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I'm the OW???!!!???

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novahurts posted 6/10/2013 23:21 PM

I am 34 years old, have never been married and have no children. In October 2012 I met J. We hit it off instantly and began to date. Things were GREAT. He met my family on Easter, everyone loved him. We started talking about long term etc. So I figure it's time for to meet his family right? I start pushing... Three weeks ago he finally confessed that he is married, has been for 11 years. He has kids! I am so hurt, ashamed, angry... You name it. I am so ashamed I didn't even feel like I could post this in the just found out thread even though that's is how I feel. I immediately stopped communication with him. He keeps sending e-mails saying he will leave her if I would just respond (like I want that lying cheating SOB), but I do have weak thoughts. Do I tell his betrayed wife. Is it my place? How could I not know?

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/11/2013 00:21 AM

Wow, I'm sorry, (((nova))), that's terrible. You are very betrayed, even though you aren't the BS.

I do have weak thoughts.
Please explain this. You met him nine months ago and he lied to you and everyone else around him. He's a snake, walk away.

As far as telling his BS, I wholeheartedly believe she should know what a snake he is, too, but I'm unsure as to the best way to go about that.

novahurts posted 6/11/2013 01:18 AM

I do have weak thoughts. I had this CRAZY idea that if he got divorced and stayed single for 6 months (yes I actually thought through an "appropriate" time frame) that maybe...... OMG this is all sooooo crazy. If he treats his BS this way he WILL repeat. I found this site while googling "how to get over a breakup". If this is not where I should be please tell me. I am experiencing so many of yhe feelings I read about I thought this community might help.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/11/2013 01:25 AM

You belong here, for sure!

Yes, if he will lie to his wife of 11 years and lie to you, your family... We have a saying around here: When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

novahurts posted 6/11/2013 01:32 AM

I am just disgusted that I am going to be part of the trauma to his family. What can I do? I was very misled and the pain that will come from that is unbearable. I was misled. I thought he was the...

novahurts posted 6/11/2013 01:37 AM

I'm new, so hopefully I removed the stop sign. My next step is should I tell his wife. I would like opinions from BS's. I AM DEFINETLY DONE WITH HIM.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/11/2013 01:41 AM

What can you do? At the very least, go no contact with him. Complete no contact.

You were mislead, I agree. You can't do anything to change that.

He's NOT the one. He's a mirage.

You deserve so much more.

ETA: I was writing my post as you posted yours. As far as telling the BS, I DO believe she should know, but I'm just not sure of the best way to do that.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:44 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

novahurts posted 6/11/2013 01:52 AM

Thanks TIKY! I 'll wait and hope that I can get more opinions from BS's. She and the children will be most impacted... I am rational, but my heart hurts too.

Want2help posted 6/11/2013 02:03 AM

I'm a BS. If it hadn't been for someone telling me (a mother of OW's friend), I would have never, ever known.

Please tell the wife. She deserves to know.

novahurts posted 6/11/2013 02:14 AM

@want2help how should I do this? I would rather not do it in person but do feel like wife and kid's feelings should come first. postal letter, email, phone call is most difficult (as I don't have # for wife or home(of Course that a%%hole!)) How can show my remorse?? Does she even want that from me?

Laura28 posted 6/11/2013 02:17 AM

Hi honey

Please tell her. I found out 3 years ago that my H had been cheating for between 16 and 24 years. I'm still not 100% sure.

I often wonder what could have been if someone had told me many years ago.

We may have reconciled. We may have broken up. I don't know and never will.

But at least we might have had a chance at a good life together. After the shock and awe of dday he is a different man. So much better than he was for many years when I truly believe his guilt drove him to demonise me in how own mind to justify what he was doing..and treat me badly as a result. This change may have happened years ago and our M could have been so much better if it had.

Or perhaps we may have split. I could have found someone who really loved me and the kids and would be faithful. So many possibilities.

So..... I didn't have any choices. Because I didn't know.

His wife has a right to know. You may be one of many (my H had LTAs). OW3 (who he had been screwing for over a year) had no idea he was seeing OW2 who he had been seeing for 8 years. (and vice versa).

My H is a charmer. He conned us all.

Now I can look back at 30 years of M with a lot of regrets. Regrets that I may not have felt now if someone had told me.

PLEASE tell her. I would suggest writing to her. Tell her the whole truth everything. Then tell her you will never contact him again and mean it.

She may not be grateful to start with but I'll bet anything that she will eventually realise that it was the best thing that could happen to her.

HUGS and good luck


CrappyLife posted 6/11/2013 03:39 AM

Wow! Just wow! What a fuckin POS..

Did you ever have a talk with him about his status when you got together or you just assumed that he is single? Not that it matters a lot, but since he had no business dating someone else when he has a wife a kids at home. Just that you need to know more about a person before you start dating.

Based on your posts upto now, technically speaking, you are the OW, but given your circumstances, I would actually consider you to be a BGF. Dont beat yourself too hard over the wrong you have done. Seems like you did no wrong! That POS is the wayward. He was lying to both his wife and you.

First, go complete NC with that POS. Do not respond to him at all. When you get weak, come to SI and pour your heart out. Talk to someone close IRL.

Coming to your question about informing the BS, please please inform her immediately. I am a BS and it so pains me that I found out after so many years. I would absolutely want to know. And given his attitude, I think you might on of the long list of his OWs. Sorry if that sounds bad. Dont warry about his destroying his family. They are already living in a highly dysfunctional dynamic. You will just help them by letting his BW know.

Collect all the evidence of any mails, messages he has sent to you. It is very well possible that his BW will not believe you and that she would want proof. Then, send a a simple e-mail/FB message to his BW saying that her H is cheating on her. Mention that you are the OW and you did not know that he is married. And as soon as you knew, you have broken up and do not intend to ever talk to him again. At the end, just mention that if she wants details you are more than willing to share it.

Best of luck. Take care of yourself. And learn from this.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 3:41 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Listeningclosely posted 6/11/2013 06:31 AM

Sorry you find yourself here, nova. As with most stories here, the most pain is caused not by the actions but by the deception.

You've gotten great advice here so far from no contact with OM to gathering the "evidence" of the relationship since it's likely OM will lie and try to make you out to be some psycho to his BW to save his tail. I'm not going to go so far as to call him a POS - that would be the pot calling the kettle black in my case. I was in his position once. I cheated. I lied about it. I'm no better than him. And I have no idea whether he could change if he spent time here and did the hard work needed.

As far as telling his BW, I'd just add one more thing. Expect for his BW to see you as evil in this. No matter how much you try to share that he lied to you, you didn't know about his family, etc., she will forever see you as the OW. Whether you did so knowingly or not, she will see you as a contributor to the A.

Go into the process of telling her with a strong mindset. One that says how the BW feels does not define who you are or whether your actions were right or wrong. You're going to need that frame of mind, because it is entirely possible that she will lash out at you no matter how you frame the events that took place.

Have you seen a counselor at all? You may want to simply to process all of this, and to work through the "weak thoughts" part. You may not have to go for long. But this is a lot to handle for anyone.

itainteasy posted 6/11/2013 07:34 AM

How could I not know?

It happens. I know. It happened to me. I had a LDR for over a year with a married man who spent every other weekend either coming to see me in my hometown or taking me on weekend trips.

He was never "unavailable". There was a never a time when I wasn't "allowed" to call. I had no idea. NONE. I even moved across the country to his area----where I was blindsided by his WIFE! She found out about me, and asked me to meet for coffee. I met his 6 yr old daughter (at the time) that day too.

I was devestated and angry and disgusted with myself.

And his poor wife.. Turns out he was a serial cheater, and I wasn't the first "girlfriend" she'd met.

She was very gracious and more forgving than she needed to be. I don't think I could have been as kind as she was.

When he called me that night, I told him I met his lovely wife and daughter and to never, EVER contact me again. Then I emailed his wife to let her know he called me and I would not ever speak or see him again.

Nova, this man's wife must be told. I think you should try to find her first....then maybe you enlist a friend of yours to contact her with your proof, and a way for her to get in touch with you if she wants to speak to you or ask questions.

You are not at fault didn't know. You did not make a willing choice to destroy this woman's life. You DID NOT KNOW.


Kelany posted 6/11/2013 08:01 AM

I'm a BS.

FIrst, I am so so sorry that you have to be here and he betrayed you like this.

Please please do not give in to those weak thoughts. I'm betting you are not his first, nor his last.

And yes, please tell her. She needs to know. But, do it gently and kindly. Be factual and not emotional. Do not talk about your love or anything like that. Give her dates, acknowledge that it was physical, tell her you had NO idea that he was married and when you found out you ended it immediately. Then offer to answer any questions if she has any. I would send this via a registered signature required letter to her home.

LA44 posted 6/11/2013 08:10 AM

I am a BS.

Yes. What SamanthaBaker wrote. Be factual - not emotional.

This is the worst pain I have ever experienced.

I am sorry you were deceived. Hugs to you Novahurts.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/11/2013 08:26 AM

Hey Nova,

BS here- first I want to commend you for clearly having morals and knowing how wrong this dude is. Second, I"m sorry he betrayed you like he did. Not cool. I agree with others- NC and all that, sounds like you're already there. It's normal to have "withdrawal" from a relationship, just don't give in!

Finally, I agree to tell the BS. Just understand she may not be receptive or thankful (if that makes sense) to what you are saying, but you will know you have done the right thing.

Undefinabl3 posted 6/11/2013 08:33 AM

You need to tell her, and really the best way is to show her.

Gather copies of all the pictures, all the emails, see if you can print texts off.

Offer her your phone records.

Create a time line of the relationship - try to account for as much of the time as you can (what weekend you went where, ect)

It's really easy to deny one person's word and accounts of the situation, it's harder to deny all the texts, phone calls, emails, and explanations of where he was on certain weekends.

Then I would give her this site cause she's going to need it.

NewMom0220 posted 6/11/2013 08:58 AM


First off....Kudos to you for coming on this site and posting. You are very brave!

I'm a BS...and I was pregnant during my husband's affair. It has caused me and my newborn baby so much pain and anguish. I cannot tell you how destructive an extramarital relationship is to the victims. I believe you are a victim too. It is when you KNOWINGLY continue a relationship with a married man (especially one with children) that you go from being a victim of deceit to an accomplice.

I think if you tell the wife, you need to do it in the most gentle fashion possible. I don't know if I would have wanted all the details...especially if it were coming from the OW. I think it's enough to give the basics and say that even after you found out the truth, he continued to pursue you.

Now, the next thing I want to tell you is....get the hell away from this situation. The fact that you are here tells me you are a good person with a conscious....keep your dignity girl! There are so many SINGLE men out there. You don't deserve to be anyone's secret. Since you didn't didn't purposely assist in the destruction of a family. Walk away. Every time you talk to, email, text, or have contact with this person it's like stabbing his wife and children in the back! Don't be that person....let him destroy his family by himself. Don't get blood on your hands because let's face it...your relationship with him wasn't and isn't real. It's based on lies and deception.

Anyway...thank you for coming on here and posting and asking for advice. It makes me believe that there are still good people in this world.

Sending you hugs and prayers for strength. If you look on this site you will see thousands and thousands of people in deep pain with wounds that take years to heal. Remember all of us every time you feel the urge to respond or continue your relationship.

Later posted 6/11/2013 09:03 AM

BS here. The BW should know. I am just not sure about meeting her in person -- this is very emotional and you don't know how she will react. Just be carefull.

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