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Need thoughts plz-MC wants me to write...

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Chefj9 posted 6/12/2013 08:45 AM

about what M means to me with my WH. I asked if it should be what I see it as now, or how I want it to be? She said to think "bigger" picture. What did it mean when we first got together, etc.

I am drawing a blank. Every time I start to think about what I want to say, all that comes out is;

Emotionally Abandoned
Emotional Abuse

The first year was a blur, after that the betrayals started. The words that come out about what I want my marriage to be are just not coming.... the pain is too raw and I'm terrified to think about what it could be to only end up with the list I've written above to be the outcome.

Has anyone else done this exercise? Should I just tell my MC that it's too soon for me to think that way? Right now, I'm just trying not to melt down daily and function. I can't focus.

Razor posted 6/12/2013 08:56 AM

Honestly I think this would be a better exercise for your WH. His response would possibly open up his mind to the scope of what he did and now his actions not only violated you but also violated him. It would show him what he risks loosing.

Having you do this I think may be used against you. In that *well your expectations are too high so no wonder your WH failed*.

I would write something along the lines of M being a partnership between TWO people. I would write down the vows I took because that pretty much says it all. M is a relationship where people dont mentally and physically abuse the other. A relationship where there is trust. Where you know that other person always has your back and will be on your side no matter what. AND a relationship where PEOPLE DONT JUMP INTO BED WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

This just seems a strange question to ask a BS. WE have it right and our WS has it wrong.

Chefj9 posted 6/12/2013 08:59 AM

Razor -

Honestly I think this would be a better exercise for your WH.

I should have clarified, we were both asked to do it, and she emphasized that it was even more important for him to do it.... I thought about referring to our vows as well. Sad part is, we wrote our own and I'm not sure I still have mine.

ImNellNow posted 6/12/2013 09:01 AM

My MC had me do a similar exercise, but it was all about what I desired in a marriage. (Not the M I had, but my idea of a good marriage.) Things like... financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. Figuring out what I wanted gave me a way to start evaluating what I had and what was possible.

Does that make more sense?

mepe27 posted 6/12/2013 10:09 AM

I'm not sure what your MC is trying to get at with this but when I read your post what it reminded me of was how I had to grieve for the marriage I had lost, I had to cry about it b/c I had to let it go. I'm wondering if she's trying to get you to spell all that out so you can work thru what appears to have been lost?

I had to really shift my beliefs, i mean if you believe that you and your H are soul mates and that you and he love each other unconditionally well and A flips that on it's head, what does that mean? did I marry the wrong person? am I an idiot and completely fooled? Again I'm not sure if this is where she is going but those were things I had to sort out, I believed we were different and special, was I wrong?

I will say, that after grieving all of it and wresting with fears of the future, the marriage we have now is so much better than what I thought I had before. It's more real, it's more whole. But it takes time and work to get it there.

tushnurse posted 6/12/2013 10:22 AM

I think this is actually a good exercise. It is going to help you see things from a clearer point of view. Also giving your spouse an idea of what you truly need for a successful happy healthy M.

Start with looking back on those early feelings you had when you met, and fell in love. Who you thought you were marrying, and why you loved that man so much.

Then think on where you noticed things changing, and how it affected the both of you.

Lastly I would write what you need now, and how you see the future if you get the things you need.

And Heck Yes this is way more important for your H to do, but I think you will find that it will help you as well.

((((and strength)))))

RyeBread posted 6/12/2013 10:41 AM

the pain is too raw

If it's hard to not associate negative feelings with your WH then if you approached it from the standpoint of taking your WH out of the equation? What I mean by that is putting down what type of marriage you want to have. What are your expectations? What type of marriage makes you feel safe, secure, loved, etc. Forget your WH for a moment and focus on you and your needs and expectations. What is a healthy marriage to you?

CatchyUsername posted 6/12/2013 11:22 AM

We start MC in 2 weeks and I hope she does something like this for us. I think it would be as difficult as you are saying. Maybe write bits and pieces down as they come to you. Good stuff when you are happy. Other stuff when you are not. You are not getting graded, just give it an honest authentic try - and if it is 2 sentences great, or a novel great.

Chefj9 posted 6/12/2013 12:07 PM

All great advice. I think Im going to write about what I want my marriage to be. Maybe that will help me reflect and I will remember glimpses of what was there at a point

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