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I feel like I'm doing all the work

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HurtButHoping12 posted 6/11/2013 20:20 PM

We had a setback over the weekend that I posted about - I found text messages where FWH was talking about one of his employees and her "amazing ass" to one of his colleagues/friends who is single. I was PISSED. I was ready to pack up and leave that night, but we talked it out. I'm still really upset about it.

But my FWH went on about how he still has issues with boundaries, and how he basically hasn't been pulling his weight in R. And he hasn't - I read "Not Just Friends" almost 3 months ago, cover to cover. He has been like 71 pages in for 3 months, and hasn't touched it. He isn't a big reader and never has been, but I've noticed how he pretty much gave up on the book.

We haven't been talking as much. He has slipped back into poor boundaries. He never plans date nights for us (the one thing I asked of him)unless it's a birthday or anniversary.

He revealed some issues he has been having at work but didn't tell me because he didn't want to stress me out... but that's not an excuse to flake on our R. The 2nd Antiversary is July 6, less than a month away, and I'm feeling very discouraged and wondering why I am still here and what I am doing.

I don't think he is messing around, but I just feel very let down by him, right now . I'm not sure where to go from here...

AFrayedKnot posted 6/12/2013 06:27 AM

I'm sorry you are struggling. I could have written this post so many times over the past 18 months.

For a while she seems like she gets it. I seem a little more comfortable. She thinks she is getting it. She get comfortable. Them come old behaviors again, the bad boundaries and lies.

We just hit another huge bump in the road this past weekend. Same shit again. But one of the best conversations we have ever had came out of it. She didn't get it and she admitted it and she asked for help.

The comment that bothers me most is:

We haven't been talking as much.

Keep communicating. He might really want to get it but doesnt know how.

SecondHelping posted 6/12/2013 07:22 AM

Yes my fWW is just like yours. Great for a short time, then relaxes. We also had a boundary broken a couple of weeks ago. Same excuse...she thought "it would bother me" so she didn't tell me.

First, don't break the boundaries! Then you don't have to tell me. If you do, tell me right away...before I find out.

Sometimes, I feel that WS's don't know how deep the bad behavior them it's 'their' normal and when we let our guard down, then revert to their normal state. I hate being the moral police. We both should police ourselves.

painpaingoaway posted 6/12/2013 07:30 AM

"amazing ass"
I think you are married to an "amazing ass".
His comment was totally inappropriate.

He has slipped back into poor boundaries
. Completely unacceptable for R.

What is he doing to address these issues?

karmahappens posted 6/12/2013 07:36 AM

He may not be messing around, but his texting about a woman's ass shows you he has a wayward mentality.

What have you done to heal yourself through this? Are you in IC? Have you taken any steps to make yourself stronger ? To detach from him and rely on you?

That is what you need to do, IMO.

Drop the heavy boxes and let him know he needs to pick them up and start doing some heavy lifting.

Get your thoughts together and find out what you want for R. If you can't talk about it put it in a list and give it to him.

Set your dealbreakers and stand firm.You have to be ready to let him walk in order to save your marriage.

You should be driving this bus, not him.

Take back your control, be a strong woman that is able to depend on herself and knows that her value is not defined by a marriage or her husband.

A few of us have bitch boots, borrow some, and try them out. You are fighting for your family, demand he stand up and fight beside you.


HurtButHoping12 posted 6/12/2013 10:35 AM

We aren't in counseling and haven't been. It's been out of our price range, as we have no health insurance and live paycheck to paycheck with little room to wiggle. But I think it's time to figure out how to afford it.

We had a big blow out over the weekend, and since then, it's like nothing ever happened. That's how it always is... we argue, and then it's back to the same old same old.

I guess I'm just tired of being the one "driving the bus", so to speak. Sometimes I feel like I have to drag him through this mess, and it just should not be that way. We've had 2 slip-ups of boundaries issues in the last 6 months. I don't know if he is taking this seriously anymore.

We have 3 kids, 2 that are old enough to be aware when we are fighting/sense something is wrong. I'm so scared of screwing them up! Its hard to balance between keeping them in the dark about everything that has happened, and dealing with him. I'm so tired.

I feel like we have plateaued and are at a stand-still right now. He doesn't get that doing chores around the house for me, doesn't fix this. That seems to be his go-to remedy for "oops, I fucked up again".

The other day, when I found that text message, I bawled my eyes out, and for the first time ever, I punched FWH. Right in the head! It didn't hurt him because I'm a wimp and I'm a lot smaller than him, but I was appalled at myself. I've never ever hit someone like that!

And then I just felt this overwhelming sense of DONE. I was calm, and I really just wanted him gone. I was going to leave with the kids and go somewhere just to get away, but then my son started bawling because he wanted Daddy to come too, and then FWH started bawling right along with him.

I just feel so stuck. And I'm tired of being the one always picking up the pieces and dusting everyone else off and getting us back on track. I'm not the one who cheated, I'm not the one who lied! I have always been faithful to my husband... I always think of him first, even before the kids. And I can't seem to get the same in return and it infuriates me. I'm tired of giving my all and not getting much back in return

I'm so lost, ugh.

PinkJeepLady posted 6/12/2013 11:01 AM

Yeah, hate that "I feel like I am doing all the work", I hear you loud and clear!
I just wanted to comment on you feeling "DONE", I felt the same way, I don't know that it necessarily means D, but just that I was "DONE". I was obsessed with the word that I sat down in the spare room and made a collage with magazine cut outs on canvas board. It has all kinds of images and words, but spelled out across the entire board is the word "DONE". It came out kind of cool looking, hadn't made a collage since the 70's! I felt compelled to do it and am glad I did. Interestingly, the word "done" has different meanings for me on different days. Some days it is "done" with questioning WH about the details, or "done" with crying (for the moment), "done" with feeling bad about my self image, "done" with H in general. Just interesting, you might want to play around with the meaning...
I know what you mean about feeling out of character for punching FWH, I am not a violent person either, but one night a good old fashioned slap just came right out of me onto WH's unsuspecting face! I was more shocked than he was! He said he felt he deserved it, I had to agree.
My MC one time said she thought I would have to keep "driving the bus" for just a little longer, but come one! It seems like such a burden doesn't it?
Just wanted you to know I hear you and understand your frustration!
I know you don't want your kids to grow up in a stressed environment, it's so hard! I don't have any answers, just support!
Take care,

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/12/2013 11:08 AM

Thanks, PinkJeepLady!

Yeah, almost 2 years of driving the bus is getting super old.

I'm not quite sure what my definition of my feeling of DONE is, quite yet.

m334455 posted 6/12/2013 15:37 PM

The farther I get from Dday, whenever I hear stuff like this I just think, get out. There are a lot of fish in the sea. Sometimes you can't financially afford to break up a marriage right away, but you can certainly check out / 180 and save some cash.

He's treating you like a second rate option. Tell him he's welcome to some "amazing ass" because you no longer (a) want him or (b) consider your "marriage" anything other than an open relationship.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/12/2013 18:43 PM

I wish I could just get out. It's hard. I'm a stay at home mom, no degree, 3 kids. I've been out of the working world for 7 years. And I'm so afraid of how this would affect my kids. I have a lot to think about, that's for sure...

crazyblindsided posted 6/12/2013 18:48 PM

I found text messages where FWH was talking about one of his employees and her "amazing ass" to one of his colleagues/friends who is single.

Maybe you can let your WH know that the gentleman you saw today (could be anywhere mall, gas station)had a REALLY amazing ass and now you can relate so much more to his comment now

My WH used to use the same type of language to describe the parts he liked on the opposite sex. I don't allow any room for any amount of stupidity anymore. My WH knows I am DONE f*cking around. Maybe yours needs a wake-up call too.

Sorry (((HurtButHoping12))) I know how you feel. Take your power back and 180 for you!!!

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/12/2013 19:19 PM

Maybe it is time to 180. I'm not even sure how to go about it while we are living together, at DDay he moved out before I could even do anything, and I hadn't discovered this site yet :(

Beautifulmom posted 6/12/2013 21:00 PM

I'm in the same placeas you!!! Right down to "not just friends" he hasn't read and the unacceptable behavior - while not technically cheating. I feel like I have talked, cried, read, written letters, screamed....all falling on deaf ears. Hes been nice, and a whole lot better of a husband then in the last few years - but no matter what I do or say he just doesn't get what
I need him to do. I agree with secondhelping, I don't think our FWSs realize how deep they have hurt us. For them, the time they cheated is straightforward. They look back and see the period of time as it was. For us, we feel like we have been on another planet now that we know. What we saw wasn't really there. So we cant just keep on going like everything is ok when we cant be sure there is ground under our feet. And they keep on acting the way they did before.
what do we do to get through to them? How long do we try? Hoe long until we just resign ourselves to the lonely worlds of settling or being done?

Knowing posted 6/13/2013 07:00 AM

If I were you I'd seriously consider taking this time to get a degree or some other training that, should you find yourself at a dead end in R, would give you some confidence about proceeding with S/D. If you are already living paycheck-to-paycheck it doesn't sound like this SAHM thing is working that well.

I get wanting to be a SAHM, but sometimes life circumstances change. A degree or career training could be your insurance right now. It's better to have options, in fact, it's empowering.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/13/2013 07:47 AM

It's not so easy to do that, I have 3 kids and only 1 is in school. Daycare rates are really high, and I'm already carrying $50k in debt from student loans, which I'm currently paying off. I'd rather not add to that at this point.

It's not about wanting to be a SAHM, its that this made more financial sense for us.

I do have a trade that I've been taught that I can fall back on, if anything. Idk, I'm mulling over my options.

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