SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Just curious what it took for you to see clearly after the trauma...

I'm 7 months out, trying to R with IC/MC, but fantasize about D all the time.

After two A's and a few attempts at R...I could see the signs that it would happen again. XWH was one to run when the going got tough; he never did the heavy work to change his behaviors/reactions/responses to..well..life! He wanted to surround himself with women and attention..My love would never be enough for his insecurities. Even when I got the divorce, I wished I didn't have to, but I certainly felt so much more at peace once I did.

His lack of remorse made my decision easier and sooner than it would have been had he feigned remorse for a little longer.

I had many moments - for me it was getting harder and harder to forgive myself for staying. When I realised that even if he WAS doing all of the things I thought I needed to even consider R (he was not) I STILL would need to forgive myself for staying every.single.day.

I knew it was a dealbreaker on DD. I didn't want it to be and raged against it. But it just was.

I still don't *know* I want a D. What I do know, though, is that he is leaving me with no choice. As much as it hurts and as much as I wish so badly for husband: the original back, I can see the man in front of me now is not the man I married, there is nothing to hold on to, so it's time to end it.

If he suddenly turned extremely remorseful, I wouldn't move back to the marital home like nothing happened. I am not sure I am at the point that I would D regardless. I hope that with time, I can get to the point where I am done no matter what.

When I realized I was staying out of fear. Once I set that aside and just jumped...I could breath again.

We had seperated(more like he walked out). I had already filed for divorce. It wasn't the cheating that made me file. It was the abuse.

During this time I discovered we were in false R. We were also in MC. He got extremely angry after a session and started driving crazy, hitting the car. I thought he was going to hit me. It was then that I decided to go through with the divorce.

I said it a few times before I really meant it. That happened when we were out to breakfast for our 32nd anniversary (he had to work that night). He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he was finished with the OW. The next day I checked his phone records (he STILL didn't know I was doing this ) and saw that they were still talking. I told him it was over the next day, went through 6 months of in-house separation hell, then moved out.

I'd thought about divorce for many years, but always talked myself out of it. After my first DDay I brought the subject up early on with my IC, telling her I was "this close" to it and was fantasizing about separation at the very least. As the months of limbo wore on and STBX got only more angry & assholish, I realized that R was probably not going to be possible. Then I had a significant DDay which showed me the children were in danger, and that was that. I knew immediately and filed w/in the next few days (which was as long as it took to meet with a lawyer & get the paperwork started).

When did you "know" you wanted a D?

I knew filing for divorce was the right thing for me to do, when I filed.

but it took about about 3 months after I filed, with ex being gone for a while, for me to get to the point where I could say divorce was what I wanted. I really had to get off the crazy train first, before I could see what I wanted. All his gaslighting, lies, and blameshifting really messed with me, and took up all my energy trying to figure them out. It kept me from focusing on what was best for me, and what I wanted.

Dday. Before I even confronted. But I've been told I'm really odd, so there's that.

I didn't want one, and I still don't. But I'm over the cheating, the lying, the blameshifting, everything. I, too, knew it was a dealbreaker on the first Dday, but I fought like hell to keep my kids' family intact. Too bad he didn't feel the same way, or we might still be married.

Geez, I fought it and fought it for months of denial and then trying to somehow get him to R, all to no avail. Then one day, in the middle of a "discussion" he spouted some batshit crazy talk about how I had never supported him, and that was *the moment.* I knew I was done fighting, done talking, done, done, done. Then I got mad and that gave me the energy to get through the negotiating and dismantling of 25 years of marriage.

I think I have known since the beginning. Since dday. I always said infidelity was a deal breaker and then when it happened, I didn't want it to be a deal breaker because it meant giving up my fantasy of having a family that was all together. There was always that nagging feeling, but I was pushing it away.

WH was home for 18 months before I finally knew I just couldn't do it. Hanging in there for the kids was not worth it. I had no desire to have a conversation with him and I couldn't even look him in the eyes. Sex with him made me feel ill and really it boiled down to, I just had NO respect for him at all anymore. I fantasized about D all of the time.

Since he left, I have felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I smile again in my house and I feel at peace, despite the stresses that remain. Every time he comes over to see the kids it just further convinces me. I don't feel happy to see him and I just feel irriated the whole time he is here - like I can't wait for him to leave again. I have also gotten to the point where I just don't have the desire to argue or fight back. When he sends those passive agressive texts where he is trying to engage me, I have no desire to respond. NC is just really easy now - I don't really even have to try anymore. I guess that's also how I really "know"

I never wanted one. But there was no way I was going to put up with lying and cheating.

A few days after DDay... he started sharing more details, and that was it for me. I knew that I was done. An uncertain future without him seemed like paradise when compared to a suffocating, paranoid, and rage-filled future with him (which is exactly how I would have felt). Fortunately, I was right; I'm glad I decided right away and have never regretted that decision.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:11 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

I knew we were heading for divorce on D-day when he kept saying that he couldn't go to IC...it would be too hard for him. I was in denial for a few days but when he was still saying the same thing and that he just didn't know how to come back, I got pissed and said, "Fine. We are getting divorced."

I never wanted the damn D, but I also never wanted to be married to a serial adulterer, either.

There was a 3 year S, where I naively thought that XH would turn into a decent H. He didn't, I pushed the D (that he claimed he wanted) through.

It's not what I wanted, but I felt like an asshole even thinking he'd turn into a decent person.

In retrospect, wish that I'd have filed myself at the 6 month mark. Even if it had worked out the same, I'd have spared myself 3 years of limbo.

After I experienced 5 ddays and 5 false R's I knew I could not longer look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that everything was going to work out for the best with my WH. I was so unhappy with MYSELF for allowing myself to be mistreated and disrespected. I was NOT happy anymore. I couldn't fake happiness for myself anymore!

I don't usually make any drastic moves until I'm absolutely sure about my decision.

We have been through a lot, but in the past 4 months he was formally as diagnosed as bipolar, we found out he's sterile (I've always wanted kids), and he was out with OW on the night of our anniversary (he had been seeing her before that). This was our second Dday.

There was just no hope for me in the R anymore. Looking ahead, the only thing I could see was a never ending roller coaster of pain and drama. I decided to D as the second Dday was unfolding on the night of our anniversary. Sometimes I wonder if the second Dday was the excuse I had been waiting for.

I never wanted a divorce. I asked him to leave because of his non A related lies,(3 years post DD) four months later he said he wanted to divorce. He then proceeded with the divorce over the next year, it dragged on and on and cost a fortune, it was not a priority, his work came first. All the time I thought he still was not sure and he would change his mind. His
reason for the divorce?
I was not nice to him and he didn't like
talking about our relationship. He did me a favour of course, otherwise I would still be in a very unhappy marriage with an emotional cripple