more. We know how you're feeling and we get it. You already sound so strong in your decisions - but we're here for the triumphs and the tribulations. Take care of you first - betrayal wreaks havoc - emotionally, psychologically as well as physically.


Ps. Most of us don't use the term mistress glorifies their role and status - most call them OW (other woman) although you'll also find much more colourful creative names for these...ahem...women. Keep reading - you'll find your favourites!

Marley76 posted 6/10/2013 23:12 PM

Thank you. I'm sorry I have to be here but just reading the posts from so many brave loving human beings who have suffered is a comfort. I'm not alone.
Is there a place to find the abbreviations? I don't know them. I agree with not using the other term for the OW! i have some rated R names i could use too LOL! What can we do if not laugh...*sigh*

NoraLee posted 6/10/2013 23:27 PM

I know - the many abbreviations can be daunting! Go to the healing library (yellow box - upper left) along the top once you're in the library, you'll see a link for acronyms. They're not the only ones...there's another list somewhere. If you're not sure while reading, just ask.

For months I thought STBX H (soon to be ex husband) stood for shitbox husband - I still read it that way even though I know the correct meaning!

Marley76 posted 6/10/2013 23:42 PM

Got it! My STBX-SO is a SOB, POS with NPD. Long term PA's with 2 OW. Trying to keep a positive PMA
He is a shitbox too.

NoraLee posted 6/10/2013 23:52 PM


Williesmom posted 6/11/2013 06:52 AM

Marley, don't forget about the most important abbreviation: FTG!

Stay strong.

painpaingoaway posted 6/11/2013 07:16 AM

I'm so sorry Marley. The pain is excruciating.

But, it sounds like you've mastered the abbreviation's quite quickly, and you have a great sense of humor.

Just a reminder...get tested for STD's.

Peace and strength to you.

1Faith posted 6/11/2013 08:54 AM


Sorry you are here but you are correct. This is a good and safe place for you to be.

We all have been through this one way or another. And while everyone's journey is unique there are many common threads.

Please take care of you and your daughters first.

Take some time to come to grips with all of this.

Is he at all remoresful? Did he explain why he thought it was okay to live his life like this? How he was able to be so disrespectful to everyone involved?

Stay strong and follow your instinct.

We are here and we are all rooting for you.

This is a tough road but you will be okay and you will come out the other side.

Good luck.

Pudding posted 6/11/2013 09:19 AM

Love Shitbox

stillhere09 posted 6/11/2013 09:44 AM

Hi Marley,
So sorry. There are some who are just serial cheaters, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I'm so glad you made the healthy decision for yourself and your daughters. Stick to it.

Ashland13 posted 6/11/2013 18:09 PM

HI Marley,

I'm sorry for your trouble but glad you are so strong.

Your descriptions of your WH (wayward husband) fit STBXH, who I call Perv, short for "Disgusting Pervert".

OW is called "Fatty B", for her size and BI...there are more words for them, a neighbor calls Perv "Happy Pants" and he had a cow when he learned that one, but it's not wrong, is it? and then there are the swears.

I hope you're move will be a quick adjustment and you and girls will like your new place. We may have to do that to.

Again, I commend your strength to leave and not tolerate the sh, knowing you don't have to take it.

I think that can be a hard lesson sometimes?

Another one that drove Perv nuts was when he was pretending to reconcile, we came across "AP", which is Affair Partner. He snarled at it, which was a little red flag clue.

Marley76 posted 6/11/2013 18:54 PM

The STBX SO is remorseful but hardly by any person who has morals standards. He has asked that I give him another chance. He does not want to lose his family (my daughters and his son have been together as a "family" for 3 years. He says he will not do these types of things and have open communication. He also says there are things we can do so I know where he is at all times. Like I want a bf who wears a tracking device. And he told me all these things via text cause he's cowardly. Currently he is sleeping in another room.
My pain comes and goes in waves. It is so extreme especially in the morning I feel I can't breathe. By noon I'm mad and revengeful. And in the evening I want to be depressed so I curl up in a ball and read about other people going through this nightmare. He's prob out with his OW's right now. I just can't wait to get out of here. I have to dig deep to find the strength to seperate and pack my life. Be a mom and go to work. God will see me through this. I've been through this before. I was married for 10 years but I was not heartbroken when I left him. He was an open bastard. My STBX SO was a closet one. That hurts so much more.

1Faith posted 6/12/2013 09:13 AM


This is all very new and raw for you. Your feelings will vacilate. This is normal. You have been through a shock to your body, mind and soul. It is a lot to absorb.

You don't have to make and decisions now but do start to identify your boundaries. What you will and won't accept.

I suggest IC for your SO and for you.

I would also suggest getting tested for STD's.

I am including the timeline for healing to let you know that this is process and regardless if you stay and try to R or you go - you will have to heal from the betrayl either way.

Please be kind to yourself and look out for you. You matter and you are important. You deserve a relationship based on honesty, truth and love.

Good luck. Keep moving.


Timeline of Recovery

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....

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