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James518 posted 6/12/2013 05:31 AM

Over a week since D day, and she still will not give me answers. Says she is sorry, but will not answer my questions. Says she doesn't deserve me. I am trying hard to reconcile, but feel she is not. She gets angry with me, when I ask for closure. I am so lost. I love her, but don't know how long I can do this?

karmahappens posted 6/12/2013 06:16 AM

HI James

Still so early here. She is not ready to reconcile with you. It is too early to be making decisions on what you want...you will change your mind over and over again.

This post has some good advice in it.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Read and post often, get into some IC and love yourself.

Put R away right now and heal, heal, heal. Take the time to walk through all of your emotions, process them.

When she is ready to do some hard work she needs IC and eventually, if you decide you want to try, you can both get into MC.

She is a foggy cheater right now, watch her actions, not her words.

She is going to do a lot of heavy lifting to right this wrong and she isn't ready yet.

Take care of you.

(((Hugs)))

OK now posted 6/12/2013 06:27 AM

Its important not to be there for her; anxiously waiting for her remorse and signs she is emotionally connecting. You need to recognize the disrespect she has shown you, the lack of worth, lack of loyalty and temporarily pull away from your marriage.

You can't be a sure thing; you need to sow seeds of doubt in her mind about whether you will reconcile or divorce. You may be certain that you want to reconcile, but she has to fight for this relationship in order to recover the value it once had.

painpaingoaway posted 6/12/2013 07:07 AM

You can't be a sure thing; you need to sow seeds of doubt in her mind about whether you will reconcile or divorce. You may be certain that you want to reconcile, but she has to fight for this relationship in order to recover the value it once had.
No truer words ever spoken. You must be ready to lose the marriage in order to save it. Disconnect immediately. You will see changes in her within a few days. If not, you have your answer as to whether or not she is willing to try to save the marriage. Then see a lawyer.

nofool4u posted 6/12/2013 12:27 PM

Over a week since D day, and she still will not give me answers.

She isn't wanting to have any consequences to her actions. She wants to just get away with it.

Perhaps you should tell her you are contacting an attorney, but only if you are ready to actually do it.

I'd tell her, "well if you don't want to tell me what I deserve to know, then there is no point in staying with such a woman"


Says she is sorry, but will not answer my questions. Says she doesn't deserve me.

She is sorry she got caught, and no, she doesn't deserve you, much less any other decent man if she doesn't think honesty is something she should have to adhere to.


She gets angry with me, when I ask for closure.

She has absolutely no business getting angry at you.

Nuff said, go see an attorney. Get rid of her. Let her be other men's problem...and they hers.

Then you go out and have fun, date around, and in the future, find yourself a decent woman. Because your wife surely is not.

tushnurse posted 6/12/2013 12:43 PM

Welcome James - It hurts so much, and to have a spouse that won't acknowledge what they did is much harder.

She is not sorry for what she did, she is sorry she got caught. She will blame her choices on you, and she will shift things around to make you feel like you are losing your mind. That is if you continue to engage her in her present state of mind.

Your other option is to read up on the 180, and implement it. Go to a lawyer, don't tell her, just go, find out what your rights are, and how it would play out if you ended up D'ing. Knowledge is power, and power is strength.

Focus on you, and make sure you are being kind to you. Make sure you are doing the basics, eating/sleeping/ keeping hydrated. If you aren't go to your Dr and get some help with medications. IT's OK to need something to get through this.

I read your other post, and if your wife is truly NPD, she may never accept what she has done as wrong or bad, and you need to start feeling out what that future will look like.

Keep reading, keep posting.
Lots of folks here have BTDT.

((((and strength)))))

allfalldown posted 6/12/2013 13:01 PM

^^karmahappens^^ this.

Great advice. The fogs lifts slowly and I am working on me with IC. Whether she comes around or not...you need to take care of you in order to do the upcoming hard work- R or D.

((James))

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