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Surfing/snooping...same old song and dance.

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bewildered22 posted 6/11/2013 14:15 PM

It has been almost a year since DD and working at R.. somewhat in a holding pattern not good/not bad. An issue for the past 15 years in our marriage has been pornography. It drove me crazy for years then I just kind of let it go. Since the A, I have had no tolerance for it. He has agreed/promised to not surf anymore. I do monitor our computer and have "caught" him a few time..very minimal but again I have NO TOLERANCE!! Now he has an android phone and I questioned why his history was deleted...he danced around it and said he didn't know why that happened (new phone). Well..my gut says he is surfing porn. I guess when I asked him the quesion I would have been happier with the truth because I have even less tolerance for him lying. This just puts me in hyper vigilance mode.. and I am tired of being there..tired of playing PI. Am I making this into a bigger deal than I should? Am I wrong to do all the snooping I do (lying to him)..I question if I will ever be able to stop cuz it is like a security blanket.

karmahappens posted 6/11/2013 14:19 PM

No you are not wrong for looking, obviously he has been doing things that you feel you have a 0 tolerance for.

Can I ask though, you say you have no tolerance for porn/lying...but he continues to do both. What are his consequences? Are you prepared to make them deal breakers? Are you just going to stomp your feet and get mad when he gets caught?

If that's the case he may just not stop...what's he got to lose?

neverwantedaWW posted 6/11/2013 14:21 PM

You are so not wrong. He has to commit to zero porn if that is the issue. All the best.

SimpleTruth posted 6/11/2013 14:59 PM

Am I making this into a bigger deal than I should?

No, not at all. Has there been a conversation about it? Such as what (you have to be specific because they find loopholes) is not acceptable and why it is not acceptable?

Am I wrong to do all the snooping I do (lying to him)

No, he has shown you he's not trustworthy. Trust is earned, it can't be rushed or forced. What do you mean by "lying to him"? He has been lying to you- why do you feel like you're "snooping"? You are verifying that he's not lying. It sucks that you have to do that.

I also don't like my WH viewing pornography. I hate it when he promises that he won't do it again and then months later I find out he's watching it again. I stomp and get mad, but then I don't know what else to do about it. I'm interested in what others have to share about consequences.

bewildered22 posted 6/11/2013 15:20 PM

We have had conversations..I have sent him information to try and make him understanding how it impacts me. He is always apologetic, makes promises etc. The last time he was frustrated by the whole issue that he broke his computer. I mean it is about self control. I think the lying is so problematic. I didn't get the truth about A and ONS until a poly...he gives himself credit for telling me everything but I KNOW it would have never happened if I didn't force it. I get the MO...don't want the trouble the truth will bring...but I think the lies hurt as much as the act of an A when they promise you they have told you everything..yeah right we all know about TT. Consequences...no not really. I don't know that I can say I would leave because he surfed for 15 minutes on occasion..but then I get when do you draw the line. I want him to do what he promises because he wants to..not because he knows I am watching...I feel like his mother sometimed - slapping his hand for his misbehavior.

SimpleTruth posted 6/11/2013 15:33 PM

I want him to do what he promises because he wants to..not because he knows I am watching

^^^^Exactly! Right there with you and the reason I left my WH. I was (and still am) so tired of the broken promises.

karmahappens posted 6/11/2013 15:56 PM

I don't know that I can say I would leave because he surfed for 15 minutes on occasion..but then I get when do you draw the line

so 15 minutes is ok, but an hour, two hours isn't? So is a little lying ok? A little flirting?

You draw the line in the sand when you decide your life and your peace of mind are more important than the "act" of being married.

When does "acting like his mom" stop? When do you decide you are done teaching him? It isn't your job to heal him...it's your job to heal and protect yourself.

If he doesn't have the desire to change and be a better man, a better husband, do you want him?

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

I am NOT saying kick him to the curb, but just think about what you really want, what you are willing to settle on and ask yourself what does it do to your person to settle on these things.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:57 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

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