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Angry and upset...I was waiting for the dip

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/11/2013 08:32 AM

We always call the aftermath of the A a roller coaster. I think each forum has their own roller coaster of specific feelings and right now I've taken a dive.

Last night I watched Sleeping Beauty with the kids. I knew there would be triggers like true love, your prince fighting for you, living happily ever after...ya know, the fairy tale stuff. Also, the word/flower Rose is a trigger (they call Aurora, Briar Rose...her lips were as red as a rose, etc). It was a special name to me. It was my grandmother's name and I gave my oldest the name as a middle name. Guess who's middle name is Rose? The day I finally figured out his pattern lock and saw the messages, one of them was him texting her ****** ROSE!!! Her asking what...and him telling her he just wanted to say her beautiful name. No, he has never said that to me. Ok...knot in my chest now...that's the first time I've wrote about that specifically. Anyway, the movie made me sad. Yes, I know the importance of loving yourself and being happy with yourself, I just don't get what is wrong with needing someone to love you and feeling empty without it. And I'm not saying I want him to fill that void because I know he can't. But someone...what is so wrong about wanting to feel protected...hopefully by someone who isn't like WH. It hurts so bad to not be fought for. And the kids? I can't tell them their father would rather be selfish instead of really look at himself and change so that he is in their life everyday. I've got more swirling in my head but I don't think I can type it out right now. I'm not feeling so strong anymore. Not in the I'm going to give in kind of way. I guess it's just a pity party.

tesla posted 6/11/2013 08:56 AM

((((TCD)))))

I couldn't watch TV for a very, very long time. Couldn't listen to music with lyrics either. All those notions of love and protecting your love and being there...etc. It was just too much the first few months.

heartbroken_kk posted 6/11/2013 11:35 AM

Oh yes the story line that stabs, the ballad that makes you bawl.

I cut TV out of my life years ago and the A completely destroyed my ability to listen to the radio. Only now am I starting to risk the emotional hammer that comes with these triggers.

I just made a boundary with myself and stopped turning on the radio. Maybe you can back off from joining the kids at the TV for a while. It may help flatten out the roller coaster dives. It did for me.

I hope your are on the upswing soon TCD.

npain posted 6/11/2013 11:36 AM

I couldn't look at some TV shows, I still can't. "Scandal" triggers me like you won't believe at times. Some music I am only now being able to listen to again...it takes time.

Much hugs to you ((((TCD))))

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/11/2013 13:31 PM

I need something to get me out of this funk. The emotional pain manifests as physical. Last night my knees just couldn't take running. Gonna try again tonight. I just can't believe how easy it was to give up on his family. He probably is relieved that he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. He probably thinks divorce is his easy out.

UnsettledOne posted 6/11/2013 15:22 PM

When I first saw you post and reda your sig line in broke my heart. No one your age should have to be dealing with what you have been dealt.

He is a very selfish for doing what he has done.

As for the movies...raw nerves is all I can say. They do effect us until the day they don't. But that day does come if we progress.

The longer we sit amd pine over someone the longer it takes..I know..i was marrid for 32 years with sweven children...when she did what she did I pined away...

But that type of pain will eventually kill us, mentally, emotionally and physically...so at a certain point we have to say no more and begin the move forward.

Today I can say none of those movies which threw me into a trailspin have the least effect on my life in any way...know what you are going through is for a season...we understand the hurt and the depth of pain...but we also understand the ability to become a stronger and more vibrant person through haveing gone through this type of tragedy.

SBB posted 6/11/2013 15:37 PM

Breathe through it friend. This too shall pass.

The dips get further apart and don't last for anywhere near as long as time goes on.

I couldn't listen to the radio for months. I remember even my own iPod turning against me. I hit a point one day where I had it set to random and I swear 5 songs in a row started playing that were massive triggers (one was the wedding song!). Each time I punched the next button I cursed - by the 5th song I was crying and cackling hysterically whilst cursing the universe. This has happened with the radio more times than I can count.

In that laughter I saw the funny side of where I was at. I knew at that moment that I'd be OK. And I am. You will be too.

Be gentle with yourself - lean into the pain when it gets bad. An upswing is just around the corner.

((TCD))

Coraline posted 6/11/2013 16:19 PM

It does get better. Music was somewhat upsetting to me for a while, too, but not at all anymore. In fact, a few weeks ago I downloaded a cheating/breakup song just because I used to like it and something really minded me of it. And it was actually pretty hilarious because STBX saw the download and changed the iTunes password. Maybe he thought it was a message to him, lol, but it was not. It was Keith Urban's You'll Think of Me, and I know my STBX definitely won't ever be thinking of me in the way that song means. Wishing I was dead maybe, but pining away, sorry for losing me? No, lol.

Anyway, the point is that it gets better and better. For a couple months I could hardly even eat, which is bad because I had a breastfeeding newborn. And hair falls out after you have a baby anyway, but I lost MASSIVE amounts, way more than normal, because the stress was just so bad. I actually developed bald spots on my temples, like male pattern baldness. Luckily I have enough hair to hide it, and it's all grown back now (just shorter because it has to catch up) but it was so awful back then. Now I'm okay. :) I wouldn't call this fun, but it's okay.

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