Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: If I wanted her, I would be with her
41andthankful
♀ 38650
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does WH even say this? Especially when I haven't decided if I want him? Am I really supposed to find comfort or flattery that he knows he now wants me, the honest, faithful, formally loving wife over a cheating broken woman? I respond with you chose me when you married me. I didn't become an option just because you decided to sleep around and give yourself multiple choice answers to a one answer question. I am not in the least bit flattered, just the opposite. I am repulsed that I am ever thought to be in the same category as she. He gave her the luxury of knowing about me and she still chose to be with him. Nope, I had to be inspector gadget to find out about her. I would not have felt there was enough of him to go around and grabbed my small morsel as she did. Honestly saying things like this he is making a decision to leave clearer everyday. Am I taking this the wrong way? I swear I need a dumbass interpreter to type into so I can decipher some of the crap he says. Any translators out there that speak dumbass?

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got this also. "If I wanted to be with her I would be" I would say "then why are you not with her than, you spend all your time fucking her and partying with her"?

They say it like they have options. And are entitled and in control of what is going on. Next you will get "she is just a friend and I don't want more but she does but no I won't be with her LIKE that".
Again, this is suppose to make you feel better. See, he is letting you know that she wants him but he just wants to be her friend and bang her and go around in public like they are a couple but wants to stay married to you because you are safe.

Watch out because if you stay like I did (sperated now) you guys will fight about her EVERY FUCKING DAY. And huge fights and then he will blame the fighting for you two not getting along.

Its all a MINDFUCK! Not even the best dumb ass can figure the shit that comes out of their mouths.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2870 | Registered: Aug 2011
JustWow
♀ 19636
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks he is the prize.

If he won't be in a relationship with you, on the terms you require, then let her have the stinking "prize".

YOU are the prize. He doesn't seem to get that.

Rage can be empowering, ya know


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3641 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd have come back with: "So your being faithful and in this marriage is predicated on what, or who, you want at any given point in time?"

But it is possible that what he was trying to say is he chooses you - not her, (and that he is totally ignorant that he has the emotional intellect of a dung beetle...)

Sorry he put it that way (((41&T)))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4162 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
41andthankful
♀ 38650
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with both of you. I did put him out so I can decide what I want. He is slowly realizing that I have to chose him again and not the other way around. I would not wait for him to decide between me and ow. Now of course... He sees she was never really a friend, she is just as much scum as he for the a ( before she was an angel with glowing farts). She is not wife material, he knew she was easy and would agree to the a. He never wants to talk to or see her ever again. He won't even say her name, hasn't in over two months. Refers to her as 'them'. Can't believe he touched her.
All of this revelation I am sure is because I have been a raging bitch and he knows play time is over. If he doesn't want to wait for me to decide, goodbye. I will not be rushed nor manipulated into deciding before I am ready.

Eta: take2, I would like to think he meant it in a good way, I just can't give him the benefit of a doubt right now. He needs to be on point with what he says or I just add it to the 'stupid s!?$ he says' list ( really have one, I hated those things invading my normal journal entries)

[This message edited by 41andthankful at 9:18 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for not rushing. And for not letting him make all the shots like they like to do.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2870 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lalagirl
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good lord, that line must be in the WS handbook. Bunch of horseshit. I got that line too...it was also one of the lines that sent me packing 6 years ago. (We have reconciled, but with a lot of IC and MC.)

(((((41andthankful))))

Take the time you need. Perhaps this will help him to extract his head from his ass a little faster.

Hugs...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5136 | Registered: May 2007
copingdaily
♀ 34713
Member # 34713
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Wh never said those exact words but he did say theres somewhere else I could be, but I choose to be here. Same thing I guess. I made it clear to him, that I CHOSE to have him here, I wanted him to be clear on that, IT WAS MY CHOICE TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE!!!! He seemed shocked, he had never thought of it that way. Dumbass!!!!


Treat others as you want to be treated

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Texas
tryingmybest2011
♀ 32584
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the exact line, verbatim, multiple times. Ew.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
SadFlower
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW and FWH had a close emotional bond, and I was not sure that he would have it in him to go NC when I confronted him on D-Day. I was astounded at the degree of his remorse, and his willingness to cast her aside--I had told him I would be happy to let him go to be with her. And I did get, "If I wanted to be with her, I would have left you long ago." But I turned the conversation around and made it about MY choice, not his. I had my very best pair of bitch boots on that day!


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
41andthankful
♀ 38650
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that Sad, gotta get me a pair of those boots!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still get that line

I have actually told WH, "Do you really think I'm grateful for that?"

Dumbass


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Especially when I haven't decided if I want him?

Right I so know what you mean lol. They really think their sh*t don't stink don't they? Little do they know their stench is far greater than they ever imagined.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
41andthankful
♀ 38650
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm starting to think a true side effect of his a is chronic stupidity. I am certain I would have noticed before If he truly was this dumb. I hope it wears off or does any one know of a cure?

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't speak dumbass but I'm learning. My WH said a lot of stupid stuff, contradicted himself and then denies some of the idiotic things that come out of his mouth. I on the other hand call him on it every time at that very moment. Just remember he was saying even more idiotic things to the OW but because she was trying to be all angelic, she could never call him on his shit! So as not to rock the boat and tarnish their rendezvous she had to tolerate his bull. Talk about a mind fuck...and all the while he's telling her he ain't looking for a wife while he is screwing her and dumping his daily garbage on her 'cause his wife doesn't listen to him.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 5:24 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Shutup  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any translators out there that speak dumbass?

I think we all do at some point because we are trying to make sense of their nonsense.

I know exactly what you mean. My H kept telling me he was never going to leave me and that he always loved me. Really, that's so fricking comforting. NOT.
He never loved her. WHO CARES?

I felt like I got left with the booby prize. I got left with a lying, cheating husband. And I was supposed to do cartwheels because AFTER he got CAUGHT he realized how wonderful I was, how much he cherished his family, etc.

I wanted to be on let's make a deal and see what was behind door #2. Was there a better, new improved, less flawed husband behind door #2. One that I wouldn't have to stroke his ego and be grateful that he decided to stay. UH, YEA ME?

Your husband needs to be doing all and everything to make you feel like the special person you are. By comparing you to his OW does not accomplish this. Tell him to stop it. It's a trigger so tell him to just bite his tongue when he is tempted to say this.

Duh. Sorry, keep moving.

You're worth it.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Apr 2013
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your favorite bitch boots are the cure. Your choice was taken away before, as all of ours were. But, guess what!? Now all choices are yours. And the best part, everyone can know about them!
My fwh tried to tell me he chose me too. Boots WAY up his ass for that.
Bitch boots, i'm collecting them now, love the colors!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
41andthankful
♀ 38650
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like I got left with the booby prize. I got left with a lying, cheating husband. And I was supposed to do cartwheels because AFTER he got CAUGHT he realized how wonderful I was, how much he cherished his family, etc.


This exactly how I feel... Did I really win any thing?


Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
Snapdragon
♀ 4286
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My translation is that this is a backhanded way to make sure that you knew that the OW was still out there ready to take him because he is so damn awesome. It sets up a bit of "competition" in your subconscious and you'll want to be a extra wonderful wife in order to keep him. Because, after all, he does have that option still.

The thing is, some people may respond to that kind of mind play. Or they may keep a spouse just so that the AP doesn't get them.

Or, it is just a really bad way of saying that, despite other choices, he chooses you. It is supposed to be a compliment, a validation. But it really doesn't feel that way, does it?


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3090 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH said this early on, months after the A ended. I believe what he meant was that she would have taken him, but that was not what he wanted. It was his way of saying that leaving was never a consideration. It didn't make me feel better but he meant it to.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.