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Erika23 posted 6/11/2013 11:58 AM

Hello all,

So about a year and a half into the relationship I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. I found out because he had videos of him and another girl on his computer and I got into his computer and saw them all. I immediately left him and was completely devastated. Over the next months he was doing a lot to try and get me back and I just believed that he could really change (stupid, i know) and we got back together. We were together for another 7 months and things for the most part were great and he was always telling me how grateful he was that I took him back and how he could never cheat on me again and put me through that pain again. Well after 7 months of being back together, I found out that he cheated on me AGAIN. That made it so so easy for me to walk away because I had done everything in my power to make it work and he still betrayed me so I knew at that point that it was over. However, now I am just feeling a lot of pain, pain that I cannot even begin to deal with because of the way I found out both times. I keep seeing the videos in my head and the text messages I read from the second time around. I feel extremely messed up and I feel like I am carrying the heaviest burden ever. Another part of it that makes it so hard for me is that he is a professional athlete that runs track and he keeps using God through his career and everyone looks at him as this godly man with such strength and it absolutely kills me to know that he is out there being successful and getting so much love from everyone while I sit back and suffer in silence. I have been having extreme suicidal thoughts lately...I know i could NEVER go through with harming myself but I just am at the point where I have no desire to try and get through all of this pain. I feel so drained and so lifeless and I just dont have a clue on how to handle it all. I dont cry myself to sleep or look sad all of the time, I just put on a smile and let everyone think I am okay but I am dying on the inside. I feel as though I will never find anyone again because of my terrible issues I have from the whole situation and I just cannot stop feeling so disgusting and violated and dirty from all the cheating. Any advice would be more than appreciated. Thank you all so much if you even read through this whole post.

huRtZ413 posted 6/11/2013 12:04 PM

im sorry your going through this i dont have much advice only that you need to take care of yourself work on you . i dont know if you plan on staying or not but please take care of yourself

tushnurse posted 6/11/2013 12:09 PM

(((Erika)))

Honey your hurt is palpable. I get that you feel completely broken, and will never be the same again. But that is not always a bad thing. You will learn from this, you will become stronger, and wiser.

You sound fairly young, you have many years ahead of you that will be fufilling.

As far as he goes. God knows what he is doing, and his acts of faith are just that, acts. So trust in faith, and know that he will get what's coming to him sooner or later.

A few things that will make this easier on you, read the healing library up there on the left side of your screen. Focus on yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping, if you are not able to do these things go to your Dr and let them know that you are having a horrible time, and get some antianxiety meds. In addition take control, over feeling dirty, by getting the STD testing done and over. This will help you feel better, and remove doubt of the what if's.
Be kind to you. Rely on friends, and family for love and support.
Get yourself into IC. Work through your feelings.

You should be proud of yourself for leaving. Now block him from your life, your phone, your email, everything. FTG, he is unworthy of someone as smart, brave, and awesome as you. Keep telling yourself this. It is true.

Learn to be happy with just you. You don't NEED a man, and a man will be lucky to have you. When you accomplish this it keeps you from being attracted to the Aholes of the world, and allows you to be the choosy one.

Welcome, and make sure you do one nice thing for you each day.

((((and strength)))

libertyrocks posted 6/11/2013 12:10 PM

Hey Erika. You really got shafted. Again. I'm so waiting for that day to come, too. Actually, hoping for it so I can walk out.

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I understand the unsurmountable amount of incredible pain you feel. NOTHING can help but time and IC. Remember, you are an awesome young lady who didn't deserve the pain you are in. Try to do things you enjoy, call your family and friends, anything to distract you for a while since it's so new to you. Read healing library and do 180. Big hug to you...

TheClimb posted 6/11/2013 12:14 PM

Erika:

I am sorry that he threw away the second chance that you gave him. But now you know, this is not about YOU but about him. I know how bad it hurts the first time and for them to do it AGAIN after seeing all the pain they caused is just totally fucked up. That will become his new name, Fuck Up.

I also understand the feeling that only you are carrying this burden that you did not create. In my case, the OW just started over... new man, new home, and no repercussions. Hardly anyone knows and she walks around this small, shitty town as if she is still the poor widow. Drives me crazy!! I want so bad to paint WHORE all over her little silver Pilot.

Finally, you will get through the pain, one damn day at a time. You did it before; you are free now. No questions about trusting him... you know you can't. One day soon, you will look back and thank Fuck Up. He could have done this after twenty years of marriage, a mortgage and three kids. You will be FINE. Take something to help you sleep. If you can't get food down, drink Ensure until you can eat again. And keep smiling, one day very soon you will mean it!

If you haven't already, please check out the Healing Library. There is a ton of good information there and it will help you see that many have been in your shoes and will help you get past the pain.

LivingALie posted 6/11/2013 12:18 PM

Ericka – You did something that took a lot of guts and courage. You did something for YOU because you deserve better. You did the right thing – and although it might not seem like it now – when you look back on this – you will know that it was the right thing to do and you’ll be happy you did it. He showed you who he was – and you listened and you left – good for you!

To help you deal with all this – you could try going to a counselor – I know we see this advice over and over – but it really will help. I looked it as a way to get control of myself and my life – by doing something for me. Give it some thought – sometimes just getting thoughts and feelings out – and having them validated by another person really helps you see that you’re doing the right thing.

I know – its hard. But take a look at some of the stories here – people who went ahead and married a cheater and it never stopped – thinking they could “love or nice” them to stop cheating. You can’t change him – you can only control how you react – and sweetheart – you reacted 100% correctly.

Take good care of yourself.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/11/2013 12:33 PM

Erika, you have suffered a loss so it is natural and normal for you to feel all of those painful feelings. You've been hurt deeply by someone that you cared about.

As others have pointed out, though, you have taken the first and most important step by removing yourself from the situation. You don't see it now, but that took a great deal of courage and strength to do.

You'll get through this and you will be fine. I look at a break-up and the feelings associated with it as being similar to a death. You will grieve. You HAVE to. So maybe try glancing through the stages of grief so that you'll be able to more readily identify your feelings.

Also, I've seen a book recommended....How To Get Past Your Break-Up (I think). I haven't read it yet, but many others have and have found it to be helpful.

As for FuckUp coming across as some great, godly man. Well, with people like this....their true character shines through eventually. However, if you do ever happen upon the opportunity to 'inform' the world that he really isn't all that great after all....you could totally take advantage of it.

You WILL get through this and you WILL be okay.

Erika23 posted 6/11/2013 14:51 PM

Wow,

I did not expect such great advice so quickly. You all are wonderful people and it means so much that you took the time to help me out. Thank you all for the kind and wise words, I am going to start counseling next week and I am looking for a cheap clinic to get tested at this week. I am going to do nice things for myself because I know I deserve to. I deleted all contact with him when it all happened but I am still friends with a lot of his friends and I decided to delete my facebook for a while so that I can really focus on myself and not have constant reminders of him. I believe that day by day I will get closer to being where I want to be in life. Hopefully Karma will hit him hard with his career haha

momentintime posted 6/11/2013 16:51 PM

Hon, you have dodged a very big bullet. He has demonstrated he has no boundaries, that he put himself first and he isn't capable of honoring his commitments.

You have value, honor and integrity. I know this is painful and feels like you will never be happy again. You will be happy again, it just takes time. You don't get over this, you have to go through the pain and come out the other side. Block him, so he can't confuse you, manipulate you back, or make you feel sorry for him. He isn't sorry he hurt you, he is sorry he got caught again. Move forward. You will get stronger and find someone who will cherish you. Do not settle for anything less, ever again.

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/11/2013 18:01 PM

Hi Erika,

I am proud of you... as both another woman and one who was shafted a second time around, too...you were able to stay true to your own values and not make him more important than you are and that's an amazing and important thing.

I give you so much credit for that-and others who see the light so soon.

I am going through many things as you are, the emotions are overwhelming at times and it's changing who I am in many, many ways.

There is a post that says "you don't need a man!" and I am just coming to those terms in my life and seeing all that I can do on my own and you will, too.

I am rooting for you and want you to know that the grief will eventually get better. If it's like mine, it will fluxuate but eventually you will find brief and then longer moments where he and the As are not the only thing you think of or perhaps something you like will jog your mind and be able to be thought of during the grief.

For what it's worth, my first glimpse of light after the storm was the sun itself. I was out walking and wracking my brain for thoughts of anything in life I knew before I knew Perv and when the sun hit my face on a cloudy day, it was like a "light bulb". Kind of corny but a year later I have not forgotten that moment or where I was and when the grief comes, I search for those things.

I, too, had thoughts of wanting to give up and thoughts as you do but would not have acted on it, that I knew of. I kept picturing him thinking he "won" and could not give in that way, or contemplate my daughter growing up and not getting to see that.

In the blackest periods of the grief storms, it's hard to remember there are other things, but there are and I am certain that you can find them if you want to. I am living proof of that.