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No decision made: helping my family at events w/WH

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CatchyUsername posted 6/11/2013 16:48 PM

Hello all! It has been five weeks since d-day. WH and I are functioning as married for now until I can make up my mind as far as what I want to do. Until then we have family functions that both sides of the families need to be at. Some people from my side are abstaining and my brother admitted to me today that he could barely stand being around WH and seeing us be affectionate with each other. Any suggestions? Coaching? Insight?

CatchyUsername posted 6/12/2013 03:47 AM

THoughts anyone?

OnAnIsland posted 6/12/2013 04:33 AM

You have to do what you need to do. How does it feel to be affectionate with your WH? You don't need to play that part unless you want to, unless it is authentic to you. You should be taking care of yourself and your needs. Nurturing and healing yourself. You have to do that no matter what. It is totally exhausting to play at happy and normalcy.

You don't need to answer to your family or his. But you have confided in your family members. This is the danger of sharing your story. they love you and are angry and hurt for you.

When you figure out what you want from your marriage, you will need to share that with your family. eventually if he does the work and supports you, they will be able to see and respect that. What do you want? What feels authentic? Do you want your WH to talk with your family and tell them what he did and how thankful he is to be married to you?

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 4:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

CatchyUsername posted 6/12/2013 04:45 AM

How does it feel to be affectionate with your WH? A: I only do it when I feel it and I feel it a lot. I also feel like screaming sometimes too but save that for private.

What do you want? A: I don't know yet and I think that is part of the issue. Maybe that until I DECIDE (versus staying married by default until we are a bit further along) then my family thinks I should be shunning him?

What feels authentic? A: authentic is my mantra these days and I think I am doing a pretty good job

Do you want your WH to talk with your family and tell them what he did and how thankful he is to be married to you? A: He did this. My mom thinks I need to just forgive him and get over it, but my brother has SO SO SO much anger but very much avoids confrontation, so when WH went to chat with him he (my brother) took it pretty easy on him.

OnAnIsland posted 6/12/2013 06:04 AM

Of course, if you are feeling it (being affectionate, etc), not putting on a show of normalcy- then you should do what feels right. I totally understand saving the screaming for private and being affectionate when you feel it. It helps rebuild the good feelings that are crucial should you decide to reconcile.

Have you asked your family to respect your decision making process by maintaining their peace with WH for family events for now? Have you asked both WH and your family what they need to feel able to take part in these family events and activities for now? It sounds like your brother and WH probably need another conversation where your brother actually expresses his anger, likely his hurt and disappointment as well. It is a hard situation, but I am guessing that the family events of the coming days are important to everyone involved. Another option is to check out of these family functions for a while, to give you time to figure out what you do want and to heal a bit. If that is an option. I think you have a full plate now with the healing and fall out.

Thinking of you.

SecondHelping posted 6/12/2013 06:31 AM

I am assuming you told your family. I didn't tell any family members except my sister and I only found out about that from my other sister.

Just do what it best for you. Don't worry about anyone else. My kids hate it now that my fWW and I are affectionate. I guess they saw what a mess I was the first two months after DD and don't understand the process. I'm pretty sure the two oldest know what happened.

heartache101 posted 6/12/2013 06:31 AM


Talk to your brother see why he is soo angry. He might know something??

Otherwise you need to be around people that are a positive energy for you and your family.

Everyone has their thoughts on what they would do friends and family. They are not you and their thoughts shouldn't mean beans. You do what you need to do.

Good luck.

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