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I hope I'm wrong

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abbeyunsure posted 6/12/2013 10:12 AM

I'm not sure this is the right place for me. I'm happily married to my H for 6 years. I haven't found out anything yet, I only have suspicions, which I hope are wrong.

Sometimes when he's working late in his home office, the conversation seems a little too friendly. And then he sometimes closes the door. He says he's doing this so he won't disturb me, because he feels guilty that he has to work so late.

I did ask him about it, not in a confrontational way, just wanted to know if there was anything I should worry about. He told me I had nothing to worry about, and that it's "just clients". He was not evasive, and I have no solid reason not to believe him.

But it's nagging at me, and I feel like I have to know. If there is something going on, i hope with all my heart that he would tell me the truth about it. But I have to be aware that he might not. So how do I find out? I've read about people spying in different ways, with software, audio recorders, etc. I'm not sure I could do that. Isn't that just as bad? Is it legal?

I desperately hope it's just my insecurities, but I need to know for sure so my doubts don't eat away at me. That could be as bad for our marriage as an affair, I think.


sadtoo posted 6/12/2013 10:17 AM

Welcome so SI.

One thing I learned early in my journey was to always, always, always, listen to my gut. it was always right.

There is something nagging you that something is wrong. You need to listen. If he is up to something, you won't get the truth from him.

You need to quietly find out on your own. If you discover it's nothing, no harm, no foul. But you deserve to know. Personally, I would either install spyware on his conputer or if he's talking on the phone, put a voice activated recorder in his office in a hidden location that you can retreive later.

Good luck.

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/12/2013 10:21 AM

+1 on the voice activated recorder. At least you will know one way or another.

truetou posted 6/12/2013 10:27 AM the VAR...wish I would have done that...when they start acting "strange or out of character" you know something's up. Wish I would have paid more attention.

Check cellphone bills too for odd numbers and repeatedly called numbers at odd time of the day...usually evenings.

sorry u have to be the detective but good luck with it.

LivingALie posted 6/12/2013 10:42 AM

I would go with your gut. I do have one question - in the 6 years you've been married - has something like this nagged at you before? Or has he ever "felt guilty" before now about working so late?

If not - I'd say there's your red flag - change in behavior. I'd definitely go with the var - then you'll know.

[This message edited by LivingALie at 10:42 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

sportsfan posted 6/12/2013 10:42 AM

Sorry that you're here, abbeyunsure.

Absolutely place a VAR in his home office ... A's usually start with "innocent chatting" and then move forward. If he's in the "innocent chatting" stage and you can detect it then you can address it with him in many different, non-threatening ways. This could save your M.

If you realize that you were mistaken then there are no worries.

If you don't use the VAR and also don't somehow trip over something that indicates or proves he's in some stage of an A then you may be spending a lot of time here on SI soon.

Always trust your instincts ... the best of luck to you.

meplusfour posted 6/12/2013 11:33 AM

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Trust your instincts and check this out. I wish I had.

divergurl posted 6/13/2013 01:08 AM

I hope I'm wrong,
I had all the same nagging suspisions over my WH and his behavior! When I did confront him the first time(he was falling asleep and called me OW name) he lied his ass off!! I have since learned to go with your gut!! It is almost always right! I am soRry you are having these suspicions, if he is having an affair just know that in the short time I have been here SI has saved my sanity and given me some amazing advice!! Start hacking his phone, email whatever you can and get a voice activated recorder and stash it in his office!! But above all know if he is cheating no matter how hard this is you will come out the other side!!

Take2 posted 6/13/2013 04:25 AM

Abbey, as distasteful as it may be there is only one way to know for sure what, if anything, is going on.

I hate the idea that we live in an age of nanny cams, and keyloggers on a pre-teens' computers - until you see what some of them have caught in the nick of time, and that they have saved a kid's life... then I think Thank Goodness for the nanny cam - 'cause how else would the parents have known...?

When something is pinging a warning alert, it can often be so subtle you can't even name what it is: a fleeting look, an odd hesitation... Now - Does it make sense that a man who feels "guilty" about having to work so late is having overly friendly (and thereby extended) conversations while doing it? His words and actions aren't adding up. If he felt guilty, he'd get off the phone as quickly as possible! Does it make sense that a man whose wife has asked him if there is something she should worry about - then starts closing the door when he is having those conversations? NO.

Investigate. If a VAR proves there is nothing amiss - great! Because you are right: the suspicion isn't healthy for a marriage. If it proves there is something spinning out of bounds - at least you can confront it and deal with it and perhaps save your marriage. (But should you need to confront - come back here for some do's and don'ts first!!!)

Frankly, your only other option is to stick your head in the sand, hope for the best, and to try and ignore the red flag. If you've read here at all - you've seen where ignoring red flags can land you.


James518 posted 6/13/2013 05:36 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. If you have suspicions, you need to act. And act now! VAR is perfect. Do deserve to know, one way or the other. Be strong!

pewpewpew posted 6/14/2013 19:58 PM

Bump for update.
I hope you are wrong.
I am so sorry if that's not the case.
But we can help.

Jospehine85 posted 6/14/2013 21:34 PM

How late is "working late"?

If he's closing the door and chatting with clients after 7pm, that is pretty weird. Most people have left work and gone home.

There are other signs to keep your eye out for. Has he passworded his cell phone? Does he protect it and carry it all the time? Has he started working out or losing weight? Dressing nicer?

Consider a VAR like everyone suggested. It may seem like an unpleasant invasion on his privacy, but what you are suspecting him of is a much worse "offense".

There are twoo possible outcomes:

1. You discover he is NOT talking to clients and he is in an affair or doing something else he is trying to hide from you.

2. You discover he IS talking to clients and now you can STOP worrying

Get the VAR. Get the issue sorted out so you can either stop worrying or stop being used. Continuing to do nothing except worry is not good for you and not good for your marriage (if it turns out your husband is faithful).

RockyMtn posted 6/14/2013 21:51 PM

This is s tough situation.

I agree on the VAR thing. If he is "clean" and there is no A - are you going to tell him you got a VAR? I'm really just asking here because I totally agree that worrying will kill your health and probably harms your marriage. And, obviously, an undiscovered A harms your marriage.

But dishonesty does as well. If he's NOT cheating, and you keep the VAR from him...meh, that's dicey.

When an A may NOT be going on, I think the betrayed partner must think through how they will handle the situation in an honest and fair way after the fact (if no cheating is discovered)...especially if the partner being spied on has done nothing to warrant distrust. Simply shutting the door does not equal untrustworthy. I realize that someone who has nothing to hide won't be worried. But VARs probably aren't the best solution to maintaining trust in a marriage that hasn't been marred by betrayal.

Having said all of this, I agree that a sudden change in behavior is worrying.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/14/2013 23:00 PM

Work calls after 7pm could be nothing if they are east coast and he has west coast clients. But, gut instincts are too often right. Only one way to know for sure. VAR. Even if it's just "a little too friendly," it's worth talking about boundaries. "Staying out of the zone of danger." That's what my WH called it before he had an A.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 11:00 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

LonelyHusband posted 6/15/2013 08:07 AM

There's a simpler solution if you are not sure about a VAR yet. You've already let the cat out of the bag in terms of your suspicion, so I'd go ahead and rock the boat a little.

You tell him you are worried. You tell him you are frightened. And you tell him to just give you his phone. There. On the spot. Now. Not after a few minutes, but right there and then. You do't let him out of your sight so you know he is not deleting anything. Tell him that you are sure you are just being paranoid but just need to put your mind at rest.

If he gives it to you without question or fear, with perhaps a bemused expression on his face, then it's innocent. Any fear, any anger, any delaying, and you know damn well he's hiding something. Even if he's been deleting stuff he'll panic a little that he's left something on there. At that point I would turn my request to see his phone into a demand.

The VAR is definitive, but not everyone feels it's the right path for them.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 8:08 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

Daisy312 posted 6/15/2013 10:51 AM

Like everyone is saying, trust your gut and investigate. I had suspected something was off the first week my h. Started sleeping with the ow. I kept dismissing it. 6 months later I caught him red handed. I so wish I would've listened to my gut and caught him sooner. I would do the VAR and also really pay attention to him.

Ashland13 posted 6/15/2013 11:35 AM

Yes, your gut is also your "Jiminy Cricket" and I think there's a reason we all have those.

One of the behavior changes that Perv did was to spend massive amounts of time in the bathroom and if I asked if he was sick, he got very, very angry at me and turned beat red.

He also got to a point where no one was allowed anywhere near his phone and prior to knowing OW, both DD and I would play those little video games on it-as he got in deeper into the A, that phone was glued to his hand or pocket. It was also passworded as were his computers, though he wasn't working so no excuse there. He would also very quickly shut his computer screen if laptop or minimize the screen if a desktop if one of us was in the room.

Other things too, like spending more and more time "alone" and not in a room with one of us or sitting near us and staying up later and later.

Any change in behavior could be a clue.

I wonder if there's a way to know if this "talking to clients after 7 pm" is several clients or one?

I hope things turn out ok and think the VAR/keyloggr good, too.

jjct posted 6/15/2013 17:56 PM

abbey, could you access the phone bill?

trebleclef posted 6/17/2013 00:40 AM

This might be a place to start before you jump into digging:

108 signs he's cheating

Go through this list with a fine-toothed comb, writing down anything that comes to mind, with specific examples. If the results are alarming, start playing private investigator until you know what you are dealing with.

Keep in mind that the evidence is for YOUR benefit and security of mind,'not to convince him. Cheaters have an uncanny ability to deny even black and white proof. It's so that if you need to, you can simply say," I know you are seeing someone else. Doesn't matter what or how I know, or what excuses you may give me. I know. And here's the consequences....."

Good luck. And big (((((((hugs))))))

jo2love posted 6/17/2013 06:29 AM

abbeyunsure has not been online since Wednesday. We will unlock her thread for now, until she returns.

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