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The sad reality of my life

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Shockedman posted 6/11/2013 14:04 PM

I had a really long 2 hour heart to heart with WW today. I was going NC and 180, but I am trying to be real and not prolong the pain. We, rather I concluded it is over and I want to D. She didn't fight it too hard. She knows its best. The bottom line is that the relationship is dead. I wished and hoped an prayed for something to hold onto, but the depth of this affair is too much for us to save. I like to use analogies and this is what I have come up with. If your house was on fire, you could put of the flames and then dig through the ruble to salvage something and rebuild. I look at my situation as an atomic bomb. EVERYTHING was wiped out. EVERYTHING. How can you rebuild something from nothing? The answer is, you can't. I had the 3 basic requirements to consider even thinking about R. 1. NC with AP. 2. Full transparency. 3. True remorse. I am 0 for 3. She says she has NC with AP, but she can't promise it forever. Closure is needed.

I know many vets will say to take my time and not rush into anything. I am going away for a week long trip. When I return it will be 1 month since d-day. That is not long, I know, but we both seem to know it is over, so why prolong the agony? Do I want to go through 5 years of R? We don't have enough left to even attempt that. We can't attempt R, because we have a past or because we share assets. Thats not a reason. She is in love with another man and although it is mostly the fog and she will realize this someday, it may take years for her. I know (she told me) she experienced things emotionally and sexually in this affair that she has never experienced before. She also has lots of FOO issues to address and I want kids. She does not. That was likely going to end us before the affair, now it is sort of a no brainer. I am SO sad and SO heartbroken. I have been with this women for nearly half my life. I know her better than anyone in the world. She is not half ass about anything. She Went ALL in in her A and was ALL out in our marriage. I deserve a happy life and this isn't it. I want you all to know I love and appreciate you and your advice. It has been a life saver and has helped me so much. I don't plan to leave SI and will continue to post as I make my way through this process in hopes of helping other, like you have all helped me. For now I am off to enjoy a weekend of music and fun. I will see you soon.

heartache101 posted 6/11/2013 14:08 PM


You and only You knows what you can and can not do.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/11/2013 14:08 PM

Go have some fun Shocked. Our thoughts are with you.

Skan posted 6/11/2013 14:15 PM

Go and have some fun. Try to relax and make your time all about you. Time enough to face this when you get back.

You know,when you KNOW you're done, then you're done. No one else but you is capable of making that decision. Frankly, if my FWH had not rolled over on his belly and given everything up, I doubt that we would be married right now. I was ready to boot him out.

When you come back, you may want to go down to the Separation & Divorce forum and introduce yourself. There's a lot of good people down there that can help you as well.

But meanwhile, go have yourself a good time this weekend.

neverwantedaWW posted 6/11/2013 14:18 PM

Enjoy your time away. Try to relax as much as possible.

momentintime posted 6/11/2013 14:21 PM

Only you can decide when you are done and when to draw down the curtain. No one here will judge you for knowing what your limits are and acting on them.

Try to enjoy your week away. You will have tough moments but you will get through this. Yes, your are right, you deserve better.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:23 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Shockedman posted 6/11/2013 14:33 PM

Skan. Your tagline speaks to me SO much. That is how I feel right now.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/11/2013 14:48 PM

You're going to be just fine, Shocked.

Enjoy your trip.

1Faith posted 6/11/2013 15:09 PM

Shocked -

I hope you know that you will be okay. One way or another.

You have to follow your heart and your instincts. If you know, you know.

Please continue IC for yourself. You will find that you will still have a lot of healing to do.

My wish for you is peace of heart and knowing that you are worthy of love and honesty.

God bless. Onward.

seekingright2013 posted 6/11/2013 16:12 PM

Shocked, hope you have a great break and lots of time to enjoy friends, music etc.

Echoing everyone -- you know when you're done. You are just honoring your own instincts -- very important. For what it's worth, I think, based on what you wrote, that you are doing the right thing.

I want to comment on this, though --

I want kids. She does not

You are, in my opinion, 1000% right to end it.

Your profile doesn't say, but I am thinking you are still young -- 20s or 30s. You said you'd been with WW nearly 1/2 of your life. Even if you're in your 40s, as a GUY, you still have time to have a family.

Like someone else said, stay in IC, heal ... you can make a good life for yourself. There will be a true, faithful woman out there to appreciate you and have a family with you.

Shockedman posted 6/11/2013 16:50 PM

Thanks everyone. Has been one of the hardest days of my life. What a whirlwind. I am in my mid/late 30's so I do have a chance for a future. It is SO hard to face this reality. Being with someone almost half your life makes the decision to end it nearly unbearable, but I know itis what is best for me and that is what matters now. I know I will be OK and I pray and hope she will too. We both have a lot of healing left to do and I can't see leaving IC anytime soon! Peace to you all and I hope you are doing well in whatever stage your in now.

tushnurse posted 6/11/2013 16:52 PM


go have fun. Try to not think about it while you are away.
Your right it may take her a long time to figure this out if she ever does. If she does, and starts to make changes then you cna decide then if you want to continue. If not that is ok too.

Listen to your heart, you are a smart, sound man. And the next Lady that find you will be very lucky.

((((and strength)))))

Getting to Happy posted 6/11/2013 18:01 PM

I know that your sad. Infidelity SUCKS!

But you seem like your in a peaceful place.

Enjoy your time away from it all.

We are thinking of you.

kernel posted 6/11/2013 18:05 PM

I've seen it here a lot - you just know when you are DONE. Time to plan YOUR future. Enjoy your break, then come back and get busy living for you.

solus sto posted 6/11/2013 18:13 PM

If you know, you know. There's no sense in devoting time, arbitrarily, to a marriage that's irrevocably damaged--just because someone says to give it time.

I know you hoped for a different outcome. I'm sorry.

LA44 posted 6/11/2013 19:22 PM

Enjoy the week of music, ((Shockedman))

Your courage and conviction are sure to inspire others who are in the same place.


didiknow posted 6/12/2013 00:16 AM

I've been following your posts, our D-Days were about the same time and I am in a similar place as you.

WW is showing no remorse, she would like to have more kids but I don't. She moved out the day after I confronted her. The only thing I'm fairly certain of is WW has NC with OM but only because the Army ordered it and I have been checking her phone and text log online.

It's time to move on brother, God help us all.

Skan posted 6/12/2013 19:58 PM

Shockedman, be well this week. You too, didiknow.

ninebark posted 6/13/2013 07:23 AM


As the others have said, you know when you know. I tried to R for two years, and one day realized it just wasn't going to work. I was just prolonging the envitable.

But I can tell you this, things get better. I thought my world had ended but I moved on, started to enjoy life again, eventually met someone new who treats me wonderfully. The pain which once felt like a sharp stab wound is now a faint dull ache that I hardly ever feel anymore.

Good enjoy your time off. Take some time to get to know who you are all over again

h0peless posted 6/13/2013 13:38 PM

I wish I had the clarity you do at one month out. Be good to yourself and have a fun trip.

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