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why do they do this?

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scangel3 posted 6/12/2013 04:23 AM

I don't get it!!! And I'm not talking about the A, that's a question for another time if ever, but what I'm talking about is looking at other women's cleavage profile shots on social media, like my fitness pal, or Facebook? Especially when he knows I look! I feel so broken, so lost! Things have been off (more then normal) between us since he visited his parents over the weekend. And I felt good with him gone, I posted about it, and still today I feel the odd calm detachment, but I feel it from him too. I should be embracing this, pushing forward, but I'm stuck!

I want to move on but I don't want to let go. There are things I want in life that I may never get if I leave. I have a family friend telling me to stay, try everything possible to fix us, for our kids. And I get that, that's the only thing keeping my heart here. But hearing this from a friend made me think. Think a lot! Could I live like this? Could I be happy? Then I started thinking what if he never gave me the emotional things I needed, would I find them somewhere else but still be "with" him? And this was all before my phone snooping done tonight that revealed the images he was looking at.

I'm just hurt! Stuck! Angry with myself! And mostly confused!!! If only he would do the things that I would need to make me feel secure and loved, then things would be so much more simple!!!

ETA: realized I tj'd my original question with this post. That just goes to show how my head is spinning in all directions!!!

[This message edited by scangel3 at 4:25 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

hardtimesinlife posted 6/12/2013 07:20 AM

I spent many years knowing I wasn't truly loved. Those years were spent looking for evidence that he could love me. Wondering why I wasn't loveable. Hoping and praying that I could get what I needed from him so I wouldn't be faced with making the decision to leave. It's called limbo and it sucks eggs. I wasted way too much time, in hindsight. I didn't want to look back and regret leaving but now I regret staying.
I'm sorry you are hurting.

scangel3 posted 6/12/2013 10:46 AM

Thank you hardtimes, that is exactly what i'm doing. And my biggest fear is regretting it, either way I turn, or my kids blaming me when they're older or resenting me for breaking up their family. How did you finally make the decision to leave?

I tell myself I could do it, I could be happy, just focus on myself and do the things that make me happy, but still in the same home as WH. Then I think about being loved and cherished by someone, would I be able to deny myself that for the next 13+ years? What if I couldn't? Would I turn into him and find it somewhere else? I thought about telling him last night, that we were only married on paper, for show for the kids, but other then that we not married in any other way. There would be no marriage obligations between us. But I thought better and said nothing, knowing I could never go that rout, or watch him go that rout. So here I am stuck, and it feels like it will never end!

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