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Jospehine85 posted 6/11/2013 16:43 PM

How do you get passed feeling ashamed for staying with your WH, even if they are remorseful and doing everything right?

I could write a list of everything he has done that makes me feel ashamed for staying. It would take hours.

Has anyone had success with overcoming this feeling? How did you do it?

fourever posted 6/11/2013 16:59 PM

I went through this too for a long while. I guess, because my fwh has really stepped up, that I don't feel that way anymore. However, if that wasn't the case, I might have been ashamed, but I'd have kicked him to the curb, no question, and thrown him under the bus with her.

Skye posted 6/11/2013 17:05 PM

I'm not totally over being ashamed I stayed, but for me what has helped is knowing that staying was better for me than leaving. I have no doubt about that.

I do have to say I don't know if my husband, the cheater, was remorseful. I do know before, during and after the affair he always treated me as I wanted to be so there wasn't much new he could do "right."

God only knows why he's stayed, though. I am now giving him every reason in the world to have an affair, but he doesn't! Go figure. I wonder why he's not ashamed to stay in a marriage being treated as he is.

crazyblindsided posted 6/11/2013 18:33 PM

I'm ashamed because I have stayed after multiple DDays.

mindbody posted 6/11/2013 19:23 PM

J85, I find it very helpful and powerful to admit that all my decisions regarding R are my choice. IMO the choice to R is coming from a good and hopeful place, so why, even if it proves to be the wrong choice in the end, should you dwell on feeling ashamed for staying with your WH? I really do understand why any BS/BSO feels this way.

even if they are remorseful and doing everything right?

That's really great WH is you really think he is remorseful? Is the shame coming from:

a list of everything he has done

I bet every BS/BSO has a list of many hurtful, deceitful, and painful behaviors. We all have R jitters, and with each step back, they are reinforced.

Like so many other areas of my life, sometimes a simple pro and con list can help sort through whether or not I am headed in the right direction or on the right track today. And notice I wrote today. Usually I am a planner by nature, looking ahead. With infidelitiy and all the emotions involved, living day by day is sometimes necessary to get to the future of making the decisions that are best for me.

Let's face it, this is not how you envisioned or expected your WH to treat you. And, I think you are grappling with the belief that you are a strong, independent woman and after what WH has done, what should/would someone like you do in response to this list? You feel like you are letting yourself down, principles and all, and ashamed for not being that
strong, sensible woman.

Try to give yourself some slack and some love, forget about what J85 thought she would/should do, and use your strength to guide you each day to find your path.

Jospehine85 posted 6/12/2013 00:30 AM

Thank you mindbody for your response.

I am taking it day-by-day. In fact, everyday I have to talk myself in to staying.

I could sit down and list all the reasons for staying and there are many:Kids, Kids, Kids, finances, history, chronic illness, too old to start over, etc.

The only reasons for leaving is that I don't love him and I am ashamed to be with him. I care about him and I pity him. But there isn't one spark of passion left for him. I don't know how to get it back. In fact, much of the time I find him and his touch repulsive.

I think about the fact that if I sat down and finally told friends and family EVERYTHING he's been doing our whole marriage and especially the last 7 years, they would wonder what the heck was wrong with me that I stay.

Ostrich80 posted 6/12/2013 03:29 AM

I was ashamed on here that I'm still living with ws. My 2nd DD was a yr and a half ago and I was going to D him then. Had a few things going on that put everything on hold. Meanwhile he calmed down, there was stability ans peace in the home again. It was so nice compared to the craziness that has been going on for do long, I just wanted to take a breather and enjoy it. Ws still has daily contact with ow, I know it but for now I can do this. It's temporary but it sounds so damn lame. I finally realized I'm not trapped, I'm not a victim, he's staying because its working for me right now. I have a few things I need to take care of first. Yea I could kick him out if I wanted but as long as he's calm, I block out what he's doing. I refuse to be intimate with him because I don't want to. We are basically room mates. But yea I'm kind.of embarrassed that I look like a weakling. I have been exhausted for 7 yrs due to his behavior. I needed a break and I got it. Guess we are using each other for our own reasons.

Skye posted 6/12/2013 08:43 AM

To me financial security had a higher weight on the scale than sparks and passion so it was pretty easy for me to make my decision. But if sparks and passion are heavier on your scale, then you probably should leave.

Take "shame" out of the equation. Why not substitute the word smart when thinking about what to do. Doing what is smart is never something to be ashamed of.

Razor posted 6/12/2013 09:09 AM

I agree with Skye.

I think that allot of the shame we feel is from a internal dialog. Before Dday how often would we say to ourself and others that if we were cheated on we would leave? I know I did. So now that reality come crashing down on me I see that things are more complex than I once thought they were.

As Skye said people stay in relationships for many more reasons than just the warm and fuzzy stuff. If your M is a long one then you and your WH lives are tangled up pretty tightly. So its not easy to just cut the cord and go. Children and finances are the first 2 big considerations that come into mind. There is also the fear of being alone and starting over. All these things can keep you in a relationship and those reasons are important.

Everybody either stays or goes for their own reasons. No one else has any right to judge because they really have no insight into the complexity of what keeps you in place.

The worst voice you may hear that is admonishing you for staying maybe your own. Why dont I leave? I deserve better than this - but maybe I dont. Maybe I am not worthy of faithfulness from my S. Maybe Im just not good enough. Maybe I am so horrible that I made my WS cheat. All internal dialog that runs off the self doubt that is rampant in the mind of a BS.

AND NONE OF IT IS TRUE. Many times I think we know it isnt true but still that internal voice whispers and we feel ashamed.

Try and get out on your own. Do something for yourself that you have always wanted to do. Take a class at university. Start a new hobby. Start doing things for yourself and you will soon feel better about yourself.

TheBestMe posted 6/12/2013 09:13 AM

This is my first post/reply so bear with me. I too am staying because and until I find a job. I too am repulsed by him and the knowledge of his 7 year physical affair. Although he thinks he "chose" me. For the first time in 7 years I am in control.

This also gives me the opportunity to decide if there will be reconciliation.

solus sto posted 6/12/2013 09:49 AM

I struggled with this--and then with anger at myself. Really, I've tried to focus on how I did the best with what I knew. It helps.

Would I do the same again? No. Was it really my best? No.

But it was the best I had to offer, in the circumstances.

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/12/2013 11:00 AM

I struggle with this as well, and I keep trying to look at the big picture and ask myself if I am better off staying with my wife or not. We have 4 children so of course I need to think of their well being. She is a great wife, who lost her way for a bit- that's what I keep telling myself in my head.

LoveActually posted 6/12/2013 11:36 AM

I too have fought feelings of shame and embarrassment for staying, but only because some of our friends know. I have wished so bad that no one knew. Everyone thought we were this perfectly in-love couple--people would always say, "we want a love like yours"--uhhh now not so much I guess. Over the last four years of my journey I have realized that no one's life is perfect and no one really knows what is going on in another person's life. I have seen people's love and life crash down on them who I would have never guessed--couples I thought were perfect! I have also learned that at the end of the day, most people really just care about what is going on in their lives--very few people take stock of other people's problems, especially marital problems.

In my opinion, there is no shame in fighting for someone/something that you love. It takes the bravest and toughest of souls to stand in that place.

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