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Newest Member: Foolfernobody (61825)

User Topic: answers after divorce
♂ 39410
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D-Day was May 25, only 17 hellishly long days ago but WW moved out one day after DDay and we have barely talked since. Not knowing any details is driving me crazy but when I read all of the posts about people reconciling and still obsessing about details and triggering, months or years later, even when the R is going good, I don't know which is worse. Going through years of torment or just ending it and never getting answers.

I'm not suggesting that I try to R just to find out the details but do any of you that chose D ever get then answers you are seeking and if not, how hard is that, or can you just let it go and move on?

I just can't imagine ever trusting my WW again, nothing will ever be the same. All I think about is D (and all of the mental movies) but I don't want to rush into something given my current emotional turmoil.

Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


That's wise taking a step back and not making any huge decisions right now.

I got very few answers from my XH. I found some stuff out on my own, some from others and the other 80% is unknown and unknowable. Now I just can't expend any more energy on caring.

It gets better, even if you go the D route.

Me: fBW/MH 40s
3.26.13: Liberation day: D'd the whiny turd after being saddled with a serial cheating, NPD, jitbag 10 years too long
Now: happy in life, happily in love with the RIGHT man -----> Everything is as it should be

Posts: 940 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: The Hostile City
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only answers I have are those I discovered for myself. Ultimately I had to accept my decision to divorce and fully own it as my life choice. Since I know STBX is a pathological liar, since he's never been remorseful, since he continues to deny what I have photographic evidence of, there's no use trying to get answers or "closure" from him. Any additional information he might provide would be suspect, anyway.

It is so hard to accept that you are going to get divorced. It's such an ugly process, such an ugly reality. Sometimes we want to believe that if we only had a full explanation, then maybe that would help us have an easier time, or maybe we might even find a way to stop it. It's a part of the grief process, though. I think it's part of the bargaining and denial phases.

But really, once the divorce train started rolling for me and I was aboard? There was no stopping it. No answers would stop it, nothing was going to derail it. I was going to get divorced and that was that.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♂ 35778
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DidIKnow: it's a shitty ride you're on brother but if it helps, I went through the exact same thing. She left the day of DDay and we've barely ever talked since. Now I'm just over a year out. I've learned some (people coming out of woodwork to volunteer stuff) but I can truly tell you I'm at the point I don't even care anymore...I mean that. If she were to see me today and tell me she'll be an open book and answer anything, I can't even think of 1 question anymore that I want to know the answer to. In my mind she threw it all away, put herself before the kids and I, and affected a lot of people (broke up another M and family) so that tells me everything I need to know.

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at it this way: we might not ever know it all (I don't), but do we know ENOUGH to make an informed decision? I certainly knew enough, and as time has passed and my ex continues to be as difficult as possible, I know it was the right decision.

If you know enough to be comfortable making a decision one way or another, that is key. Certainly for any lasting reconciliation to occur, your WW would need to commit to honesty and transparency, which means she needs to commit to answering your questions truthfully and completely. Don't settle for anything less.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 31338 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discovered who she was, where she lived, age... before I confronted. No relationship details, except one: he had already cheated on her. X moved out on Dday.

Later, when he wanted to R, I would learn the A's went back to the beginning. (I put that together too, when I realized the similarity of the treatment I received early in the marriage and his recent A.) When he finally admitted it, I asked how many and who. I didn't ask for nor did I receive details.

The damage done for me was the deception, the lies, the nasty fights created to get me off track... the fact that the A's started so early in the M. The reality was that he wasn't who he presented himself to be from the beginning - he never was the person I thought I'd married.

I've never had mind movies, never particularly obsessed over the OW's. They were available, they flattered his ego, he used them. He took the kibbles and destroyed our family when it was just starting. That's all I needed to know.

4.5 years out from Dday and now D'd - I still don't care to know nor do I wonder about the OW or the details. No regrets on that count.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I knew of their A was from about 5 text messages that I read.
I wondered for some time after...obsessed about it a little bit. My brother found OW aka stripper whore on a 'rate the stripper' website. Yeah. That killed my desire for any further knowledge.

It's been 18 months since D-day and I can honestly say that I don't care to know any details...just incredibly happy to have moved on and to shift the focus from his crazy ass onto my awesome life.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Dday was 12-29-12, but Perv was gone a long time prior to that, trying to simply be separated and have OW and other women and not deal with M or family.

I took a really long time, but had to convince myself it was really over and nothing would fix it. He worked very hard to make sure enough damage was done.

No, I don't know all the details and after so many lies, don't know much what point it would be.

I am glad, DIK, that you are thinking hard and not doing anything quickly, because we cannot undo our words or actions.

When he wanted me to know details from him, they were the sex ones and I refused to hear them. I cannot stand to hear the woman's name or anything about her and now I can't stand to hear about him.

I found for a time that the answers I didn't have were the ones that created obsessive thoughts. Now those thoughts are just kind of part of me, floating in and out but the pain is less intense if they creep in, FWIW.

Now that D is being worked on, I still mourn, and trigger, but I wonder, over what?

In my mind more and more lately, the band aid effect is taking priority over drawing things out, because life is truly fleeting and I would rather be able to live in the now and plan the future for myself and kids than remain in purgatory thinking about a situation that-if still going on-really isn't about me any more.

I hope you get to R for real, if you want to, or if you choose D that it will be smooth and fairly peaceful.

The triggers come and then they go and one thing that helps me, FWIW, is focusing on the trigger and how it related to my life prior to the A or prior to knowing Perv.

I wish you peace.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 37556
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It is still so early in the process for you. Take care of yourself. Try to do something nice for yourself everyday. You are still going through the hardest part.

I don't care about never knowing the details of my stbx's affair (or as he would say,"I am not having an affair, I am having a relationship )
but I still am curious how he spent all that money.

Me BS 55
Him WS 53
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally know enough to know that I know too much..

We had 1 month of false R after D-day in September 2012. I tried to kick him out that day, but he kept coming back telling me that it was and had been over with MOW for months. The trickle truth was absolute hell. He was offering details, and I was learning more, but I think it just hurt me more in the end. We went through his phone for deleted stuff, and I will never be able to unsee the dick and twat pics they shared. I would give ANYTHING to get those images out of my head..

The truth was that he was trying to get us both back at the same time.. He had taken the A underground by using the chat feature on a word game on his phone.. I really wish he had never done the false R. I wish he had just left. I didn't need to know all that crap..

Since your WW left, I would say that you really know enough and all the other details are just daggers in your heart. I learned of some places STBX and MOW went together, some TV shows they enjoyed together, songs they liked, etc., and now those things trigger me. If I just hadn't known, there wouldn't be so many triggers..

I agree to not rush into any major decisions this soon, but since she's gone already, I wouldn't go looking for too many details, especially not from her.. There is not a good answer that will change what you should be doing. You can think about mistakes you might have made in the marriage and what the marriage problems were in general, but the A had NOTHING to do with you. She made an adult decision to lie and deceive you, and no one EVER does ANYTHING to deserve that..

I hope you find some strength. You need to stand tall and proud, and she would have to be seriously remorseful and groveling at your feet to even deserve your ear to listen right now..

Big hugs...

xBW~ 37
Two DS~ 9 and 13

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♂ 39410
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you find some strength. You need to stand tall and proud, and she would have to be seriously remorseful and groveling at your feet to even deserve your ear to listen right now..

Thank You

Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
♀ 39482
Member # 39482
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here and have been dealing with my husbands infidelity for about 17 years. He's a serial cheater.

What kind of answers are you looking for? Answers to the details of the affair or details as to why your spouse was unfaithful?

The first, will destroy you. Simply the nature of making it okay in their mind and what they said or did will do you no good.
The second, doesn't matter. What matters is that instead of working out the issues or problems with their spouse, they chose to turn outside of the relationship and that's a deal breaker.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: CT
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about OW being in my marriage AFTER we filed. I also found out about a bunch of other OW during the course of my 18 year marriage, again AFTER the divorce.

I don't know details. I know some but not enough to trigger me.

What I know still hurt for a long period of time. I could not imagine knowing all the details... That would be too much for me. I have enough information to know that I never mattered to him. That is all I need to know.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out tons of previous unknown shit. Including confirmation of previous affairs. For me it was easier to absorb these betrayals as I had already distanced myself from her. I figure its better to be on the right road when getting that info. I'm sure my heart would have broken all over again if I was in R and found out. Not to mention all of the wasted time and energy that R requires. Hang tough my man.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are still lots of blanks.
I felt robbed of my own history for a long time. I had enough info and answers at the time to know for a fact he was serial cheating.
At this point in time post divorce, I no longer care about digging for answers. I no longer feel resentful for blanks in history.

Do you have enough answers to make your decision? This is a rhetorical question. Your DDay was so recent it is very, very early and you're still emotionally raw. Give yourself lots of time. Sorry you are here.

Posts: 4809 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 15

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