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Tell me this gets easier

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Spitfire77 posted 6/10/2013 22:20 PM

So our second affair D-day (third actual D-day of our marriage, how sad) happened just over four months ago. I know things are all really fresh still, but I have been feeling really low.

Bottom line, I still love him. My heart breaks every night when things get quiet because I miss him. He was my best friend and I cannot believe he did this, yet again. I know how stupid it sounds for me to be saying that I still love someone who stabbed me in the back countless times, but I do.

It hurts when I know that while I'm going to bed alone, he's living with the new OW/GF, having written off me and (even worse) his children. I know that he's a piece of crap husband and father. I just wish he weren't. I wish my kids didn't have to ask why Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together anymore. Or the anger in my son's eyes when he tells me (out of hearing range of his sister) that he knows why Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore. Because Daddy has a girlfriend, and Daddy thinks she's prettier and nicer than Mommy (my in-laws discussed this in front of the kids before we moved). But that it's not true and his Daddy is a bad husband. And not to worry because I'll always have him and his sister, so I'll never be alone. It' not fair that my babies have to go through this. It's not fair that my babies are going through what I went through. I know this means they'll possibly have the chance to see what a stable, healthy relationship looks like, but I hated being the child of divorced parents and I didn't want it for them.

Sorry for being so long-winded. Just a lot on my brain tonight. I know it'll get easier, I'm just impatient. I wish I could move on as quickly at my stbX.

nowiknow23 posted 6/10/2013 22:31 PM

(((((spitfire))))) As trite as it sounds, it will get better, honey. There are no rougher times then when our kids are hurting from all this. Big hugs to you and your children.

SBB posted 6/11/2013 05:31 AM

The first part is the hardest.

I remember when I was where you are now someone here said to me "Sometime very soon this won't be something that is happening, it will be something that has happened".

Whilst it is happening there are no words of comfort to soothe you.

Please know you are not alone. Please know you won't die of heartbreak (I was certain I was dying), please know there was nothing you could do to stop him betraying you just as there was nothing you could do to make him betray you.

Please know it won't always hurt this bad. Someday soon the BS fog will clear and you'll see things as they really were, not as you hoped and wished they would be.

Until then please be gentle with yourself. Drink lots of water, try to eat, sleep when you can. Physical exhaustion makes the emotional exhaustion all the harder to bear.

The only way through it is through it. You WILL get through it. Just got to get past this horrible part first.


chlee214 posted 6/11/2013 06:41 AM

I understand how you feel. It's been almost 3 yrs since I found out about her affair with my "best friend". I have been trying to work through things and salvage the marriage (31 yrs) but she has no interest in it. She said she has no feelings for me anymore. They say it will get better but it hasn't yet.

phmh posted 6/11/2013 06:46 AM

It gets so much easier and better.

I know you don't believe it now -- I didn't -- but there will come a time when you are so relieved and happy to be away and you won't even remember how bad it felt.

Are you in IC at all?


Spitfire77 posted 6/11/2013 18:05 PM

Thanks for the replies, y'all. A fellow Soldier's wife had emergency surgery yesterday so I was pretty busy helping them out.

I imagine that once I get past all of the "firsts," it won't hurt nearly as badly. But it was my "first" Valentine's Day, birthdays (mine and his) w/o him in nine years. It was my "first" Mother's Day w/o him. I always thought we'd be together. Duh, obviously, because I'm sure most, if not all, of us thought that. I'm ready for the loneliness to subside. I'm not in IC at the moment, there's just no time with the Army program I'm in. All available appointments are during class hours and if we miss too much class, they can drop us from the course. So for right now I'm trying to deal with things as best I can, and if I can't deal with it I bury it until a later time. Not the healthiest of methods, I know. :)

roughroadahead posted 6/11/2013 18:10 PM

If you can't fit in IC, do you have time for a couple of books?

Many people here, myself included, have found the books "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliott and "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson to be very helpful.

Spitfire77 posted 6/11/2013 18:10 PM

I'll check those out! We only have a few hours of homework every night, but weekends are pretty open so I should be able to fit in books after the minions go to bed. :)

macakipa posted 6/11/2013 18:16 PM

Spitfire77, it does get better. As StrongButBroken posted, it takes times to break through the BS fog.

And, even when you do start to break through you will have times where the sadness, loneliness, anger and the seemingly unfairness of it all comes flooding back.

I know, because I am experiencing it myself right now.

I am not saying this to make you feel worse, I am just letting you know that it is an ongoing process that all BS go through.

Thankfully you can know that you are not alone and that we are here to listen and offer support.

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