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Friends who are not friends of the marriage

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Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/11/2013 02:06 AM

Has anyone had a friend of WS treat you with disrespect and say not nice things to you while knowing WS was having an A and they knew you didnt know about the A? Is the friend still a friend? Is your WS trying to save the friendship? How did you handle the situation?

My problem is I am not completely sure if WH is leading what I call an authentic life with this friend. I think he is now but for years I had no idea or just didn't realize it. I tell myself to believe him but the extent this friend played in hurting me is sometimes too great. I wish he would go away but the friend has business ties to us. We have talked about this in MC. WH told me about a conversation he had with this friend reiterating WHs commitment to our marriage and repairing the damage and the friend asked WH how long does he think he can live under the scrutiny. I said WTF kind of friend tells you that. I have other problems with this friend but it would be writing a book.

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/11/2013 04:44 AM

WH told me about a conversation he had with this friend reiterating WHs commitment to our marriage and repairing the damage and the friend asked WH how long does he think he can live under the scrutiny. I said WTF kind of friend tells you that

The kind of friend who needs someone else to sit in the pool of vomit with them. This friend wants a wing man by the sound of it; another who will go off the tracks like he wants to.

Unfortunately some people have no empathy and have no clue what infidelity feels like and it sounds like he is one of these people otherwise he wouldn't ask how long your H is "willing to be scrutinised for!"

I understand your fears as it sounds like he is a temptation as opposed to an ally. How strong is your FWH now? Is he able to resist this friends childish mindset or not?

At the end of the day- it's almost like knowing FWH still has to work with OW. How many healthy boundaries does he now have? How safe will he keep your M?

Sacrimosa posted 6/11/2013 16:31 PM

I could've written a lot of your post, Wonderingwhy11. In my case it's my wife's (female) friend whom I feel has been toxic to us, even introducing my wife to her affair partner. And my wife wants to salvage the marriage, but keep the friend too.

I don't really know what to tell you. I don't even know what to do in my own situation. But you're not the only one going through it, if that helps.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/11/2013 19:35 PM

WH says he is committed to our marriage. WH has shown continued commitment and change. I feel this friend was the slippery slope that over time made it seem ok for WH to cheat. WH does not blame the friend for his choices and neither do I. WH blames himself and his insecurities for the A. He admits he should have been stronger. I just think the comment the friend made to WH about his commitment to our marriage should have been enough for WH to realize this friend is not supportive of our marriage. WH says when they meet they discuss business but I find that hard to believe. All I ask is that his friends support our marriage and are not making put down comments about wives in general.

I guess this is part of the process of rebuilding trust. I tell WH I just don't want to be lied to again. The worse lies WH told were surrounding around this friend and the OW.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/11/2013 19:40 PM

My FWH had several friends like that, and when he sent the NC letter to his AP, he sent NC letters to them, as well. I refused to deal with them, on top of what I was already dealing with. We parted ways with them and never looked back, and honestly, they are not missed one bit.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/11/2013 20:40 PM

Hi Wonderingwhy11 and Sacrimosa.

I'm in the same situation, brought it up in MC and made it clear that NC has to extend to her "friend" who helped cover up the A.

Finally, after talking about it in MC, we're writing a NC to the so-called friend tomorrow in our MC session.

The "friend" was her maid-of-honour at our wedding, which to me, is a betrayal of our marriage.

I'll update here after the letter is written and sent -- probably email. I'll let you know how it goes and whether my WW has a last-minute change of heart. It's possible, since she wanted to do it in MC.

Stay strong. In my opinion, which really doesn't count for anything, toxic friends have to go.

RockyMtn posted 6/11/2013 20:55 PM

I've had this experience.

My WH had a friend who knew about A#2. My WH swears up and down that the friend encouraged him to get out of it. I'm actually quite sure that is true, I don't think he's an awful person who thinks As are awesome. But the two of them are all about being funny - seriously, they thought they were the funniest fucking dudes on the planet. And I saw one joke about the A on a FB message. Later, after D-Day 1, when I told WH that I wasn't comfortable with this guy because I felt he disrespected me, WH lied so he could spend time with him. Even though I never forbid it, my WH was just trying to avoid conflict. His friend was my biggest trigger. After that, this is how I handled it:

I said - you being friends with this guy hurts my feelings. He is not a good influence on our M and seems to continue to cause fights. He made jokes about something that was incredibly painful to me and our sweet children. If you hang out with him, I will be upset.

I didn't give WH an ultimatum. Choice was his. But the consequence would be my anger and hurt feelings and fights. I also told WH that his continuing with this friend could/might end our marriage because I would take that as a message that he preferred the friend to a happy marriage. I would take it to mean that he didn't give a shit that his friend was a trigger. I would take it that he didn't care how deeply his friend's joke had hurt me.

It took WH some time (and sobriety) to realize that this friend wasn't good for him or us.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/12/2013 15:19 PM

This is a follow up to my post above.

We went to MC where I expected we would write a NC email to my WW's "friend."

She doesn't want to do it. Says if we tell the friend we're not speaking with her anymore, the friend will tell everybody.

WTF? I said I no longer care. We now pushed writing the letter to next week. What a mess.

sri624 posted 6/13/2013 00:04 AM

i can relate to husband had a really good friend of his that he used to get drunk and high with...and cheat with. this was his buddy..they did everything together. when i found out about the a...i learned that his friend was right there with him....they were both cheating...when they went out to bars, they cheated and got was all a big party. this guy was not married but did have a live in girlfriend and he cheated on her all the time.

i had words with this guy one time...and he actually told me that he and my husband were good friends and that cheating was "only 25 percent of their friendship." he actually said that.

when i found pictures of my husband and his ap on the beach together....i discovered that it was this same friend who took the photos.

when me h and i decided to attempt to r, it was clear that this dirtbag friend, and any of his other friends that knew about the cheating...and the ones he got high with were all FIRED. he told them all that....and we have not heard from them since.

if my husband decided that he wanted to be friends with these single, dirtbag, drug addict, cheaters...then he can expect divorce papers from me.

friends that co signed cheating behavior are not friends of the m at all. yes, our spouses make their own decisions...but the people who were around at the time of the a...that supported it, or anything like that need to be gone.

it will only be a trigger for us who have been betrayed and a reminder of what went on.

how could i possibly EVER accept a friend of his that took pictures of my husband and his ap while they were on the beach cuddling? are you kidding me? no way.

those people are dead to the m as far as i am concerned.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/13/2013 01:34 AM

Sri -

it will only be a trigger for us who have been betrayed and a reminder of what went on.

This is a big part of my problem with the friend. How can I believe when they hang out together they are not talking about their AP's or the fun trips the four of them went on? Vacations that should have been with us. WH says they only talk about business. But I am not there.

those people are dead to the m as far as i am concerned.

Same here. When WH decided he wanted to work on R, the friends AP eventually left him because she did not want to meet me - as if I would hang around her. So friend lost the OW he loved (oh and he did cheat on her so that could also be the reason she left him).

I have asked WH how he can want to be friends with someone who had said cruel things to me and lied to you that he didn't remember he said them. WH used to say he would leave if I made him dump his friend for our marriage because that would lead to him dumping his other friends. I told him the friends that treat me with respect and don't encourage cheating are fine. After he continued to lie about meeting his friend I told him he could leave the house again and this time I probably won't let him come home. He did stop lying about seeing the friend and reduced the time spent with him. But I am still not comfortable about the friendship.

Today in MC WH admitted he tends to go with the flow with his friends and certain friends are alpha males - including this friend. I told him this is the behavior that bothers me. I am afraid the friend will say something negative and WH will not tell the friend he is wrong and their working relationship is over. My concern his he will go along with the friend because he knows the friend only wants to be around someone who agrees with him. The biggest problem is the friend is a client of our business who has connections with other clients and friends. I feel WH rather remain friends for sake of income from the friend then terminate the the friend as a customer to avoid any contact or having to explain why the friendship/customer relationship has ended. The lesson learned - do not become too friendly with your customers. Reminds me of the saying Don't shit where you eat - or something like that.

On the positive side I think WH is getting it but he needs to work on ending the friendship side of the customer relationship - which is something he says he is trying. I wish the friend would be a better person and go back to a professional work relationship that does not include meetings in bars and drinking.

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