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rachelc posted 6/11/2013 22:20 PM

.... I don't even know where to post this.
I asked him a question during breakfast this morning about why he didn't turn towards me during his affairs. I should have asked it after work and asked what I really wanted to know, if he will turn toward me now if something uncomfortable comes up....he answers "the same reason you did it."
Then he gets really upset and says how unhappy he is and should we split up or separate. I end up crying and he goes off to work.

I apologize for asking a question before work and he apologizes too.
When he gets home I told him what I wish I would have asked and he says he didn't tell about his affairs because he didn't want to. I ask did he want it to continue or did he not want to hurt me. He said there you go. I answer a question and you ask two more. I said these questions are important to me....

Then he tells me he is so mad at work he wants to text our kids to tell them to not bother us, we're having marital problems, he runs two red lights going to work and he follows a truck just like OM has, and would have killed him if it had been him.
I said wow, all that from a Mis-timed question?

He said every time I ask a question he feels like he's being punished. I said I'm going to occasionally need to ask questions, and they may be the same ones over again.
I ask what should I do? He says I am in denial, in the fog and unstable, we both are. He wants me to file a civil suit against the guy who raped me and nail him to the wall. I'm not sure I will do this. I probably won't because ive had enough trauma in my life and iit would only be because HE wants justice. But I'm talking to a lawyer Friday....he is willing to spend whatever it takes to do this....

I take offense to this badgering crap but I say as far as answering questions, as a former wayward, I will gladly do this for the rest of my life.....
He has two questions for me- where did I park my car when I went to OM's house - I tell him I park at the park and walk over... He says sneaky. Then he asks how the oM convinced me to come over and I say I thought we were just going to spend time together. He says how gullible I am. Yes, I used to be gullible..., I answer.

He is livid. I leave for a while and then he says hes sleeping in the other room because he's never felt more distant from me in his life and he will be tossing and turning all night.....

I have no idea how one question could set him off so much. Anyone else?

forgivingnow posted 6/11/2013 22:43 PM

Want you to know you are heard. It sounds like a lot of anger behind a couple ?'s.
I hope you can get to the point of holding on tighter to each other when things are so difficult. Would making a list or talking about your needs help?...I need you to answer my ?'s, to hold my hand, to tell me about your day, to listen to me, to help in the kitchen, to be intimate, to listen and say what you are grateful for???
Hang in there.

rachelc posted 6/12/2013 05:55 AM

yeah, I can make a list and bring things up at a more appropriate time.
He is still very angry about everything, obviously. I know it's his shit to fix.

Faithful w/Love posted 6/12/2013 08:13 AM

Sorry hon,
I get the same stuff when I ask at anytime.

It is almost like we need to ask these questions but they get so mad to answer them. Do you get scared to ask? Like does your heart start to pound because you know that this could led to a huge fight and him more distant and withdrawn? It happens to me also.

But on the other hand, they can make snid remarks and ask whatever questions they want and we always answer them. I didn't have an A but 17 yrs ago I had a ons while he was cheating. We were together maybe a 1 or 2 at the time. He holds what I did over my head and now says I had an A because of it. We were not married and kids at the time. I never cheated sense because of the guilt and digust for myself. But, to this day 17 yrs later he holds it over me and still asks questions. Nevermind the fact that he was cheating at the time. And never mind that he had an 3.5 yr A while MARRIED.

I understand what you are going through. And now we are seperated trying to R (I think) but it still comes up when I start to ask questions.

I hear you and big hugs to you. Also, you are not the reason he is so mad nor is your question. He doesn't want to answer them and it puts pressure on him.

sisoon posted 6/12/2013 14:40 PM

All of the following is JMO, based on what I remember of 2 years of posts, so take it with several grains of salt. Also, your IC knows you and your sitch better than I do, and she sounds pretty good, so give her a lot more weight than you give my words.

IMO, you've thrashed around some, but you've always aimed at healing yourself and your M. OTOH, everything you've written about your H could be said of a person who is stuck at D-Day - his and yours. I have great sympathy for you both, but I can't get away from 2 'facts': 1) your H is the only one who can heal himself; and 2) R takes 2; you can't do it alone.

In other words, IMO, your M is doomed unless your H accepts his pain as a BH and his responsibility as a WH. Until he deals with his issues, he's going to be unbearable. It sounds like he's beating you up verbally and emotionally for cheating, and that will only do further damage to both of you, although it may relieve some pressure for him for a short period. I know you're a WS as well as a BS, but you don't deserve getting beaten up without end. (Some venting is normal, but the sooner it ends, the better for the both sides.

Have you considered doing a partial (or full?) 180? ID your requirements, lay them out to your H, and let him respond.

Have you considered a joint session with your IC?

My guess is that your H doesn't feel safe with his feelings about cheating and being cheated on - but he's got to take some risks to heal, and nobody can do that for him. We've got to cross that lonesome valley for ourselves.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:45 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

rachelc posted 6/12/2013 16:08 PM

He would love it if I did the 180. No affair talk....

tushnurse posted 6/12/2013 16:22 PM

Sweetie real R doesn't look like anger, and blame when the BS asks the WS questions. Until he accepts responsibility for what he did you really can't R.

You are doing a lot of hard work, and he doesn't seem to be doing any. I would strongly recommend 180. Yah he will be happy there aren't any questions, but that will rapidly change when you are indifferent to everything he says and does.

((((and strength))))

sisoon posted 6/12/2013 16:58 PM

And the 180 is for you.

As gently as I can say it with crystal clarity:

In My Opinion, your H is a lost cause unless and until he addresses his own issues.

You're hurting yourself without helping him if you depend on him now for support in recovering from infidelity.

By focusing on your own work (i.e. 180), you may just be the catalyst that makes him see that working on himself is the way to a good life with you.

Somebody closer to you IRL may have a different, more optimistic, view.

crazyblindsided posted 6/12/2013 17:25 PM

but that will rapidly change when you are indifferent to everything he says and does.

^^^This^^^ 100% I am starting to get this through the 180. I have a similar dynamic in that I will answer ANY question he has about my RA, but he gets defensive if the prodding goes on past 2 or 3 questions. The only thing i can think of is they either do it because of shame, they are afraid to get in trouble (FOO issues), or the question is on the money and it makes WS's uncomfortable.

I'm sorry (((rachelc))) there is nothing easy about R nothing easy at all.

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