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Just drove to her place

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UKlady posted 6/11/2013 06:54 AM

The OWs - didn't do anything, hadn't planned to just wanted to see. Why? Don't know. I already know the area it's only about 10 miles away but I'd never drive through there - no reason to.

It's a skanky area - I knew that already - just had to prove it to myself perhaps. So, sat in my car outside her ground floor flat, I just wanted to see. Try to imagine WH driving there, getting out his car, knocking at her door. It's such a deprived looking area. I kind of feel better for doing it. Don't know why. Just do.

I have a sense of calm - have also received the all clear on STI tests. A moment of calm.

It's temporary.

[This message edited by UKlady at 6:55 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Knowing posted 6/11/2013 07:04 AM

It's part of the process.

I would have driven the 800 miles to check out the MCOW's neighbourhood if I thought I could sneak away that long... I don't blame you one bit.

The thing is, it's not about her. She could have been anybody. Rich, poor, young, old, it was whomever was willing to spread their legs for our equally broken WH. While it feels good to know these OW have nothing on us, we give them power when we consider them at all.

UKlady posted 6/11/2013 08:14 AM

Thanks Knowing - glad to hear you would have done the same.

And what you said about it not being about her I do get you. I really do - I guess. It's not about her and it's not about me. My WH is totally doing everything right to aid reconciliation and acknowledges it is his mess, his issues, his problems and his doing that has brought us to this place.

I don't know why I did this. I just wanted to - can't really explain it. I had no intention of knocking on the door. I was perhaps hoping to catch sight of her because I don't know what she looks like but it's probably good I didn't see her as maybe my emotions would have got the better of me

I so want to get off this roller coaster

Yakamishi posted 6/11/2013 09:12 AM

I can so relate to this.

Used to drive by his work. Also went to his house a couple of times. Wanted to see if he got kicked out yet.

Alas, just triggered me more so i promised WW i wouldn't do out anymore.

Happy to keep the promise.

2married2quit posted 6/11/2013 09:24 AM

UKlady I know the feeling. It may not solve ALL your issues and pain, but if you had to do it, do it.

I did it. I drove to the spot where they madeout (and fondled). I passed by his house, where they used to work..etc. I don't want to go back though. It's done, it's in the past. I'm still hurting, but to revisit is to re-open open the wound.

seamonkeydo posted 6/11/2013 10:48 AM

I did as well. I now avoid that road as much as possible, but for some reason I felt the need to drive by when I first found out. I also met with the OW in person 3 days after I found out about the A. I wanted the OW to know that I was a real person and not just a name, since we had not previously known each other.

TXBW68 posted 6/11/2013 11:26 AM

Last summer, my family and friends offered to rent a charter bus so we could all go knock on OW#4's door - 1600 miles away!

That would have been lots of fun! Fortunately for her, I turned down the offer.

Now, I don't even watch TV shows based in her city. I get triggered too much from it. I tend to stay away from all things OW-related as much as possible.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/11/2013 19:41 PM

I'm almost 2 years out, and still have this intense desire to drive out and see the OW's trailer. It's like an hour and a half away from here and every now and then, I get the urge to have FWH drive me out there. I'm not sure why!

vistainc posted 6/11/2013 19:54 PM

I did it too. Didn't even realize I was at her place. Felt like I was in a trance. I texted fWH from her parking lot and asked him how he got in and did he have to park out back.

She had to come to the door to let him in the building etc. He wasn't happy I was there but knew there wasn't anything he could do about it.

You are not alone (((hugs)))

LivinginLimbo posted 6/11/2013 20:30 PM

I did the same thing. It was just the one time. Since she knows where I live, I thought I'd even the playing field.

Like you, I also don't know what she looks like. I didn't see her so that hasn't changed.

Having her address did come in handy recently. My H hired an attorney to get her to stop contacting him. I had all the info they needed to have it hand delivered by a process server.

sailorgirl posted 6/11/2013 23:46 PM


I did this, too. Multiple times since OW lives less than a mile from our house.

I would do the same thing you did. Picture WH parking, walking up the steps, knocking on the door . . .

This may sound nuts, but I think I wanted to go back in time and stop him. I wanted to shout no and shake him--wake him up.

At a certain point, the thought of driving by there stopped coming into my head. It helped that spring is a super busy time of year for our family. Maybe my subconscious finally accepted that I can't change the past.

MissD posted 6/12/2013 02:38 AM

I did this too, drove to the place he said all his A's took place. Not surprising he lied about that being the only place. Not surprising when in a conversation about a week later he tried to imply I was sick and showing signs of troubled thinking. Well WTF? I wouldn't be thinking about his dick in her vaj, or hers, or hers, or hers... if they were never there to start with. Thankfully I was able to see his gas lighting hand (thank you SI) and promptly tell him to piss off until he got his shit figured out.

scared and sad posted 6/12/2013 08:13 AM

I did this in the first few months - way too many times.

It's not really surprising when you think about it. We are trying to put together the many missing parts of the jigsaw; to make sense of what was going on. Seeing the "crime scene" must help to fill in the blanks.

sarahm49 posted 6/12/2013 09:14 AM

I had my H drive me to every location he had sex with her in our van. It was tough, but I wanted to be there with him for him to feel and see the pain. It was horrible, but now I can drive by those locations myself when I have to and I only have a little anxiety, no panic attacks anymore.
I also had him drive me by her house even though they didn't have sex there.
That was all in the first 2-3 months. Now I don't drive by at all.
I know exactly how she looks from Google and facebook.
It's NOT pretty.

LivingALie posted 6/12/2013 09:25 AM

I did the same thing. I googled her address and drove to her house one afternoon. Its about 15 miles away. I wasnt planning on seeing her or doing anything for some strange reason, I just wanted to see where she lived. Im glad I did now I see why she wanted my life she lives in a run-down housing complex perfect for someone like her.

2married2quit posted 6/12/2013 10:09 AM

shit...after reading this I want to go back to the spots. I'm only hurting myself and turning the clock back.

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/12/2013 10:13 AM

After DDAY I drove to her house and sat outside with a car full of people... I hadn't intended on doing so but I flipped and decided I wanted to see where she lived.

I sat outside saying I wanted to go and knock on her door and hit her but was talked out of it and we drove off!!

Almost 12 months later I drove to her house on a cold, wet, rainy evening as my gut was screaming at me to confront, confront, confront.

She answered and looked at me like I was shit on a shoe until I told her FWH was lying and that we were NOT S and were trying to sort out our M and to ask if they were still 'seeing each other!' When she stated they were we then spent the best part of 2-3 hours talking and comparing notes.

It took all of my ladymanners not to vomit throughout her confession time like my stomach wanted to!

Know what the worst part was?

Having to listen to her bemoaning about how SHE had been lied to and how SHE was the poor victim who was being cheated on.

Guess I must be pre-menstrual or something as my triggers are raising their ugly heads again.

Caligirl9566 posted 6/13/2013 00:56 AM

I have done the same thing. Drive by her house and yep... It was a dump. I can't believe he would even think of going in a place like that. But then again I never thought I would be going through this either. 4 months and things are better but not great. I try everyday to not think about it, but as you all know that doesnt happen.

Hang in there everyone and take it one day at a time.


sri624 posted 6/13/2013 01:19 AM

i did the exact same thing...when i first learned about ow1..i drove by her place...just to see the famous "spot" where it all went down....where he would sneak out to go and visit her. she lived in an apartment that she shared with a was really pathetic. i guess i had to do it. and then when i learned i was in false r....with ow2....i didnt go to her place. at that point, it didnt matter....i knew it would only make me feel worse.

and it is really is not about the ow...even though it feels like it a lot of the time. it is about our spouses and the horrific choices they made. they really thought they were doing something....and now....most of them look like complete idiots after getting busted.

ItsaClimb posted 6/13/2013 06:20 AM

I got fWH to drive me to her house in the first couple of months after D-Day. Made him park outside and we just sat there, while I imagined him going in there, sleeping there... I made him point out where the bedroom was, where he parked etc. It nearly killed me, but I am glad I did it.

I think the reason why so many of us feel the need to do this is to "demystify" it. Same reason I needed to see a photo of her. It's part of the process of forcing ourselves to accept it is REAL, not just some crazy nonsensical story. There is probably a more profound psychological explanation for it, but that's what I came up with and what I believe is true for me.

I believe it was a step in the process that I had to take. Some of the people I have confided in were very anti when I insisted I needed to know what she looked like, where he slept with her etc... they kept on telling me to "forget about her", "stop giving her headspace" etc. But I think I needed to go through this process for my own healing. Yes it hurt, but it was necessary.

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