Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

3 Months later and pain still strong as ever

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

BeStrong4U posted 6/11/2013 00:52 AM

I have never posted on forums, but I've never felt pain so bad. I'm hoping that this forum will help me manage this pain, and in time, when the pain subsides, I can be there for others.

My story.
Twenty years ago I married the most wonderful guy; handsome, generous, hardworking, clever, the list goes on. We had a few ups and downs, but mostly a model marriage, the envy of our friends and community. We worked hard, had two beautiful boys who are now 13 and 10, started up a successful business together, built two houses, paid the mortgage off, travelled overseas on holidays and had a great group of friends.

The last few years were a bit tough, nothing major, but lacking in some intimacy and communication. Come on, is this unusual for a couple after 20 years? I knew we should be trying harder but life was busy; work, business, kids. You know the drill.

Earlier this year we went on a long weekend holiday, an annual event with five other families we are friends with in our town. This was the 7th year in a row we'd got together. After the second day, I suddenly noticed my H paying a bit too much attention to my best friend, his best friend's wife. At first I thought I was just over-reacting. We've known the family for 10 years, our kids have grown up together. Then the 3rd night I woke up at night, he wasn't there; I caught them together talking outside. Needless to say, after a sleepless argumentative night, we quietly packed up quickly next morning and left, with all our friends wondering WTF?

The next week was a week I'd never want to go through in my life again. After a gestapo-like grilling, investigating phone records, and long hours of heavy talking, the truth started to emerge. They'd been having an affair for three months. Starting with H confiding in OW at a party that he wasn't happy. OW then started coming round our house, after calling me to check I'd be gone for a while. OW borrowed an apartment, turned up on building site where H works and drove him to field, they met at our place while me and kids were out regularly, and towards the end at her place in mornings, once her H and kids were out of way.

Lots of memories flooded back. The times she called to see what I was up to, the time I came home early to find her in my house with him 'just popped in to see if you were home', the time she jumped on my bed squirming on his side (H told me later that she said she just wanted to smell him), the time OW and I went shopping and she waved a sexy pair of knickers in my face and said 'would H like you in these?'. I realised she was tormenting me for months.

H eventually told me everything (he says he has nothing left to hide), even about the times she came to our place at night, they met downstairs in garage, when me and kids were sleeping, and the time he went to her place in morning on our 20th wedding anniversary.

It was painful. But I had to know the whole truth.

H promised me the whole truth and no contact with her to try to work things out. OW tried to make contact, H was firm with her 'we're talking, and that's all I ever wanted' he said to her about us. H had also promised OW that he wouldn't tell about 'the sex', just say they were friends. She says she feels betrayed by him.

After six weeks of sheer shock, lots of making up with H, and trips to counsellor, I decided to talk. We have a tight group of friends in our community, they were concerned about me as I was hiding away. OW was out and about like nothing ever happened, hadn't even told her H.

So I went round to each friend separately and told my story. Even the gory bits. Of course they were shocked, angry, and needless to say OW has few friends left.
Revenge is sweet.

However, then the anger just hit me. The last six weeks I have been consumed by anger. Lashing out at H, biting, kicking; he sleeps downstairs regularly. He is remorseful and doing all he can to try to show me he loves me.

I love him, and I want to be with him forever. I thought he was the perfect man, perfect father and I'm just so devastated that he's let us down. The pain and anger are just all too consuming.

It is a double betrayal. Her betrayal of me is almost worse. Friends just don't do that to friends. She called me straight after the holiday to try to convince me 'I swear on my kids life nothing ever happened' she said, so sure H would keep her confidence and not tell me. I haven't spoken to her since, she hasn't written to me or tried to contact me. I will never speak to her again.

Any words of wisdom are welcome.

1Faith posted 6/11/2013 09:04 AM


I am so sorry for your situation. It is a double betrayl and you have every right to feel hurt, angry and devestated. All completely normal. Your new normal will be a hard road for sometime. I am sorry for that.

You need to seek IC for YOU. MC can happen as well but you need YOU time. You have to wrap your head around all of this and sometimes that will need to be without your husband sitting in the room. He caused this great hurt so there are times he can help you heal and there are times he cannot because you will see him as the source of your hurt.

3 months it is still very new and raw. And you will revisit all the times/conversations/etc. many times. Again, normal but also realize this the source of much of your anger. It's okay. Don't feel bad about being angry. You have to get through your feelings, you can't go around them or they will rear their ugly head later (re: triggers are a bitch)

Question: Does the OW's BS know? If not, he deserves to.

Second, she is not worth your time. I know it is hard not to focus on her but really if you want to work on your marriage focus on you and your recovery right now. She has NO part in that.

I have included a general timeline for healing to provide you with a context of the process of healing.

R is possible but it takes time and a lot of hard work and allowing yourself to feel all that you need to feel.

Keep moving and know that we are all here and rooting for you.

Good luck.

Timeline of Recovery

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:05 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 6/11/2013 09:12 AM

From my personal situation.

I was angry too for some time. It came and went but when it was here watch out.

I had memorized every email my FWH exchanged with the OW. FWH called it emotional cutting.

We'd have a wonderful couple of weeks and then, I'd sink back into my post DDay shell and wallow in my pain again....usually for no apparent reason.

Here's what I know now: Sometimes we need to validate our pain, justify our ever changing emotions.

Texts and/or emails are the proof of why you hurt so much. For me, the emails confirmed why I became so crazy and so angry for so long. When I reread the emails, I was able to give myself a bit of a break for being such a nut job for over a year.

During the first year after DDay, I often hated myself for not being able to suck it up, get over it and move on.

Before the A, I was always a very strong woman. Nothing kept me down. After the A, I was so broken. The old me was absent without leave.

Until I found this forum and others, I was a very lost soul.

Even after I found this healing place I revisited the emails. Without realizing what I was doing, I was using them to remind myself that I wasn't weak.

Those emails were proof positive that all I was going through was normal and I was doing pretty damn good...considering.

I eventually weaned myself off the email/texts. And came to terms the A was something that happened NOT something that was happening.

Anger is used as a crutch, I get that. Crutches help you heal when you are wounded, but you don't need them forever.

Another person posted:

I'll just add one thing: If you love your spouse, don't fear the anger. Anger is often rooted in fear, in this case fear of losing something.

One day at a time.

BeStrong4U posted 6/11/2013 17:37 PM

[This message edited by BeStrong4U at 5:39 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

BeStrong4U posted 6/11/2013 17:37 PM

[This message edited by BeStrong4U at 5:40 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

BeStrong4U posted 6/11/2013 17:37 PM

Thanks 1Faith

Your words are comforting.

The past 3 months have been a rocky rollercoaster, and similar to your experience, we have good days and then, lo and behold I can feel the cart slipping on the downward track. Sometimes it's a trigger, I remember something, talk to someone, see someone. I feel anger, sadness, pain, and I just have to wait until the cart starts on its upward track again to pull myself back together again.

The OW's husband, my H's ex-best friend, does know. My WH text him around D-Day to apologise and told him that he had told me everything. However, still OW withheld the truth from him. Until a mutual friends told him. I understand he is in a mess. Blames himself and won't talk to anyone.

Sometimes I want WH close to me, to share our bed, sometimes I don't want him any where near me, and he sleeps downstairs. Is this normal?

I know WH came clean and told me all, but I still have my suspicions that he still has feelings for her, and may try to see her again. That drives me insane. Is this normal?

Faith1, thanks also for timeline. I have a long way to go for normality. But best to accept it.

Also taken advice for IC, and booked in tomorrow, without WH. You've made me realise it's not all about him.

BeStrong4U posted 6/11/2013 17:37 PM

[This message edited by BeStrong4U at 5:40 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

James518 posted 6/12/2013 05:22 AM

I'm sorry this happened to you. No one should go through anything like this. You are not alone. I am going through similar, but my wife will not answer my questions. She has somehow turned this around to be all about her. These forums help. Read all you can. Stay strong.

1Faith posted 6/12/2013 10:23 AM

Dear Strong

Sometimes I want WH close to me, to share our bed, sometimes I don't want him any where near me, and he sleeps downstairs. Is this normal?

Yes, it is very normal. You want him close because you love him and you are yearning for your old life back. The other times, simply looking at his face is a trigger to the reminder that the man you married and shared your life with chose to cheat on you. Chose to lie. That is hard to accept, especially at 3 months post DDay.

Simply tell him. I am having a hard day/night, I need some space, please sleep downstairs tonight.

I hope your husband gets into IC for himself as well. He needs to understand WHY he chose to cheat and truly work on his own issues. Sorry doesn't quite cover this one.

MC can come after you both are working on yourselves. It will be more productive from my experience.

I know WH came clean and told me all, but I still have my suspicions that he still has feelings for her, and may try to see her again. That drives me insane. Is this normal?

Yes, again. Completely normal. How can you not feel that way?

I was on guard for over a year. Looking for clues, checking email, phone records, etc. Just sure I was going to find something. I felt like a fool because I never saw it coming, I missed the clues so then I went into hyper drive. Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me. I wasn't going to be duped again.

I would ask him if he misses her, misses their talks, etc. I think at first they do to the extent that they miss their "escape" and the ego boost. But when reality sets in that the OW almost cost them their marriage, family, etc. they hopefully realize how sick, twisted and manipulative it all was. They start to see the OP as a source of destruction vs. the ideal.

Have you set NC? Have you thought to yourself what you would do if he would see her again? Is that a deal breaker? Have you conveyed this to him?

Set your boundaries and be clear on them. Start to take some of the power back and let him know what you will and won't accept.

Faith1, thanks also for timeline. I have a long way to go for normality. But best to accept it.

I try and provide it to people because I wished I had found it after DDay. So many of us want to fast track our healing and it is simply not possible. I want people to know that you will feel everything and it simply takes time. You will have good days and bad. 10 steps forward and 8 back.

Keep up your IC and know that you will make it through. One way or another - YOU WILL BE OKAY.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:25 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

betraydtwice posted 6/12/2013 10:48 AM

I also had a double betrayal and totally get what you feel. I also blame the OW a great deal, probably more than husband. I knew he had interest in her but I assumed, wrongly, so wrongly, that she would never do that to me.

Like you the OW almost flaunted it in my face, but at the time it was a bit unusual but not overt. Now looking back, there are so many things that she said and did that I should have clicked to.

A lot of my anger is towards myself, but then I tell myself that I trusted them to be people they were not. I will never make that mistake again.

I also fluctuate between hate and love for H. Somedays I feel that it is not worth it, don't want to try. Sometimes I think it might be easier to start fresh and find someone that I can trust. But like you, I have over 20 yrs invested in this M, and I think to myself that he was great for 22yrs and can I let one year of shit destroy all that he was?

We have similar stories, double betrayal, length of marriage and the stages we are at in our lives. I am here, p.m. me if you would like.

Hang in there

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/12/2013 11:47 AM

Betrayed, great point. I have 17 years of marriage, and what I try to do is look at the whole body of work. My FWW was a great wife for most of the marriage and I refuse to let the shit stain of her A ruin many, many good years and good times of our marriage. I do struggle with this and have to remind myself. One foot in front of the other, I guess. What other choice do we have?

BeStrong4U posted 6/12/2013 18:01 PM

Thanks for the helpful posts.

I am already feeling empowered by this forum.

I see now that the past three months have been made up of 6 weeks of "hysterical bonding" clambering to keep my M and family together.

The following 6 weeks were sheer anger and set on revenge with OW (telling our mutual friends what she did to me).

Now I feel I want space, time to think about me, the kids and our future. Today I told WH our marriage was over. I suggested we continue to live together as a family so we can both support our children and run our business. However, he will be sleeping downstairs.

When I am ready, and I feel he is truly committed to me and family, we can discuss reconciliation (maybe weeks, maybe months down the track).

Deal breaker is: no other partners, NC with OW - or he's OUT.

Is this plan like 180 which I've read about on the Forum?

As suggested by 1Faith, today I had my first IC. H has already had IC himself to work through why why why.

My IC agreed with my plan. She also agreed "no partners" and said to expect at least a year for healing.
She warned me to expect some grieving over the loss of my old life as I move forward.

1Faith, you mentioned:

I would ask him if he misses her, misses their talks, etc. I think at first they do to the extent that they miss their "escape" and the ego boost. But when reality sets in that the OW almost cost them their marriage, family, etc. they hopefully realize how sick, twisted and manipulative it all was. They start to see the OP as a source of destruction vs. the ideal.

This is exactly the same for my situation. Just after DDay he told me "they enjoyed each other's company" and he had a twinkle in his eye when he talked about her. Now he sees that she was playing manipulative games with him, and driving a wedge in our marriage.

I think he sees now what a train crash he's caused. But I need to be strong for me and my kids.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.