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Had an initial phone conversation with a prospective head-shrinker, and she indicated we should address my infidelity first, to "get my marriage stable so I have a support system," or something to that effect.

I'm going to address my damage, regardless of our R outcome. This is my mess; BH may choose to offer his support, or not.

So her statement made me a little uneasy. Am I overreacting?

I do plan to "therapist shop" a little, and have an appt. with a different one on Thursday. She includes EFT in her practice, which some people say is effective for unresolved childhood trauma...and others deride as quackery.

Any general advice on choosing a therapist would be most appreciated.

Therapists are a microcosm of the rest of us, 20. The therapist who graduated at the bottom of his or her class is still a qualified therapist.

Therapists are primarily trained to listen. Some even are trained NOT to offer advice (like Cognitive Therapy specialists, who are trained to basically let you talk yourself into a solution).

You need to find a therapist you can get along with and who seems helpful to you. If you visit someone for a few sessions and either don't feel challenged, or feel like you're not making headway, or even if you just don't feel comfortable with the person: pick someone different!

Do your research. Some medical insurances offer a listing of highly-referred therapists. You might even find references like Angie's List, Yelp, or other social-type media to be helpful.

Also, ask questions of your therapist choices themselves. I've never met a therapist who didn't want to make sure you were completely satisfied with your visit.

Trust your gut. More money doesn't mean better counseling.

I think you should direct the counseling. You have a goal, you let that goal be known, and the C should help you get there. I'm not sure what would be meant/intended by the stable M/support system equation...

One thing...my BW found information on my first IC which I'm sure that first IC would not want her clients to know about. Look into court documents if available. Might put things in perspective as far as your C is concerned...

I went and saw 3 C's for the first month until I decided which one was best for me. It was hard keeping the narrative straight since I was having 2-3 appointments a week sometimes, but the extra time, effort, and expense was well worth it.

You have to feel comfortable with them, and be able to tell them everything and anything. They become your first support system.

I don't understand the stable M/support system. I personally don't think your BH should be your first line of support at this point. I think it might be a little too much to ask of him at this point.

I think this early in your timeline that your BW needs to work through his process with his support network, and you yours. IMO.

Thanks all. Bax: I'm so cyber-stalking the Cs, thanks for the tip!

I will be clear with the Cs that I want to focus on the mechanical problems, not the crash.

So you want to focus on the "problems in the marriage" first, not the affair?

I think that is like talking about termites when the house is on fire.

Or perhaps you mean you want to focus on your personal issues that led you to decide it was OK to cheat?

ITIC: the second thing you said. Definitely not the first.

Really glad I decided to start IC, and so wishing I could turn the clock back 6 months and think "Maybe I should consider therapy" instead of escaping to an A.

First session today, obviously way too much mess to cover in 50 minutes, but I like the IC a lot. In part because she mixes words like "asshole" and "bullshit" with "disassociation" and "phenylethylamine." Nice to have some preliminary "official diagnoses" for what is wrong with me, though, after all these years of sorta wondering if I'm a sociopath.

That's great! So glad you walked out feeling positive.