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5 yrs ago today...

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simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 09:57 AM

I sat down at my husband's computer because I was bored with my favorites and bookmarks and my world changed forever.

5 yrs ago he was nice. I was his sweetiepea, he tucked me in at night even though I told him he didn't have to, he insisted. He always thought of the family. It wasn't unusual to see him come home with a bag of toys for the kids or a surprise something for me. We didn't have the perfect marriage, but it was good.

5 yrs later and he's a different person. In his eyes he's stronger and better. So I know there's no hope of him ever changing. Things are a mess. I've seen too much of what he does and says about me behind my back to ever trust him again. He has successfully cut me out of his life. He keeps everything from me that the only way I know anything is if I continue to snoop on him which makes me an emotional wreck. It seems to me that we're being punished for me finding out he cheated. If I never found out there's a good chance he would still be the same person he was. But that is all gone now.

I'm trying to think if he's always been this way and has done a fantastic job of hiding it from me or if this is all new. I know for a fact he's nicer to his friends, online or IRL, than he is to us and we're his family.

Last night he was angry about something but he won't tell me. If I ask, he'll brush it off as always, so I stop asking. Then he gets upset that I don't talk him. Well, what am I supposed to do? Someone can only be brushed off for so long before they stop asking. There's nothing I can do, in his eyes, that's right. He gets angry when I make dinner and it's waiting for him when he comes home from work. This is something I can't figure out.

Even now, whenever he comes home I go right to bed. I don't want to be in the same room with someone who doesn't want to look at me or talk to me. I had posted in Off Topic about a new dress that he bought me because I don't have a lot of clothes and I don't want to wear jeans all summer. So I picked out a maxi dress. I love it. When I finally wore it the kids were excited to see me in it and my daughter said "WOW!" and my son also complimented me. My husband never said a word. But I'm supposed to notice when he gets a hair cut.

I'm hurting today, not because of what he did, but because of the 5 yrs that I feel were stolen from my children and I'm the one that stole them. I spent too much time digging and searching and snooping on him, too many days crying non stop, too many days of not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. I feel like I wasted all this time. This summer will be good. I've made lots of plans to do things with them and with our neighbor. Her kids are younger (kindergarten) but they all play and get along great so we're going to do a lot. I know I can't make up for the prior years, but I can make it better going forward.

Thank you SI for being here and for all the members who have ever taken the time to post on my threads and for the continued support and guidance. Even if it seems like I don't listen to the advice, trust me, I do. I listen and hear ever word and I appreciate all of it. Even though I may not be able follow some of the advice right now, I know there will be a day (hopefully soon) where I will be able to.

I am thankful for all the wonderful connections I've made on this site and it restores my faith in humanity that there are still kind and caring people in the world willing to help a stranger.

(((HUGS))) to each and every one of you.

Sorry this is so long (and for any missed typos). Thank you if you've made it this far.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 9:59 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

mepe27 posted 6/12/2013 10:03 AM


PinkJeepLady posted 6/12/2013 10:26 AM


I completely understand the feeling of 5 years being "stolen" from you and the kids! It's heartbreaking isn't it? It isn't your fault! You have been coping the best way you can.

I feel like I have been the worst mom ever the past year and I too feel like the time I have sent figuring this mess out has "stolen" time I could have been using to raise my kids. It's so unfair isn't it? Yeah, the time spent crying would really add up wouldn't it? All the things I could have accomplished.......

I am so glad you got a new dress, aren't the maxi's fun? They were fun the first time around in the 70's, geeze I am getting old! I am also glad your son took notice, that was sweet. My 16 year old son recently wrote me a note saying he thought I was amazing for dealing with all I have had to deal with. He doesn't know the details, but of course he knows it's been a terrible, sad year.

Good for you to be looking forward to summer and hanging out with the kids, enjoy it! You so deserve it! I wish you much laughter and silliness!

I too appreciate the support and guidance here on SI, it does restore your faith in humanity, nicely said! Thank you for your post, please take care of yourself!

Deeply Scared posted 6/12/2013 10:39 AM


My heart hurts for you and all that you've gone through

The best thing you can do is work on your own healing...stand tall and stand strong, you've done nothing wrong.

jo2love posted 6/12/2013 11:01 AM


simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 12:06 PM

Thank you for all the hugs and kind words.

I feel like I have been the worst mom ever the past year and I too feel like the time I have sent figuring this mess out has "stolen" time I could have been using to raise my kids. It's so unfair isn't it? Yeah, the time spent crying would really add up wouldn't it? All the things I could have accomplished.......

PJL, That is the hardest part. They did nothing wrong, they are so innocent. My kids no nothing of what is going on between my husband and I. They just know that "mommy and daddy" fight a lot. I feel like the worst mom because I feel like I should've pushed this all aside, even for a little while so I could do things with them. It got to the point that when my husband came home from work the ran up to him saying "mommy's crying again."

That was so sweet that your son wrote you that letter. That must have made you feel great. My son gets upset and comes to me and says "I don't like the way he treats you." I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, or maybe both.

Thank you, I'm really looking forward to summer. The library has a hands on dinosaur event coming up that I'm taking them too. My son wants to be a paleontologist (eek! to those college bills)so I know he's going to flip out.

Thank you DS. I know that's what I have to focus on, but sometimes it's still so difficult. Especially because he isn't supportive.

LoveActually posted 6/12/2013 12:54 PM


Your post brought tears to my eyes..I'm so so sorry for your pain. Sending you strength, peace and hope in your continuing journey.


simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 13:04 PM

Thnak you LA. I didn't mean to make anyone cry

Thank you for your kind words, they help so much.

Jrazz posted 6/12/2013 13:12 PM

I'm so sorry, love.


fallingquickly posted 6/12/2013 13:22 PM


My heart hurts for you. I understand. The way your husband is treating you is how my WH acted while in the As. He was always angry with me. I was always doing something wrong. I was walking on eggshells. I feel in those years and the two after DD#1 I was not nearly the mother I should have been. I regret the lost time with my children. They have been so amazing. Very supportive. We have very good relationships. Mine were teens when we found out about the cheating though.

That's great that you are going to focus on yourself and the kids this summer. Make every bit count.
And Yay! for the dinosaur exhibit. Have fun!

Lovedyoumore posted 6/12/2013 13:40 PM

So sorry it all changed for you. This is not your fault. His passive agressive actions probably mean there are FOO issues that you will never be able to change. Not sure of your age, but as men approach their middle years, FOO issues can be triggered into the forefront and boom, you will find yourself asking "who the hell is this and what did he do with my husband?" It sounds like he is walling you off, possibly in order to compartmentalize his life and give himself reason to act like a jerk. Again, you cannot be enough to affect a change so do not beat yourself up. Your children will some day call you blessed and if your H does not work on himself, well, they will call him something else.

simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 13:42 PM

Thanks Jrazz.

FQ, that's exactly what I do around here, walk on eggshells. He came home one day after work completely pissed off, I said out of his way. The kids and I curled up in my bed and watched TV.

I'm so glad they don't know what he did. They just know we fight. That must have been hard for your teens

We have lots of plans. I'm taking them to the town pool and for picnics in the park and other things.

Thanks! I know he'll love it.

tabitha95 posted 6/12/2013 13:45 PM

I had to get out of that environment for me and the kids.

It is emotional abuse, plain and simple.

Are you in R?

simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 13:49 PM

lym, I know he has FOO issues. He has actually backed away from his family. He said he doesn't want them affecting the kids like they did with him. But he's just doing the same things.

"who the hell is this and what did he do with my husband?"

I have asked myself this question many times.

It sounds like he is walling you off, possibly in order to compartmentalize his life and give himself reason to act like a jerk

This is true. Some of the things he's said about me behind my back were so hurtful. I wish I could "un-read" them, but at least I know how he truly feels. He made me out to be the most selfish, unsupportive witch out there. In reality I did everything I possibly could except get into a cheerleading outfit and do flips and cartwheels and throw him a parade.

simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 14:27 PM

Tabitha, no we're not in R.

crazyblindsided posted 6/12/2013 14:46 PM


You did the best you could given the circumstances. I'm sure there were still times you spent with them that were fantastic. But I do agree that it is just awful that infidelity also robs some of us our parenting skills. I know mine were affected big time after DDay. My kids watched me go away for inpatient therapy on 2 separate occasions as I could not cope with my situation.

I also wanted to add that I see my WH as a different person too and it is a person I would rather have never married in the first place. I see him changing though.

5 years is a long time to be feeling this way. I hope you can find happiness and peace within yourself.

Sad in AZ posted 6/12/2013 15:12 PM

Aw, SD, we share a d-day (plus one year--I'm 6 years out.) I hate that you're in limbo. It really is so much better on the outside.

Don't over-worry about the kids. You're not abusing them and you'll probably be shocked to realize that they'll remember precious little bad stuff when they grow up. Their childhood is the only one they know, so there's nothing to compare it to. The trick is to never let them see you sweat. If you act normal, they will know it as their normal.

Believe me; we had lots of hard times even before the infidelity, and DS (other than believing he was raised by children ) thinks he had a pretty awesome childhood.


Mousse242 posted 6/12/2013 17:16 PM

You're not in R, so where are you? Are you planning on divorce? And please do not say you're staying for the kids. Because your kids will be using your relationship now with your WH to form their future relationships. Thinking that fighting is "normal", thinking that no physical contact is "normal", thinking that you don't show your spouse or SO affection is "normal".

BlindSighted2013 posted 6/12/2013 18:15 PM

Awe... {{{Simply}}} ...and your daughter was only one when D-Day hit.

You are such an asset here (thank you for your kind words always, and also for sharing your story).

You are so young with your whole life ahead of you. Did you ever think of leaving?

I don't think that any of us can know what we'll do about a situation until we're in it. I always said that I would leave WH if he ever cheated on me, and here I am a month out from D-Day.

sullymeishadomi posted 6/12/2013 18:26 PM

Honey, dont under estimate your skills as a mom. I cant remember if I read this or my male ob said this, but the parents who question themselves are the good parents.

Youre making plans for you and your kids. Keep going in that direction


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