However... I must vent here. I can't help but be irked when he plays the role of concerned father. He's like a criminal in jail who finds religion after he's killed a whole bunch of people. NOW he's a concerned father who cares about how his kids are doing. NOW he wants to give input when he always left everything up to me and basically didn't get very involved. I'm so glad that the OW has had such a powerful influence on him and made him into a better man.
Rationally, I understand that this is better for the kids, but emotionally, I hate him for being a hypocrite. I also worry that this is all part of the dog and pony show that he's putting on for the OW. "Look at how caring I am! Look at how much I worry about how our children are doing!" If things implode with her, then we'll be back to the same old, same old, and I don't want the kids to be jerked around like that.
Anyway, I was set off by yet another one of his condescending, holier-than-thou emails. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to respond to this or if I shouldn't bother:
"OW and I have requested that the principal consider putting OW's DD in a separate kindergarten class from [our] DD. While the girls seem to get along well, we want them to have a fresh opportunity to gain friends on their own and not have a step-sibling relationship interfere with any of their academic or social development."
Are you friggin' kidding me? If you gave two shits about your children's academic and social development, you wouldn't have blown their lives apart, you dipshit.
"Also, OW and I want to minimize the opportunities for any awkward future encounters. I will try to coordinate with you our involvement in school events and conferences, etc. in this regard. Please let me know if you have any input."
What does this even mean? That he wants to make sure that OW's path and mine never cross (which is totally fine with me)? Am I supposed to answer that? "Yes, STBX, I don't want to see either of you at any school events, so I'll be certain to email you the exact times I'm attending so we can avoid each other." And conferences? He's NEVER attended our children's parent-teacher conferences. Does this mean that they both now plan on attending them with me? Separate from me? I don't even know what to say to any of that.
"The idea of a counselor seems like a good one. Thanks for taking care of coordinating that."
You're WELCOME, your royal highness. I'm SO glad that you approve. Hopefully, the counselor will work her hardest to clean up your messes so that you don't have to deal with them. Then you won't have to discuss those petty little "adult problems" with our children that you have claimed don't even exist!
I hope this means that they want to stay far away from me. That would be a good thing. But I'm sick of getting these emails from him that make him sound like Father of the Year. Part of me thinks it's just a ruse-- he wants his lofty emails on the record so that if he ever needs to jerk me around in court for whatever reason, he can show that he's been SUCH a concerned and involved dad.
I wish they'd just move away. I honestly think he'd do far less damage to our kids by leaving us than by staying around with her. I don't think that he'll be able to play the happy daddy/loving husband role for more than a few years before the facade begins to crumble, and then my kids' lives will be in upheaval again.
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 11:19 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
That email would set me off too!
EXWH passed away 8/31/2011
He didn't ask a question regarding your kids or finances. So don't respond.
[This message edited by travels at 11:26 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
Your X's behavior will most likely wear off. He's used to deferring to someone so it will eventually either be you or her.
NC NC NC ~ nothing he stated in his email needs your response. His email is dripping with holier-than-thou!! Makes me want to puke.
Perhaps OW is writing these?????
NC NC NC
Wow, he is just so pompous.
Sorry you have to deal with such an ASS!!
This is the problem I have with ex. He uses the lines that I should be using. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry to hear that."
he wants his lofty emails on the record so that if he ever needs to jerk me around in court for whatever reason, he can show that he's been SUCH a concerned and involved dad.
I think you are dead right about this^^^.
"I will try to coordinate with you our involvement in school events and conferences, etc. in this regard. Please let me know if you have any input."
I wouldn't know what to say. "Yes, it's best if we plan our times at the school so that we minimize our involvement with one another." or "We can make plans to coordinate our involvement as each event occurs." Unless the OW plans on inserting herself into every event, the only times we'd actually have to be at the same event would be the kindergarten concert since our DDs are in the same grade and the end of the year school celebration for the same reason. Otherwise, we won't have any other overlapping events because her DS is in a different grade and school from both of my DSs. Plus, you can do parent-teacher conferences separately; he could see the kids' teachers with her at a different time than I see them. Should I send him a one-liner that addresses the input?
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
No, no input needed at this time. Which inciedentaly, will probably bother him more than a response. What exact input are they looking for? Answer: trick question! They hauled out the drama llama, packaged it up as this cute little co-parenting letter and are *begging* you to pet the fucker.
Step away from the trojan llama.
I have down times when the emotions come or am tired and wrote back, "I don't care." I was trying to say it didn't bother me anymore-it does, terribly because I don't want to see him-but I don't want him to know that.
I am sorry, Trying, that more of your kid's lives are being changed because of what STBX did. I go to bat for DD constantly about this, trying in vain to salvage anything that can be left alone or the same for her life. It feels like fighting an ocean tide and I'm sad our kids get caught in it.
Anyway...I notice that he asks for your "input" but is making decisions on your child's behalf without you and that rattles me when Perv does it. At the beginning of when he abandoned us, I started hearing from the neighbors or parents of DD's friends that he was showing up at school to visit her at lunch, without my knowledge...? He would get playground time and then leave and I guess this upset many people.
What also upset me is that I was an employee there! And he got to do it without my knowledge!
Anyway...my two cents would be at least to not reply when you have any emotions and then because it's about your kids, really think if you need to.
I agree with the others about the posturing and am getting it in some forms, as well.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
So, a part of me wants you to stick it right back up his ass and respond with any technical language from your parenting agreement to show him who the smart one is in this scenario. It's not the best idea to start up any drama, so again, this is just what a small part of me wants you to do. His pompous "I'm so smart and great" attitude makes me want to slap his face.
Sorry. I'm so aggressive lately!
I can only laugh at STBX's smug and pseudo-intellectual attempts at talking down to me. If he really were as intelligent about his future plans as he purports in his messages, then he'd be doing the exact opposite of what he's doing right now. Everything I've read about the family situation he's about to create indicates that he and the OW are making huge mistakes. I find it amusing that I'm reading all these "how to best parent your kids after divorce" books so that I'm doing the right thing, and as I read them, I realize that he fits the "how to royally screw things up with your kids after divorce" descriptions.
I also agree with a previous poster-- I think that the OW is helping him to write these, and that makes me so happy because she clearly wants me to keep my distance. Works for me. She's entering my home turf, and my family members often come to my kids' events, so she's the one who can go skulking off with her tail between her legs. I'm not going to accommodate her; she can adjust her schedule to avoid me.
Thank you for the NC encouragement and for all of your comments. I'm sure it won't be long before Dr. Spock (the child rearing expert, not the Vulcan) sends me another missive that I can happily share with all of you.
"If you prefer that the 2 girls are in different classrooms, you are free to talk the principal about it.
As for conferences. You can schedule your conference time and I will schedule mine. School events are a non-issue and require no coordination efforts."
I am normally a proponent of NC, but I think that until the D is actually final.....that you need to walk a fine line.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
gonnabe, thanks for your suggestion. I'll sleep on it. I was just going to deal with things as they came along. I'm now thinking that when he talks about conferences, he just means that he doesn't want me to schedule a conference and then run into her because she has one right near mine. I think this is about keeping us apart, so I'm not going to rush to make him any reassurances. Our D is signed, according to the court system's website... I'm just waiting for the dang paperwork to arrive!