we had our mc today...and it went bad...really bad. i ended up walking out...i was so upset you guys. i posted a few days ago in this forum about how i felt my whole m has been a lie. i had a talk with my wh about this when i had my trigger on this topic...he was there...and supportive..but i know it was hard for him to hear me say that...he owned it, and the talk went well. in mc today...it came up....and he said that he felt that since has done so wrong..that maybe i will never forgive him...and how for 15 minutes he thought about "plan b." maybe leaving and starting over. and then he started to think about all the work we have both done to attempt at r...and doesnt want to give up.
well...see when i heard this....it made me open up as well and share that i feel like when i talk to him about a serious trigger like feeling my whole m was a lie...that he gets scared...and thinks about leaving...or throwing in the towel.
as you all know...i think about this everyday...but i am trying. i cant tell you enough how bad i feel when he tells me that thoughts do go through his mind about leaving.
i feel like he should be a warrior all the time...and keep fighting. he is doing that...because he is here...but when i hear him being honest in mc about how he fears that in 5 months i will wake up and say..."i cant do this anymore and put him out." it is all so hard.
and then when we got home...it escalated into a major argument with him ending up telling me that i have never listened to him...or respected him as a man.
it was bad....i could not understand why he is bringing up all of this now...me not ever respecting him.
and then he left. and that made me feel even worse...i felt like i didnt know where he was going...out do cheat...do drugs...my mind was racing....i felt so insecure and mad at the same time.
if he was going to pack up and leave...i will tell you right now...that i would let him go and it would be over. i am not going to play that game of him leaving when things get bad....no way.
this is so hard. he is doing all of the things in the healing library..but i feel like when i am talking to him about the really ugly stuff....he get afraid i will leave him eventually....
he seems fine when we talk about it..but in mc...he said he thinks about plan b. that does not reassure me or make me feel safe....
i know i am ramblinb...you know how it is after a huge fight...i am full of emotions.
and as i lay here in bed, a huge part of me just wants to end it all...and say fuck all of this...it is too hard. after all, he has cheated and it is still hurting me terribly....
BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance