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belle2013 posted 6/11/2013 21:04 PM

I feel like an idiot. A desperate woman who can't live without a man who keeps breaking her trust. Dday #3 was a week ago today. My WH has a seeming addiction to inappropriate electronic relationships with other women, both over the internet and through text. I've caught him 2 previous times. The first, he had left his cell phone at home while he was out doing something, and it turned out to be a woman he had met on facebook and was texting. I was devastated. I cried, he cried, he blamed it on us growing apart because of work (he worked nights, I worked days). I gave him an ultimatum, he cut contact with the woman. I felt relieved it was never physical, but I was still disturbed by his need to connect with someone other than him. But, things seemed to get way better. Maybe a year later, I caught him again. This time, I noticed how distant he seemed, how involved in his phone he was getting. I noticed that he was not answering calls every now and then. I followed my suspicions, and low and behold, it was happening again. This time, he had reconnected via facebook with an ex-girlfriend that lived out of state. The messages were all there in black and white, with even more in his text messages, and phone calls to and from her on his phone record. Even worse, his messages alluded to him being "deprived" and that he loved me but "needed it more than once a month." She was moving to the state next to us, a mere 5 hour drive, a fact they had discussed. I decided to through his email and found yahoo chat messages where he had attempted to contact webcam girls in chat rooms, all saying how much I wasn't fulfilling his physical needs. This time, my ultimatum included counseling for him, access to all of his accounts and records, a no chat rooms or webcams agreement. Things got better. He changed jobs, our schedules actually came together and we were seeing more of eachother. We were seemed physically and emotionally synched and all was well. I would occasionally peek at his email, phone messages, facebook account and internet history, but never found anything wrong. If he had a new facebook friend that was female, I'd ask about her and he always had an explanation about her being related, or work with her, or married to someone. He stopped seeing his therapist. All seemed great.

Then Tuesday night. I got a facebook message from some woman I didn't know from the other side of the country. It was extremely cryptic, but obvious in its message, "Better YOU than ME. Good luck with that MAN of yours." I immediately looked at my WH and asked who she was and why I was getting rude messages from her. He denied having any idea why she messaged me, it must be a mistake, she's a welder that is facebook friends with so and so, she friended me, I've never talked to her... And I told him, I'm asking her who she is, and she will tell me. Do you want to confess and tell me or do you want her to. He broke down, told me "it's more of the same."

I blew up. AGAIN! I went through his phone. He deleted all traces. Except his internet browser on his phone. He had been on chat hook up sites again, the "guaranteed to hook up locally" sites.

This time, I decided I was done. We are divorcing. But I've caved again. I don't want to put my kids through another divorce, and as weak as it makes me feel, I love him. I have to be contributing to this somehow, if not just the fact that I've enabled it to keep happening by sweeping everything under the rug and not holding him accountable to his promises.

He says he doesn't know why he's doing it. He says he's happy. We have sex- great sex. Maybe not as often as when we first met, but at least every couple weeks. Why am I not enough?

We're going to a counselor next week. I feel like such a failure. I love him. This has to stop. What am I doing? Am I a complete and hopeless idiot? Help me

Marley76 posted 6/11/2013 21:21 PM

You are not an idiot. Love makes us do foolish things. It is a true sentiment and as old as time. I too turned a blind eye to red flags out of love and also because breaking up our family is the last thing I wanted to do. I am leaving now because I cannot love someone so full of lies however you need to do what is in your heart. Counseling is a good first step to get to the underlying issues and reasons for his behaviors. I pray for you and send love, light, and understanding your way. Be strong and listen to your intuition. <3

mepe27 posted 6/12/2013 10:00 AM

Ugh, A's are so complicated, it's never an easy "just leave" like so many people ( not involved ) will say.

I am absolutely certain it has nothing to do with you, how much sex you have, or your connection, this is his issue, his possibly addiction.
I think you have to look at it realistically this is something he's probably going to continue to do, perhaps finding a sex addiction therapist will help him I don't believe he actually has to be having sex to be an addict, it could be the excitement of it he's addicted to.

Knowing that this could be an ongoing issue can help prepare yourself for how to cope. I had thought about this at one point, could I stick it out knowing he was probably lying to me about himself, how would I do that? I had thought about distancing myself emotionally, finding support outside of the marriage with friends and family. I'd need to protect myself from potential std's I had sort of thought of it as living with my best friend as a roomate. I'm not saying this is what has to happen for you but unless something drastically different happens with a new type of therapy, my guess is it will continue. Just the fact that he said "it's more of the same" it sounded so defeated, like he feels out of control, even he doesn't seem to know why he can't stop himself.

But please don't for a second think this is anything you can make him stop doing by doing anything more. This is his issue, he may want to blame you b/c then he doesn't have to do any work to change, he can just sit back and wait until he suddenly doesn't feel the urge, which won't happen if he does nothing.
And it's probably going to be something he has to work on for the rest of his life, like an alcoholic, there is always temptation and he'll need to learn how to cope with life without his fix.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

putonahappyface posted 6/12/2013 10:22 AM

I agree - this certainly sounds like an addiction. My WH is addicted to porn, now 200+ days sober. He can beat this, but he has to 100% want to be a better man & be willing to do the hard work.

In I Can Relate, there is a thread for Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts. One of the first posts has lots of valuable info in this, including the site where you can find the nearest CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). I highly recommend he be evaluated by a certified therapist. If they determine he is SA, he'll want to find a 12 step group.

Sex addicts are sick people, not bad people. I know this is so hard, & I'm sorry. You need to be prepared for more. You should also schedule a full panel of std tests, for both of you (his results mailed to you). This is such a traumatic discovery. IC for you would be very helpful. Just be very good to yourself, set your boundaries & be prepared to enforce them. Sending you a hug & a prayer.

altehpwn posted 6/12/2013 11:23 AM

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can completely relate to wondering why you stay. I'm in the same boat. I don't want to break up my kid's family. Isn't wonderful that they get to do what they want and we're left with the decision of whether or not our kids have a family ? Don't think of yourself as weak for staying. It isn't a decision to make lightly. You aren't wrong for staying. I too will be thinking about you and sending warmth and prayers.

confused615 posted 6/12/2013 11:33 AM

You need to be tested for STD's. The chances that you know everything are very,very slim. And if he was trolling local hook-up sites,he most likely has hooked up. I know..he will swear he hasn't...probably swear on the lives of your children..blah..blah..blah. They all lie. They all minimize.

Get tested. And do not have sex with him until he has been tested..full panel..and the doctor sends YOU the results of the tests.

Im so sorry. I think you only know the tip of the iceburg.

belle2013 posted 6/12/2013 20:21 PM

Thank you all for your comfort. I needed to talk to someone who could relate, instead of just hearing "oh, I'd leave him." Logically, I know I should, but I meant it when I said I do, and I don't want our marriage to fail. Part of me knows that I'm qualifying his betrayal as less than what it is because there was not touching, so he says. But it isn't any better, even if he is telling the truth. Altough, I'm really questioning how much of the story I know. It feels like another gut punch just thinking about there being more to the story, but I doneed to prepare myself for the worst, and protect myself. I am insisting on the STD test, and I'm asking more and more questions. He still insists he's spilled his guts, but my gut tells me otherwise. How do I help him come clean? Do I take a step back and wait for the therapist's help? God, do I really, really need to know more?

BW(me)- 33
WH- 34
kids- 9, 7
M- 2011
most recent d-day- 6/4/2013
EA x3 via chat/text/phone, lots of online porn and hook up chat sites in browser
don't want to fail

[This message edited by belle2013 at 8:24 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 6/12/2013 20:49 PM

God, do I really, really need to know more?

Yes. You need to know the truth.

A marriage that is only being treated like a marriage by one person is a miserable existence. Your WH needs to be on board and doing his part also.

Always, always, your gut. Always. If your WH insists that he's told you the truth but you still have niggling doubts, then schedule a polygraph for him to take. And make him take it...even if he dribble-drops some little bits of additional truth here and there.

Belle, you are NOT a failure. Your WH has issues and those issues have nothing to do with you.

nowiknow23 posted 6/12/2013 21:07 PM

Why am I not enough?

Belle - stop that thinking right now. His actions - his choices - have NOTHING to do with you.

I know you don't believe that, but it's true. Read it again:
His actions and choices have NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. They are 100%, completely and totally on him.

There's not ONE thing you could have done to prevent his actions. Not one! Please don't take on what is his to own.


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