"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

LadyYoga posted 6/12/2013 06:33 AM

We had DS bday party last nigh at our house. DS BFF (OW DS) was here. At pick up time, OWH came into the backyard and was chit chatting with the other parents and my H. How does he do that?!?!? How does he stand there and talk about nonsense with the man who was my BFF and had an A with his wife? I guess he is in a better place than me. I do recall after DDAY he asked my H to meet for a drink. Shook his hand and said "you are not bad people, you just did a bad thing". Then paid the bill! Is it possible that he is able to shut down that much???

stillhere09 posted 6/12/2013 06:50 AM

In my opinion, he didn't care that much for his wife.

To have the OW's son at my son's birthday party is something I just couldn't do. Not that the child did anything wrong, but I couldn't deal with the parents and wouldn't want any chance that the OW would ever be around my son.

I can certainly understand your confusion, though. It's as if he was condoning the A. As I've said, it seems to me he just didn't value his wife much.

fourever posted 6/12/2013 07:01 AM

That, ^^ Or, he maybe has been down that road?

painpaingoaway posted 6/12/2013 07:20 AM

Shook his hand and said "you are not bad people, you just did a bad thing"

Oh my, how gallant of him. I bet he shits rainbows too.

solus sto posted 6/12/2013 09:52 AM

In my opinion, he didn't care that much for his wife.

I wouldn't draw that conclusion. I would suspect he has shut down and is denying his feelings. I did for a very long time, and it had nothing to do with "not caring" about my husband.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/12/2013 09:58 AM

I would think it is more like what solus sto posted. The OBS maybe a great compartmentalizer, too.

Also, something that many in tv and movies say. "Lets all be adults here." Like it is immature to be hurt desperately by your spouses adultery.

I think alot of people are under the impression that it is the "adult" thing to do to act like these things never happened.

LadyYoga posted 6/12/2013 11:10 AM

I think that's it. That "we are all adults and things could be worse"... My H and OW H both work in a hospital(yes, same one) and they see all kinds of bad stuff. So I always hear "I saw a kid today with his head smashed in" and "put things into perspective"
UGHHHH

Ashland13 posted 6/12/2013 11:20 AM

I don't know about "adult" to not speak of an A, but certainly easier to ignore? There are people in my life who would gladly not hear one word and pretend. I even get phone messages from a relative that say, "Hope all is well today", when my life is changing 100% in every way! How can this be?

The entitlement that is felt by some is astronomical, through the roof and don't forget sometimes a "fog" helps a person think they didn't do anything wrong.

An example might be that STBX in this case thinks he is perfectly welcome almost anywhere in DD's life, when in fact, he is not. He doesn't understand why other parents don't want him taking their kids on the visits with DD but the kids can still come to DD's house when I'm here and he isn't.

Or why someone who heard of the A won't speak to him if they chance to meet. He thinks now that he has made his transition to his "new life", that he can pick and choose what part of this old life he still wants to include. Problem is, only he thinks that way.

He may be like your WH, momof 3, and be working incredibly hard not to make the A his whole life's label, but a lot of times, that isn't possible.

Like, "Ok, I cheated, got rid of that girl and want this one and no one should be mad at me for it."

And what your former BFF said reminds me of the band aid affect, an attempt at wanting to make peace with WH.

I have often wondered if compartmentalizing is related to denial and what anyone would think? The common thread being to put it out of mind kind of goes along with each word?

LadyYoga posted 6/12/2013 11:23 AM

This is all "crazy making" as one SIer said. And it SUCKS that we are all here!

CatchyUsername posted 6/12/2013 11:28 AM

Amazing story... wow. My jaw would have been on the floor. This is one I struggle with : "you are not bad people, you just did a bad thing" <<< jury is still out for me regarding my WH as to if he is actually not a "bad" person...

nofool4u posted 6/12/2013 11:35 AM

In my opinion, he didn't care that much for his wife.

I agree. I shook the OM of my x-wife's hand and told him I want to buy him a beer for taking out my trash. Boy did he have a puzzled look on his face. He wasn't about to defend her honor face to face.

Its quite possible that for the OWH to say "you are not bad people, you just did a bad thing" because he is cut from the same mold. Its possible that OWH was cheating on her, therefore he wouldn't want to consider himself a bad person.

cancuncrushed posted 6/12/2013 11:39 AM

Im sure he didnt like that it happened. What goes on behind closed doors? Thats the reality. He may be hurting and wanting to be the bigger person. I went that route years ago in another relationship. I made sure I was seen, and it didnt effect my life. I was in alot of pain. ANd wished later, I just stayed underground and healed. It didnt help at all to be around the guilty. But there is no handbook. And we act irrational when we are destroyed.

circlingthedrain posted 6/12/2013 11:39 AM

What nofool4u said.

tired girl posted 6/12/2013 11:41 AM

There are people who are just that good at sweeping things under the rug. They really just don't want to deal with anything that is unpleasant or feelings related. My MIL is like this. You start talking about anything like that and she will literally start talking about something else as if you weren't even talking. It was jarring for me the first few times it happened. Now I just don't go there.