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huge fight tonight....

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sri624 posted 6/10/2013 23:59 PM

we had our mc today...and it went bad...really bad. i ended up walking out...i was so upset you guys. i posted a few days ago in this forum about how i felt my whole m has been a lie. i had a talk with my wh about this when i had my trigger on this topic...he was there...and supportive..but i know it was hard for him to hear me say that...he owned it, and the talk went well. in mc came up....and he said that he felt that since has done so wrong..that maybe i will never forgive him...and how for 15 minutes he thought about "plan b." maybe leaving and starting over. and then he started to think about all the work we have both done to attempt at r...and doesnt want to give up.

well...see when i heard made me open up as well and share that i feel like when i talk to him about a serious trigger like feeling my whole m was a lie...that he gets scared...and thinks about leaving...or throwing in the towel.

as you all know...i think about this everyday...but i am trying. i cant tell you enough how bad i feel when he tells me that thoughts do go through his mind about leaving.

i feel like he should be a warrior all the time...and keep fighting. he is doing that...because he is here...but when i hear him being honest in mc about how he fears that in 5 months i will wake up and say..."i cant do this anymore and put him out." it is all so hard.

and then when we got escalated into a major argument with him ending up telling me that i have never listened to him...or respected him as a man.

it was bad....i could not understand why he is bringing up all of this not ever respecting him.

and then he left. and that made me feel even worse...i felt like i didnt know where he was going...out do mind was racing....i felt so insecure and mad at the same time.

if he was going to pack up and leave...i will tell you right now...that i would let him go and it would be over. i am not going to play that game of him leaving when things get way.

this is so hard. he is doing all of the things in the healing library..but i feel like when i am talking to him about the really ugly stuff....he get afraid i will leave him eventually....

he seems fine when we talk about it..but in mc...he said he thinks about plan b. that does not reassure me or make me feel safe....

i know i am know how it is after a huge fight...i am full of emotions.

and as i lay here in bed, a huge part of me just wants to end it all...and say fuck all of is too hard. after all, he has cheated and it is still hurting me terribly....

UKlady posted 6/11/2013 01:27 AM

Oh sri624 I feel your pain I really do.


I'm in a real state myself today/yesterday/most days..... and I hear what you are saying.

When my WH left for work this morning one of the things he said was, "Please be here when I get back tonight". I know he has the same fears as your H - I think the truly remorseful ones do have that fear.

I think (and don't forget I'm still in early days and not in a good place to give advice so it's only thoughts) that it could be a coping mechanism for a truly remorseful WS. Something they tell themselves because they don't feel worthy of your forgiveness.

Try not to be hard on yourself and talk it through again with your H when you feel calmer. It's the hardest thing in the world isn't it? So glad we have this forum at least.

I hope you get/got some rest and some peace - tomorrow is a new day. X

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/11/2013 02:30 AM

((sri)) We also went through this phase. We talk about our problems and the A. I would become angry and hurt and he just wanted to move forward and not talk about the past. We would talk about ending our M and the next day try to figure out how to work on R. Going to MC has helped but we still went through this dance for months. Over time we don't talked about throwing in the towel as much and the discussions that lead to anger are getting less - I am not sure they will completely go away but at least the frequency is less.

My WH used to tell me he didn't think I would forgive him. Looking back the talk of him wanting to leave was probably he was scared I would end the M even though he was trying to repair the damage and he struggled with letting go of controlling behavior. My talk of ending the M was more about my fear his words would be temporary and he would go back to old behavior and I would be hurt all over again. I think you both need to be honest about your fears and respectfully of how each other is feeling. I know this hard. It is easy to defend ourselves when we are hurt. WS needs to understand this and not defend and let BS talk about their hurt, anger and fears. A BS needs to eventually let go of the anger, hurt and fear to begin the process of healing. But you can only get there when you both realize and deal with emotions together not against each other.

That is why working on R is so hard. You may think it is easier to walk away but its not. I think an attempt to work on the relationship is necessary if both are committed and if it does not work at least you can say you tried and move on without regrets. Until you both try to repair the marriage you will never know if it could be saved.

Try not to say things you can't take back in anger but don't let him get away with saying hurtful things to you.

Misfit123 posted 6/11/2013 02:38 AM

Something my BH said to me. He is hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Our MC asked what he meant by that? Has he seen a lawyer? He said No, but he has talked a little to one at his work. What he did mean was that mentally, emotionally, he wanted to be ready, to not be shocked if D ended up being our outcome. But we are focused on the present and working on our issues. I thought of moving out too, a separation, just to not be stressed everyday. Luckily I came to my senses when I did. I had told BH I wanted to separate, we decided to wait til kids were out of school to tell them. But I had a change of heart, a great conversation with one of my sisters totally made me think about things differently. I believe I have turned a corner. She said "Don't move out. That I know deep down I am better than this, I know deep down I do love BH." I had deep feelings for AP. But she told me "if it doesn't work out with BH, I can find a nice guy later, but right now I need to give it a true chance, for my sake, the kids sake and BH sake. The kids need to be my #1 priority.

Its scary and hard to stay and work on it. The easy way would be to leave. I chose to stay.


Knowing posted 6/11/2013 07:19 AM

That's one of the things I've noticed about R. It brings up all the issues: in our M, the A, from the past, my childhood, his childhood, everything!

When he says you''ve "never listened to him, or respected him...", as difficult as it is, hear him. MC is for healing the M, so if he can explain how that looks, feels and sounds, and you can accept that it may be "true", you can both heal from it, and maybe have a different M dynamic. (I would say that since he used the word "never" then there's likely some exaggeration in his statement but maybe also some nugget of truth.)

I've heard similar things from my fWH and when I've taken the time to really reflect on those statements, really considered them, I've seen where I did damage to the M.

[This message edited by Knowing at 8:27 AM, June 11th, 2013 (Tuesday)]

sri624 posted 6/11/2013 23:51 PM

i appreicate your responses...i really do. a few hours after the fight....he came back home...and we ended up talking....more calmly. he went back to being compassionate about how i felt about "my whole marriage being a lie" feelings. but...underneath, i know that the issues that he has with me are there. he talked about feeling insecure in the marriage....since i made more money than him...and how he felt controlled by me. and he said that when i told him earlies that evening that "i didnt respect him"...that it stuck a nerve with him. he said that he has felt the entire m that i never respected matter what he did.

and was hard for me to discuss this because i felt like the attention was being taken off of my hurt....and now on how he has felt like i havent ever listened or respected him.

things are different now financially since he makes more money..but that has only been recently....and it looks like he has harbored all of these resentments towards me.

you guys are all right....this is exactly what makes r so difficult. i feel like aside from the a...that our m has so many problems......

overimpossible posted 6/12/2013 00:56 AM

he talked about feeling insecure in the marriage....since i made more money than him...and how he felt controlled by me. and he said that when i told him earlies that evening that "i didnt respect him"...that it stuck a nerve with him. he said that he has felt the entire m that i never respected matter what he did.

this is so me and my WH. I don't know how to move forward from here. Even at 1.5 yrs post D-Day, WH still argued that 'I never disrespect you and never said anything bad about you to OW'. OMG, never disrepect me?! You betrayed me! And you emotionally left me and your special-need son to fight on our own, years before your A! Yet, to him, somehow, I managed to have disrespected him since the day I started making more money than him, which is most of our M?!

I have a colleague whose wife comes with money. He is very proud and always said jokingly 'hey, I had to get into Harvard to meet her and marry into her family'. My CEO is a self-made billionaire, super smart and confident, yet he tells everybody that he 'married up'... How I wish I married a truly mature and confident man, a man that can be proud of who I am and what I can contribute to the family, rather than hold resentment against me.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt. This is truly about him, not me... Too bad I am married to him with kids.

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