He insists that she did- he thinks that she, in fact, has pointed out that he is the one who, "started it" and the one who continued it. He wasn't correcting my perception but pointing out it might be tempered by my own shame at my actions 4 years ago, which is definitely true as I am absolutely ashamed of it. Of feeling, deep down, that I was to blame somehow, especially since the ONS happened when I was so drunk I could barely remember it (he didn't take advantage). That guy had had feeling for me which my WH (then BF) could see and was worried about but which I genuinely could not. I was so fucked up that whole time- I can't go into details because it would be identifying- but I was grieving a big loss. It wasn't the best time to start a relationship but me and my WH met again and fell back in love and that was part of it- I was so angry he was able to come back into my life and I just fell for him again, and I was already feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable and fully expected him to shatter my heart again. My self esteem was in the shit. I was terrified to commit because I knew, if I did, it was forever. So subconsciously I think I put myself in the position where I tested my own commitment, had one last stand as it were. And I didn't deal with it very well when I told him and afterwards. I totally shut down discussion about it, which now I can see was a huge, huge, huge mistake. The kind of ones WHs make, out of deep shame.
Oddly, we bumped into that guy recently- I didn't recognise him for a minute and my WH said he felt nothing about it. And that guy was innocent. My WH said he hoped in 4 years I'd be able to do the same, but he won't happen. In this case, the OW was a very close friend, so I had the awesome double betrayal. I'll never feel that way towards her.
When she asked him why he slept with his ex, he said because he thought I was going to sleep with mine. He literally could not see how odd that thinking was and she pointed it out, what possible thing would he gain by doing that? That was his, "pass". The pre-emptive strike. He treats sleeping with his ex as pretty much nothing at all as it happened very early. But on some level, I obviously didn't feel that way. (And she hates me, and was violent and cruel, too. I couldn't understand why he was with that trash).
I did dislike her judgmental way of putting things, though. I didn't like the implication that I've spent 4 years since pissing off my WH and dragging him down. And also that there was a, "for tat" coming. Because there isn't. I have been careful to not even be insulting because I feel like our relationship is a body, a wounded body, and the more wounds we make the less chance we have. I don't want to add to the wounds. But I am going to give it a second go and see how we go with her.
Today has actually been a fantastic day. I have barely triggered and my WH has actually been talking about what we discussed yesterday. And, for the first time, he spoke to someone else about what happened (i.e not via me having told them). He even told them we were in counselling and asked their advice. He has cried twice. Not in self pity but in sorrow and remorse and held me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry. He has also said, for the first time, that although he was depressed, there must be a deeper reason. Until this point, he has always maintained that his depression made him do it. It definitely had a hand in it but I have repeatedly said that's not deep enough. And he has acknowledged that during that time, he was very angry at me. He actually *exaggerated* details without thinking, to hurt me. When he told the MC this, she said, "While you were saying this, why weren't you thinking of the effect your words were having on the woman you loved, who you married?" And he couldn't answer. So that's a question.
Thank you so much for insight and advice. UKLady, it is shit, and I hope today goes okay for you and you can refocus your sessions. Sorry I can't quote, on my own.
I'm taking today as a good day, even if tomorrow is shit. Aside from all the serious talk, we've actually relaxed and had some fun today. We both have the next few days off work, too, so that'll be good. He's been very affectionate and I've been relaxed enough to be affectionate back. I feel better after talking my feelings through with my WH. Importantly, when I have shifted blame towards myself, he has shifted it away. I make it clear that I think his A was a choice and one I take no responsibility for, but then start to feel crap about myself, but he agrees it was a choice and not my fault. I hope the MC actually gets back to me, she hasn't replied yet!
Thank you guys, I'll probably be posting more about this as it goes on.
[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:59 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]