I'm 7 months out, trying to R with IC/MC, but fantasize about D all the time.
XWH died Dec. 2010
I had many moments - for me it was getting harder and harder to forgive myself for staying. When I realised that even if he WAS doing all of the things I thought I needed to even consider R (he was not) I STILL would need to forgive myself for staying every.single.day.
I knew it was a dealbreaker on DD. I didn't want it to be and raged against it. But it just was.
If he suddenly turned extremely remorseful, I wouldn't move back to the marital home like nothing happened. I am not sure I am at the point that I would D regardless. I hope that with time, I can get to the point where I am done no matter what.
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
During this time I discovered we were in false R. We were also in MC. He got extremely angry after a session and started driving crazy, hitting the car. I thought he was going to hit me. It was then that I decided to go through with the divorce.
It is what it is.
When did you "know" you wanted a D?
I knew filing for divorce was the right thing for me to do, when I filed.
but it took about about 3 months after I filed, with ex being gone for a while, for me to get to the point where I could say divorce was what I wanted. I really had to get off the crazy train first, before I could see what I wanted. All his gaslighting, lies, and blameshifting really messed with me, and took up all my energy trying to figure them out. It kept me from focusing on what was best for me, and what I wanted.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
WH was home for 18 months before I finally knew I just couldn't do it. Hanging in there for the kids was not worth it. I had no desire to have a conversation with him and I couldn't even look him in the eyes. Sex with him made me feel ill and really it boiled down to, I just had NO respect for him at all anymore. I fantasized about D all of the time.
Since he left, I have felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I smile again in my house and I feel at peace, despite the stresses that remain. Every time he comes over to see the kids it just further convinces me. I don't feel happy to see him and I just feel irriated the whole time he is here - like I can't wait for him to leave again. I have also gotten to the point where I just don't have the desire to argue or fight back. When he sends those passive agressive texts where he is trying to engage me, I have no desire to respond. NC is just really easy now - I don't really even have to try anymore. I guess that's also how I really "know"
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:11 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
There was a 3 year S, where I naively thought that XH would turn into a decent H. He didn't, I pushed the D (that he claimed he wanted) through.
It's not what I wanted, but I felt like an asshole even thinking he'd turn into a decent person.
In retrospect, wish that I'd have filed myself at the 6 month mark. Even if it had worked out the same, I'd have spared myself 3 years of limbo.
We have been through a lot, but in the past 4 months he was formally as diagnosed as bipolar, we found out he's sterile (I've always wanted kids), and he was out with OW on the night of our anniversary (he had been seeing her before that). This was our second Dday.
There was just no hope for me in the R anymore. Looking ahead, the only thing I could see was a never ending roller coaster of pain and drama. I decided to D as the second Dday was unfolding on the night of our anniversary. Sometimes I wonder if the second Dday was the excuse I had been waiting for.