IGaveItMyAll - I feel you. But don't be so hard on your attachment to her (or co-dependency). You having anxiety is normal. Trust me, I revisited a LOT of childhood things with this. Abandonment is the worse. Yes, my father cheated on my mother too and I saw how much my mother hurt. And here I am now in her shoes.
I too don't see my W doing much of the work. I'm the one researching, taking notes, reading, writing..etc. But then again, she's a broken person now. Broken to the point of exhaustion.
Accepting isn't easy. It took me like 5 months after the last bit of details and no Contact. Before that I was a nutt case. I still get the mind movies and pain. Adultery is not fun. As much as the world paints it to be as fun and like a cruise, it is NOT!