Second..what is he doing to show you he wants to R?
These are just a few things he should be doing...
Be remorseful...remorse is all about you and helping you heal..it isnt selfish..that's regret.
He must get tested for STD's..with the results sent to you..you get tested also.
He must go to IC to figure out why he did this.
He must be 100% transparent..he gives you full access to all of his accounts and cell..passwords included...if he has a work phone/email..you get the passwords..PERIOD.
He answers all of your questions with complete honesty..no blaming you or becoming defensive.
He takes 100% responsibility for his choices.
He is accountable for his time when he isn't with you.
And anything else you need to heal. he needs to understand it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..it's an emotional rollercoaster,he needs to buckle up.
He needs to be patient and understanding and realize the gravity of what he has done.
As for whether you have all of the truth...make a polygraph a condition of R.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
And what confused615 said.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
Take care of yourself and your sons.
[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 6:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
He agrees with me on a lot but says that if my H wants to be opposite of what he was then I should put my guard down enough to let him because if I never give him positive reinforcement for trying then he might just give up one day
Maybe it's just me but this statement bothers me...A LOT!!!
So if you stop validating him and complementing him for doing things he should have been doing all along, he will stop. He needs to work on himself and do these things because he should have been doing them anyway, not to get a high 5 from you! So if you don't acknowledge something he is doing he gets to stop trying?? He is the one who gave up and "quit" already when he had an affair, how does that make you feel any safer?
(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
So if you stop validating him and complementing him for doing things he should have been doing all along, he will stop. He needs to work on himself and do these things because he should have been doing them anyway, not to get a high 5 from you!
A big part of this is determining whether his remorse is genuine, and whether he is now telling the truth the best he is able. I think you have to watch, verify and check up on him in ways that he is not expecting, for a while. But if I time comes you believe he is sincere, then you need to show some signs that you want to be close to him again. And that means both of you being nice to each other and showing some sign to the other you appreciate each other. I do not believe in the 2-5 years timeline for reconciliation, and think it is unnecessarily pessimistic for both the BS and WS. And yes, I know that many experts and book authors stand by the 2-5 year timeline. It happened a lot sooner than two years for us.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:08 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 10:54 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
Does the OW have a husband? Does he know?
Your first post has been on my mind...that after a "long hard relationship of him being unsatisfied by any strides I made to improve myself and prove that ive always been faithfull and loyal to him" he cheated on you.
Why did you have to change to be good enough for him? Why did you have to prove you were faithful? And then you said he wouldnt spend money on a wedding because you're a SAHM..if I understand correctly,he makes the money and he'll spend it how he wants..after all..you're "just" a stay at home mom..am I right?
Other than saying he's sorry and telling you what kind of husband he wants to be..what else is he doing? Anything on my list in my other post?
[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 8:27 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]