She has a psychodynanamic approach so . ts of focus on the past. What we talked about is within our first 2 months, we slept with other people (him his ex first because thought Id sleep with mine, go figure, me a ONS). We weren't officially a couple yet. He was very upset by my sleeping with someone and we ended up focusing on this more than his A. We have a slightly complex history and I'll go into more detail when not on phone.
She said it seemed tit for tat but his A was 4 years later, after we married. On a subconscious level he may have been getting me back but i don't think that excuses anything. She interrupted often and She said we needed to nurture each other instead of stabbing each other in the back which I thought was a very unfair comment. We did resolve our issues, maybe not as fully as we thought, but our relationship after the shaky start was not like that.
I felt like I was being blamed. I'm wondering if Im being oversensitive? He'd like to continue seeing her and he did open up. And she did pull him up on some stuff too. Afterwards we had a drink and some pizza, and it was nice.
What do you think?
I don't really want to lose the momentum and the other MC (humanistic) can only see us mornings and I have to work. Does it sound like Im overreacting?
Your WH is wholly responsible for his poor choices. He needs to be in IC exploring that.
Find a new MC.
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger
The new one my WH met a couple of week's ago to see if we could work with her and she has a more direct involvement (she did explain her philosophies and counselling styles but as I'm the reluctant one to attend here it really just washed over me). However, what we did do was state what we'd had before in MC and how it didn't suit plus we talked a bit about where we were at. Tomorrow we both intend to tell her what we feel we need to focus on and ensure that it stays on track. OK - if something comes out that is necessary to look at then fine.
I feel that you should perhaps give her another go and, on your next visit, ensure that you are straight with her and tell her what it is you feel you need to focus on. I guess that there will be things none of us want to hear in MC but it may be for our own good. If you still feel the focus is wrong or victimised then I would look for someone else.
I wish you luck hobbeskat - it's so shitty that we're in this situation isn't it
First, I call 'Foul!' No commitment means no cheating was possible. I have deep, deep sympathy for your H - I understand how your fling could have upset him - but he needed to grow up a long time ago and realize you were a free agent.
Besides how did he treat his own fling? If his A was an RA for your fling, he must have given himself a pass for his pre-commitment actions. That's total bull.
The fact that this MC didn't call him on his double standard doesn't bode well, IMO, but then I really HATE double standards. Maybe I'm over-reacting...but then I go back to what you write: the MC seemed to say that reasonable retribution for your pre-commitment fling is his pre-commitment fling PLUS is post-commitment A.
OTOH, a good M does require the partners to nurture each other, and IMO the fact that she said that is a positive - but how is she going to help you move from the grief, rage, and fear of the A to mutual nurturing?
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:01 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
Oddly, we bumped into that guy recently- I didn't recognise him for a minute and my WH said he felt nothing about it. And that guy was innocent. My WH said he hoped in 4 years I'd be able to do the same, but he won't happen. In this case, the OW was a very close friend, so I had the awesome double betrayal. I'll never feel that way towards her.
When she asked him why he slept with his ex, he said because he thought I was going to sleep with mine. He literally could not see how odd that thinking was and she pointed it out, what possible thing would he gain by doing that? That was his, "pass". The pre-emptive strike. He treats sleeping with his ex as pretty much nothing at all as it happened very early. But on some level, I obviously didn't feel that way. (And she hates me, and was violent and cruel, too. I couldn't understand why he was with that trash).
I did dislike her judgmental way of putting things, though. I didn't like the implication that I've spent 4 years since pissing off my WH and dragging him down. And also that there was a, "for tat" coming. Because there isn't. I have been careful to not even be insulting because I feel like our relationship is a body, a wounded body, and the more wounds we make the less chance we have. I don't want to add to the wounds. But I am going to give it a second go and see how we go with her.
Today has actually been a fantastic day. I have barely triggered and my WH has actually been talking about what we discussed yesterday. And, for the first time, he spoke to someone else about what happened (i.e not via me having told them). He even told them we were in counselling and asked their advice. He has cried twice. Not in self pity but in sorrow and remorse and held me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry. He has also said, for the first time, that although he was depressed, there must be a deeper reason. Until this point, he has always maintained that his depression made him do it. It definitely had a hand in it but I have repeatedly said that's not deep enough. And he has acknowledged that during that time, he was very angry at me. He actually *exaggerated* details without thinking, to hurt me. When he told the MC this, she said, "While you were saying this, why weren't you thinking of the effect your words were having on the woman you loved, who you married?" And he couldn't answer. So that's a question.
Thank you so much for insight and advice. UKLady, it is shit, and I hope today goes okay for you and you can refocus your sessions. Sorry I can't quote, on my own.
I'm taking today as a good day, even if tomorrow is shit. Aside from all the serious talk, we've actually relaxed and had some fun today. We both have the next few days off work, too, so that'll be good. He's been very affectionate and I've been relaxed enough to be affectionate back. I feel better after talking my feelings through with my WH. Importantly, when I have shifted blame towards myself, he has shifted it away. I make it clear that I think his A was a choice and one I take no responsibility for, but then start to feel crap about myself, but he agrees it was a choice and not my fault. I hope the MC actually gets back to me, she hasn't replied yet!
Thank you guys, I'll probably be posting more about this as it goes on.
[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:59 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
Argh, I hate this so much.
I think so. IIRC, I didn't think life was all that pleasant at that point.
WRT your idea that you can cut and run now, it IS something to consider - but there are no guarantees. Worse, from what I hear, D has its own difficulties.
You just have to dig deep and figure out what you really want and whether that's attainable.