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The point in the marriage the A occurred...

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jojo42 posted 6/11/2013 13:36 PM

Hi all.

As my WH and I talk and talk about what has occurred, he has expressed that he is happy this happened so soon after we got married because it means once we sort through everything, we still have our whole lives ahead of us, and we'll be a better and stronger couple because of it.

For me, I think it's a bad sign. The first year of the marriage is supposed to be a honeymoon- yet he was able to begin an A 2 months into it. To me it worries me that, if he wasn't enough into me that early in the marriage, what will happen as I get older? How can we have a strong marriage without any honeymoon phase as a foundation (granted we had many happy years as a couple before getting married)?

What are your thoughts? Does it matter at what point in the marriage the affair happened? Are his points valid? Are mine?

hobbeskat posted 6/11/2013 13:40 PM

My WH says the same thing (5 months into our marriage). I agree with you. It hasn't gotten it out of the way, it means we don't even have one anniversary without this wound.

7yrsflushed posted 6/11/2013 14:00 PM

I am not in R and getting a D. Just wanted to say that my STBXWW had her first A less than a year after we got married. She never told me about it and I never found out. She had her 2nd A a few years later and this time it was a 3 yr LTA with a coworker. She got busted and eventually TT'd the 1st A to me.

So yes it's a bad sign that the black hole in your WS opened up so soon after you got married. But IMO, the biggest factor is what is a WS willing to do to address the issues that caused them to have the A in the first place. In my case my STBX rugswept and just tried to will herself into not cheating and we know how that works or more accurately doesn't work. The underlying issues are still there and never get resolved. So it's not so much when they cheat but what they do after the A that gives you a glimpse into what your future may possibly be like.

Took me awhile to wake up but once I realized that my STBX could not address her own issues I refused to wait around for DDAy#3 to be dropped on me.

What is your husband doing to actually "sort" through everything that he has done and why he did it? That is the important questions that HE needs to address. I hope he is in counseling because the A nor the timing of the A is nothing to be happy about.

To get him to see the absurdity of his statement you can always tell him that you really are glad he had his A early because now you can divorce him and become a better and stronger person by yourself and be better prepared in your next relationship rather then stay with a proven cheater and see his reaction.

twodoves posted 6/11/2013 14:15 PM

WH started cheating before we got married,and I found out a month after our 2 year wedding anniversary.

I don't feel like we have our whole lives ahead of us, but we already have children. I feel like we royally screwed up our children already and one of them isn't even born yet. and our marriage? ugh

SecondHelping posted 6/11/2013 14:25 PM

It's never a good any time.

Happened to us at year 2 of M and then again at year 24.

We didn't really deal with it correctly the first time. We were overseas and the MC over there was shit.

MUFan posted 6/11/2013 14:36 PM

If my fWH had an affair pre-kids and that early in the M, I would be gone. He's lucky because we have 12 years of a pretty good solid marriage to fall back on. If we hadn't had this solid background I would be gone.

[This message edited by MUFan at 2:37 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/11/2013 14:46 PM

Mine happened early in the M too, 2 months or so. And honestly, as much as everyone says the first year is all honeymoon and rainbows, it's not, even for M'd couples who don't go through what we're going through. Everyone I have talked to said the first year of M was the hardest thing for them. Honestly, I'm glad we went to MC in the first years of our M. I'm glad we've learned so much at this critical moment in our lives. Am I glad it happened because of an A?? HELL NO. But still...silver lining and all.

FightingBack posted 6/11/2013 15:01 PM

My H's A began after we had been married 10 years. Our youngest was 6 and our eldest (from a previous marriage) was 16. Two in between were 8 and 9.

My H's mother had recently passed away, we were really busy with our family, and his business was taking off and very successful.

I was 37 and I say now, that had I found out then, I would have left him but who knows.

catlover50 posted 6/11/2013 15:21 PM

For what it's worth, according to a book I read recently it tends to be a worse sign in terms of the percentage of couples who stay together if it happens early.

Of course that doesn't mean that people don't beat the odds, that's just what this book said.

I sure wish I had known about my fWH's issues way back when, but there's no way to know if he would have been ready to face them at the time.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Rebreather posted 6/11/2013 15:24 PM

Are you sure he said he was happy it happened now? Because that would induce stabbing on my part, even though I know what the intent of the statement is. Poor choice of words, that.

There is no "good" time for this to happen. I do think early on that many of us would run, because we wouldn't have the time and entanglements that we would later on.

I think it is a pointless argument, frankly, and detracts from the real issues; he had an affair (still is in it, basically) and what is he going to do about HIMSELF?

karmahappens posted 6/11/2013 15:28 PM

Thank you Rebreather...

I had the same thought.

He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and if he did I would swipe it with a baseball bat.

sisoon posted 6/11/2013 17:04 PM

What Rebreather says, and ...

IMO, your H's points are totally valid for anyone who isn't willing to be monogamous. If monogamy is important to you, however, your next-to-last paragraph hits nails on their heads.

You won't be a stronger couple because of the A. If you do become a stronger couple, it'll be only because of work you both do.

jojo42 posted 6/11/2013 17:10 PM

Yah- the comment tells me that he would expect it to happen at some point, and this is just when it happened to occur- I think this all sheds some light on his underlying issues, which I hope we can address in counseling.

I love him deeply, but I know I don't want to be married to someone who is always needing that next thrill and ego-boosting...

fourever posted 6/11/2013 17:16 PM

At 19 years. Old fuck buddy. 4 years long.
She was pissed when he gave me a rather large 20th anniv. diamond ring.

Had our 25th (-4) in Feb.

Every one of us has a similar but unique situation. Only you, no book, no friend, SI, can tell you what is right. Take all the info, and make your decision that way.

wincing_at_light posted 6/11/2013 17:17 PM

Just tell him you'll save yours for later in the marriage, then, because since he's already had his, the worst you can ever be is even.

Please understand that I'm not advising you to have an affair or keep that card in your back pocket -- but since his attitude is so cavalier, I think he'd benefit from getting to worry about his comeuppance for a few years.

But I'm kind of a dick, so YMMV.

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