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Tales from the dark side

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uncertainone posted 6/11/2013 10:32 AM

Working through this process while taking a break from SI has been interesting. I find clarity, some healthy time away from the focus, and test driving my new normal. Liking it. Performance is good. Handling the turns well and enjoying the power.

Checked in a few areas so realize a birds eye view isn't always accurate but sometimes it's balls on. The growth of some members is astounding. Wish I had that but I just eked inches at first with much backward ground visited. Thank God for TG, MJ and many others gentle but firm prods.

Something I've learned is hope and reality can co-exist nicely...IF...you know where each belong. It's when you blur them together the wheels come off. What you have is here in front of you today. Learning to really see that without the maudlin soundtracks playing is hard. Evicting "if", and "maybe".

While not all waywards are alike there are a few things that aren't work arounds, to me.

Drive. If it's missing there is no substitute. Waiting for someone to find it is a fool's errand. The self betrayal in our choices has to be the catalyst regardless of love for the BS, shame, guilt, self loathing. Most of those are just noise anyway. Cop outs and cave ins. No place for that. That's got to be front and center every morning whether it's acknowledged, noticed, appreciated by others. It's a painful thirst for finding every weakness and every strength used carelessly. Pulling all that shit from the shadows and enabling the light to shine in every corner.

True Honesty. Not just with others, with ourselves. That's actually where it starts. It's always frosted my ass to hear some members tell me I didn't cheat because I was honest, let my spouse know ahead of time just what was going to happen. Yeah, I did. Only a few get how twisted that little treasure was. Honesty is just like anything else. It can be done well or wielded like a weapon. That's how mine was used. After all, what good is a raging "fuck you" if it's whispered and hidden? I was smart enough to know I was no match physically and fucked up enough to think I had a drone in my arsenal that would gift me retribution.

Not calling anyone out and don't remember who posted it but read how an affair woke their spouse up. Made him take notice and FINALLY work on his issues. So setting yourself on fire hoping to singe another works? Not at all. What you end up with is horrible disfigurement and a spouse that devalued himself to find common ground. Stay tuned for pain. Two broken people just bleed together. That's it. No healing. No growth.

Letting go. Anything you do for another's recognition, response, approval, validation is a performance. Unless you're a stage actor you know that being is all that's real. As you become whole and healthy you stop looking to others. Nothing more pathetic than an adult with lists. I cleaned the oven, cooked dinner and didn't fuck the guy who smiled at me in the store. Gold stars all around. Seriously? Your spouse/partner is not the reason you cheated whether they're a saint or an asshole. I needed attention is bullshit. It truly is. You may find you're just a collector and old praise and love is just so 4 Taylor Swift break up songs ago. A sieve never fills up.

If your partner honestly treated you poorly the acceptance of that treatment is a big X to dig into. Last I checked eating out every night doesn't solve the roach infestation at home in your kitchen. Those little suckers just multiply in your absence.

Martyrdom isn't a hobby. Sacrificing yourself on the alter of shame and "I so deserve this" is pulling the wings off a bug then wondering why they don't fly. No emotional cutting or internalizing others anger and pain. While you may be the cause you can't help be the cure if you're walking wounded at best attention sucking at worst. Sucking energy from someone you mortally wounded is pretty sick, I'm sure you'd agree. Working on yourself while acknowledging and owning your actions is vital. Focusing on how your spouse is processing is putting your fingers where they don't belong. Don't accept what you know is harmful such as physical abuse and affairs. Don't use your wayward tag as anything but recognition of a construction zone. It is not a ticket for others to excuse their actions using yours as justification. After all, many of us know all too well how that little mind fuck ends. Spoiler alert...not well.

Life doesn't owe you anything. Whether your childhood resembled a Norman Rockwell painting or a Norman Bates motel there is nothing personal about any of it. Just shit that happened and shit that didn't. How you cope, grow, use your tools and talents is the real story and entitlement just fucks with all that anyway. You have them, you know, or if you don't you can find them and learn how they feel in your hand. How to use them to fix, not break, build, not destroy. You only have to choose. Every day with every breath. See? Simple. No macroeconomics course requirement. Oh, and never give up. Ever. That's just not on the table :)

EmotionalFool posted 6/11/2013 10:37 AM

((UO)) CL & I missed u

caspers1wish posted 6/11/2013 10:43 AM

Life doesn't owe you anything. Whether your childhood resembled a Norman Rockwell painting or a Norman Bates motel there is nothing personal about any of it. Just shit that happened and shit that didn't. How you cope, grow, use your tools and talents is the real story and entitlement just fucks with all that anyway.

I love that, it's what I've really learned through out this. I'm not entitled to a GD thing. I either want to be a good person, or I don't. I either want to self destruct or I don't. It's not about my shitty childhood or bad parents to fuel those flames, it's me.

It's good to see you, UO!

tired girl posted 6/11/2013 10:44 AM

Bravo.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/11/2013 10:46 AM

Welcome back

knightsbff posted 6/11/2013 11:28 AM

Awesome post, as usual.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/11/2013 11:36 AM

Glad you're back!!

[This message edited by broevil at 11:36 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

MissesJai posted 6/11/2013 11:51 AM

there she is! missed you girlie. Love your post.

libertyrocks posted 6/11/2013 11:53 AM

Wow, it was like a symphony.

Well done, there.
Nice to meet you,

-libby :)

hardlessons posted 6/11/2013 12:15 PM

There goes the neighborhood!

gonnabe2016 posted 6/11/2013 12:49 PM

There goes the neighborhood!


Nice to see you back, UO. You've been missed.

Darkness Falls posted 6/11/2013 13:58 PM

Great post!

wert posted 6/11/2013 15:32 PM

Drive. If it's missing there is no substitute. Waiting for someone to find it is a fool's errand.

I agree completely with the first part of this, the drive must be there and be from within.

The waiting part I am not so sure on. Guilt and shame are places people can get stuck, I wouldn't wait too long, but it worked in my case. I accept that messed up people, usually, don't just wake up that way one day. Those patterns, internal dialog's and coping strategies take a long time to hone. They take a while to unlearn as well. As a BS it blows chunks to wait and watch someone you cared about flounder all over themselves and others. That said sometime it takes a while to find the drive, shit to even know what it looks like or what it is.

Your post was great. I have learned a ton from you. This is pretty nuanced stuff out of an otherwise outstanding and enlightening post.

take care...

Unagie posted 6/11/2013 16:06 PM

There goes the neighborhood!

I thought something similar. Right behind the yay she's back. UO you were missed.

This is a great post:

Life doesn't owe you anything. Whether your childhood resembled a Norman Rockwell painting or a Norman Bates motel there is nothing personal about any of it. Just shit that happened and shit that didn't. How you cope, grow, use your tools and talents is the real story and entitlement just fucks with all that anyway. You have them, you know, or if you don't you can find them and learn how they feel in your hand. How to use them to fix, not break, build, not destroy. You only have to choose. Every day with every breath. See? Simple. No macroeconomics course requirement. Oh, and never give up. Ever. That's just not on the table :)

It took me a long time to come to terms with the simple part of this statement. It wasn't simple for me until I realized it could be. The never giving up, yea I needed that reminder, because some days it's really tempting. Not going to happen though, I'm stronger then I think, giving up is never an option.

Again welcome back, you were missed.

isadora posted 6/11/2013 18:06 PM

Welcome back!

Great post.

KBeguile posted 6/11/2013 18:45 PM

Welcome back, UO. You had a lot of people wondering and missing you, including myself.

SandAway posted 6/12/2013 09:22 AM

Welcome back UO

As you become whole and healthy you stop looking to others.

Life doesn't owe you anything.

Good stuff; great post

uncertainone posted 6/12/2013 11:01 AM

They take a while to unlearn as well

Oh, yes they do but if that drive isn't there ain't gonna happen. Wert, WS aren't, for the most part challenged fragile snowflakes. Not saying that there aren't real issues and even mental illness that doesn't play roles. I'm stating that cheating is a known shit show. There's nothing "oh, SNAP" about it. You know that your partner isn't going to ask for the DVD as a Christmas gift so there's a real cogent understanding what you're doing is wrong. If there's not, then I'd be heading for the exit at Mach speed. Seriously.

The how to do it may be a struggle. The where to start, sure. The full realization of the scope and damage absolutely. That OMG I need to fix this shit in me...if it isn't there the partner is deluding themselves that anything can be fixed. I would hope they'd be detaching anyway. That should be step 1 for any BS regardless. That's the only way I could ever see any hope. Detaching and willing to walk away. Otherwise, how can you stay without it costing you everything?

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/12/2013 11:06 AM

Great post! I love your choice of words and just cutting through the BS.

tired girl posted 6/12/2013 11:09 AM

I would hope they'd be detaching anyway. That should be step 1 for any BS regardless. That's the only way I could ever see any hope. Detaching and willing to walk away. Otherwise, how can you stay without it costing you everything?

Word. On this, both you and I agree. And it has often been said, that you have to be willing to lose the M to save it. Getting to that place of being ok with loosing the M can be very difficult, but it is a necessary step.

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