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Struggling Today....

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IGaveItMyAll posted 6/11/2013 17:04 PM

The Bad:

My W and kids are out of town. I am left with my own thoughts for the next couple days. Sucks!!! I am working on acceptance. Our MC said I have to learn to accept that it "Just Happened." There is nothing either of us can do to change it. I got pissed. I told him "NO she chose that. It didn't "Just Happen" aparently I missed his point. ACCEPTANCE... Thats a hard one. He also brought up to me that I am trying to control my WW's therapy. That it people cope and heal differently. What works for me may not work for her. I also hit alot of emotions from my childhood that day. My dads infidelity and how it left me as a child feeling abandoned and alone and how this brought all those emotions up. All the feeling of my safty and security being ripped away. On top of that I am begining to think I am co-dependant so yeah another thing for me to work on. I told our MC that I want to see her working on herself. Reading books, journaling and figuring out WHY she did all this. To figure out herself and what makes her happy. He told me to look at her actions. What do those tell you. ARGH!! Maybe I am just trying to force all this shit. So YEP!!! That was my week and last night I got mind movies again. GREAT.

The Good:
Last week at MC we both broke down to our raw honest emotions. We talked about our blocks in our intimacy and that has been getting ALOT better. We had a really fun date night at a theme park just the 2 of us. For the first time in 4 years we combined our finances and have been working on it together without fighting. I get a couple days to myself away from her and the kids to do whatever I want to do.

So yep I am struggling today. Typical got the good and the Bad. (Thanks for the Vent)

1985 posted 6/11/2013 17:34 PM

Try to think of it this way.
ACCEPTANCE does not mean that you agree it is ok. It does not mean that you agree it was no big deal. It does not mean that you have to sweep it under the rug.
Acceptance simply means that you have to come to the understanding, as the counselor said, that it happened and that wishing it hadn't won't make it go away. It means you have to come to terms with the fact that it happened and your life has changed significantly as a consequence. Ad that you have to choose to let your life, and happiness, be controlled by the fact of the A OR choose to control your life and happiness yourself.
Not saying it is easy to get past the fact of the A with its mind movies and anguish; it is harder than anything you have ever done in your life. And it takes a lot of time along with hard work.
But I think your counselor was trying to tell you that you have to make the decision to move forward - hard as that is at the moment- rather than focussing on what has happened.
I hope you can get to that point and begin finding peace.

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/11/2013 17:54 PM

Thanks 1985. That is exactly what he is getting at. Its sucks I have weeks go by that I really am accepting that this is my life and I won't be a victim. I vow to live a happy life. Then Blam I get sucked back in. Its all in my head I know. I am alot harder on myself than I need to be. Mind movies I hadn't had them in a while. Maybe my wife being gone triggered them. I have been working really hard on myslef. I really appreciate the advice. I always like your comments. I too hope to find peace in my soul through all this.

Rebreather posted 6/11/2013 17:56 PM

I totally agree with 1985. What I've learned it acceptance comes in waves. Sometimes you have to white knuckle through it, others I just give in, get pissed, and get over it.

Question: is your wife doing the things you need re: books, introspection, etc?

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/11/2013 18:26 PM

As far as what my W is doing: She is going to IC. She read 5 Love Languages with me (At my request). I asked her to work on our intimacy and she has been doing her own work on that. Learning to let go of marital issues Pre A that made her pull away with intimacy. She bought a book on intimacy that our MC suggested. We are going to read it together. She does alot more around the house. She takes time out of her day to reflect on her life and choices she made. She talks openly with me and really tries to understand me. She is remorseful for what she did. For the first time she opens up to me about her insecurities and is begining to recognize where many of her issues stem from. We go to MC together. She goes out of her way to book babysitters for our MC and Date nights. Her whole mindset and way she deals with frustration has completely changed. She is very much a better person honestly.

So yeah she is doing a lot when I really think about it. There are a few things that I would like more of but they are things I can't force. They have to come within herself. (i.e. more passion in our life, stronger intimacy, deeper connection) BUT we are on the same page as to wanting that. So I guess we are on the journey to creating it. I need to learn to not get caught up in the past and think about the future too much. I really need to work on enjoying the now.

[This message edited by IGaveItMyAll at 6:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

UKlady posted 6/12/2013 07:21 AM

IGaveItMyAll - boy I hear you!!!


I need to learn to not get caught up in the past and think about the future too much. I really need to work on enjoying the now.

is right where I am too and isn't it bloody hard? I'm like you in that I keep wandering back to the A - I picture it in my mind, over and over - the act, my mind movies are awful but I do have an enormously remorseful WH who is doing everything in his power to fix himself, help me recover and improve our marriage. Sometimes on these forums I find myself writing quite wise words - it's just a shame I can't alway follow my own advice! I'm going to be thinking about what you've said here as well.

I wish you continuing strength ((GaveItMyAll))

2married2quit posted 6/12/2013 10:15 AM

IGaveItMyAll - I feel you. But don't be so hard on your attachment to her (or co-dependency). You having anxiety is normal. Trust me, I revisited a LOT of childhood things with this. Abandonment is the worse. Yes, my father cheated on my mother too and I saw how much my mother hurt. And here I am now in her shoes.

I too don't see my W doing much of the work. I'm the one researching, taking notes, reading, writing..etc. But then again, she's a broken person now. Broken to the point of exhaustion.

Accepting isn't easy. It took me like 5 months after the last bit of details and no Contact. Before that I was a nutt case. I still get the mind movies and pain. Adultery is not fun. As much as the world paints it to be as fun and like a cruise, it is NOT!

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