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Newest Member: Jnair (61464)

User Topic: Caught WH in a lie yesterday - advice?
♀ 37574
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I have been doing great. We're in MC every 3 weeks now - he's (seemingly) really trying to get to the core of why his first instinct is to lie.

Sunday morning he had a very long chat with his mom (he told her about the A's right after Dday). No need for me to go into detail, but he admitted some things to her he never did before, and I can imagine she was pretty surprised.

He was all worked up when he got off the phone - I guess worried he'd really upset his mom. I think she's probably relieved he opened up, and I told him that. I also told him how proud I was of him for it - and we had a great day after that. Well, except we had a few too many cocktails on the patio after some yardwork.

And so the both of us woke up feeling pretty hungover (drinks on Sundays? Yeah - bad idea!) but off to work we went.

We texted back and forth through the day, nothing out of the ordinary. He mentioned that he felt awful - we didn't eat much on Sunday which didn't help the gin and tonics. So I wasn't shocked that I found him already in bed when I got home. I went up, kissed him hello, and asked what time he left work. He told me 4:00pm. I left him be and settled myself downstairs. I noticed that he had his laptop next to the bed, again, not unusual.

But, for some reason, I felt the need to check my keylogger , which I check maybe once every week or 2 these days. So I log on, there he is, logged on at 11:33am...WTF?

I got that sick feeling I haven't had in months. Why wouldn't he just tell me he left early? According to the keylogger, he'd been online off and on since 11:30, mostly FB, his usual news and sports sites, and (which he knows I know about).

Call me dumb, but I don't think he left early to have some sort of romp with anyone - unless he had one hand on the keyboard while he was...nevermind. Also, he looked like hell and had plates and crumpled napkins on the floor. I honestly think he felt crappy, left work, got in bed with laptop and some snacks and that's about it.


Don't see myself keeping my mouth shut about this till we go back to MC next week. Do I confront him tonight? I'm not going to tell him how I know, obviously.

[This message edited by Hunter23 at 1:25 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well if you caught him, you have 2 choices the way I see it.

1. Confront him about it, by giving him a way out. Did you say you came home at 4:30 yesterday? It just looked like you were camped out there longer than that.

2. Don't confront, and go back on patrol.

If he has an issue with lying then I would say confront, and call BS when you know it's BS. Break the habits. He needs to know that you are cool him being honest and skipping out on work more so than him lieing.

I would not reveal my source though.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13275 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can confront without revealing your keylogger,I would do it. He is lying for a reason..and ANY lie during R is a problem.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd probably go up to him and say, "soooo, 4 pm, huh? How are the big tits doing?" and see what he says.

Lying can be a habit for waywards. But it is a habit that MUST be broken or you will continue to be in this cycle.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 37574
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Yes, lying is the big issue here... On Sunday we talked about how he's really making and effort to be honest (which he did with his mom) - and the next day he flat out BS's me? Did his brutal honesty with mom push him over the edge so he went back to his comfort zone? I don't get it.

Confused, I will be confronting him tonight. He doesn't know about the keylogger so I know he'll be curious as to how he got busted. No problem. We live on the busiest street in town (not saying much). It's almost a given that someone I know would have noticed his car parked out front and wondered why he wasn't at work.... He just doesn't need to know that's not how I found out.

(And me becoming this sneaky really sucks. Not something I like about myself right now.)

Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this makes me crazy. My H will do this. He will stretch the truth, set me spinning with doubt, just because he didnt want to look woosy with a hangover. I just want to throw things. You have to be transparent. And this shit, over nothing??? THeir ego is so fragile. Which is why we are here, no?

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
♀ 16394
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is he never went into work in the first place.

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
♀ 37574
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I confronted him last night. He didn't deny it, simply said he felt hungover and panicky (issues he's had and is working with MC on) and couldn't handle a full day there. So he made up an excuse about someone coming to the house to look at our stove and cut out of there.

My guess is he never went into work in the first place.

No, I'm fairly certain he did. As I've mentioned before, OW's sis is one of my best GF's and calls/texts GF throughout the day. If he hadn't shown up at all, I would've heard about it. OW is all up in everyone's business there - among other things...

Actually, after we talked about it he asked if I found out when he left through OW's sis. Which I hadn't even thought about. Even if I hadn't caught him on the keylogger, my GF would have mentioned it! So I told him no - that's not how I knew - and that I wouldn't reveal how. But I had to point out to him - that because of the nosy OW, I would've found out anyway!

But all this isn't the point.
I explained that lying about your whereabouts for 4+ hours could be a an absolute deal breaker and could set our progress back significantly. And ANY kind of lie is unacceptable - unless it's for a surprise gift or something.
He kept saying "I should have just told you the truth - now you're thinking the worst."

Well, he's partially right. He should have, and he didn't. But thanks to the keylogger showing his web activity, not to mention finding him amid a pile of snack wrappers, on an unmade bed, still in his work clothes, I wasn't thinking about "the worst".

I really believe the cheating part may never return. It's the years of lying that are so much harder for him to change. He seems to really want to, but this kind of nonsense just takes us a step back.

Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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