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Ugh. Respond to this or not?

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tryingagain74 posted 6/12/2013 11:17 AM

Now I know that I'm fortunate in the sense that STBX hasn't gone off the rails, not paying child support, etc.

However... I must vent here. I can't help but be irked when he plays the role of concerned father. He's like a criminal in jail who finds religion after he's killed a whole bunch of people. NOW he's a concerned father who cares about how his kids are doing. NOW he wants to give input when he always left everything up to me and basically didn't get very involved. I'm so glad that the OW has had such a powerful influence on him and made him into a better man.

Rationally, I understand that this is better for the kids, but emotionally, I hate him for being a hypocrite. I also worry that this is all part of the dog and pony show that he's putting on for the OW. "Look at how caring I am! Look at how much I worry about how our children are doing!" If things implode with her, then we'll be back to the same old, same old, and I don't want the kids to be jerked around like that.

Anyway, I was set off by yet another one of his condescending, holier-than-thou emails. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to respond to this or if I shouldn't bother:

"OW and I have requested that the principal consider putting OW's DD in a separate kindergarten class from [our] DD. While the girls seem to get along well, we want them to have a fresh opportunity to gain friends on their own and not have a step-sibling relationship interfere with any of their academic or social development."

Are you friggin' kidding me? If you gave two shits about your children's academic and social development, you wouldn't have blown their lives apart, you dipshit.

"Also, OW and I want to minimize the opportunities for any awkward future encounters. I will try to coordinate with you our involvement in school events and conferences, etc. in this regard. Please let me know if you have any input."

What does this even mean? That he wants to make sure that OW's path and mine never cross (which is totally fine with me)? Am I supposed to answer that? "Yes, STBX, I don't want to see either of you at any school events, so I'll be certain to email you the exact times I'm attending so we can avoid each other." And conferences? He's NEVER attended our children's parent-teacher conferences. Does this mean that they both now plan on attending them with me? Separate from me? I don't even know what to say to any of that.

"The idea of a counselor seems like a good one. Thanks for taking care of coordinating that."

You're WELCOME, your royal highness. I'm SO glad that you approve. Hopefully, the counselor will work her hardest to clean up your messes so that you don't have to deal with them. Then you won't have to discuss those petty little "adult problems" with our children that you have claimed don't even exist!

I hope this means that they want to stay far away from me. That would be a good thing. But I'm sick of getting these emails from him that make him sound like Father of the Year. Part of me thinks it's just a ruse-- he wants his lofty emails on the record so that if he ever needs to jerk me around in court for whatever reason, he can show that he's been SUCH a concerned and involved dad.

I wish they'd just move away. I honestly think he'd do far less damage to our kids by leaving us than by staying around with her. I don't think that he'll be able to play the happy daddy/loving husband role for more than a few years before the facade begins to crumble, and then my kids' lives will be in upheaval again.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 11:19 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

jadedangel posted 6/12/2013 11:22 AM

Personally, I wouldn't respond. There is no need for it.

That email would set me off too!

travels posted 6/12/2013 11:25 AM


He didn't ask a question regarding your kids or finances. So don't respond.

[This message edited by travels at 11:26 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

damncutekitty posted 6/12/2013 11:31 AM

No need to respond to anything that's not a specific question. This looks to me like typical affair couple posturing. After D, affair couples often scramble to make themselves look like good people (think Brangelina and all their charity work and adopting a bazillion kids) They want so bad for people to forget they are cheaters so they overcompensate- getting active in church, being overinvolved in parenting, going on tons of vacations, etc.

Your X's behavior will most likely wear off. He's used to deferring to someone so it will eventually either be you or her.

Heartless Bytchh posted 6/12/2013 11:34 AM

Say it with me.
No matter how you respond, it either comes off making you look like the bitter XW or you're agreeing and going along with everything he says. And that's called "manipulation", baybee.

dmari posted 6/12/2013 11:36 AM

Read and re-read and re-read damncutekitty's response! It is spot on!!

NC NC NC ~ nothing he stated in his email needs your response. His email is dripping with holier-than-thou!! Makes me want to puke.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/12/2013 11:40 AM

No questions asked = no response needed.

Perhaps OW is writing these?????


Lola2kids posted 6/12/2013 11:52 AM

He did ask to let him know if you have any input.
Doesn't sound like he really wants your input only confirmation of his decisions.

Wow, he is just so pompous.

Sorry you have to deal with such an ASS!!

This is the problem I have with ex. He uses the lines that I should be using. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry to hear that."

It's infuriating.

he wants his lofty emails on the record so that if he ever needs to jerk me around in court for whatever reason, he can show that he's been SUCH a concerned and involved dad.

I think you are dead right about this^^^.

tryingagain74 posted 6/12/2013 12:06 PM

I wouldn't have responded to the other parts of the email, but I wasn't sure if I should respond to this:

"I will try to coordinate with you our involvement in school events and conferences, etc. in this regard. Please let me know if you have any input."

I wouldn't know what to say. "Yes, it's best if we plan our times at the school so that we minimize our involvement with one another." or "We can make plans to coordinate our involvement as each event occurs." Unless the OW plans on inserting herself into every event, the only times we'd actually have to be at the same event would be the kindergarten concert since our DDs are in the same grade and the end of the year school celebration for the same reason. Otherwise, we won't have any other overlapping events because her DS is in a different grade and school from both of my DSs. Plus, you can do parent-teacher conferences separately; he could see the kids' teachers with her at a different time than I see them. Should I send him a one-liner that addresses the input?

Dreamboat posted 6/12/2013 12:14 PM

Since you do not have any specific input right now, then do not respond. Consider this an invitation to provide input in the future when and if the time arrives.


Griefstricken25 posted 6/12/2013 12:20 PM

Don't respond. What an arrogant ass.

Sad in AZ posted 6/12/2013 12:59 PM

I wouldn't respond unless you REALLY care about not being the OW's presence at school events, but even then, he won't take your input into consideration, so why bother. However, be prepared in the event that she ever shows up at your child's parent-teacher conference, at which time ask that she be removed as she is not the child's legal (or moral ) guardian.

stronggirl72 posted 6/12/2013 14:39 PM

Wow. NC!!!

tesla posted 6/12/2013 15:38 PM

Blech. Sounds like OW is composing emails or leaning hard on the idiot.

No, no input needed at this time. Which inciedentaly, will probably bother him more than a response. What exact input are they looking for? Answer: trick question! They hauled out the drama llama, packaged it up as this cute little co-parenting letter and are *begging* you to pet the fucker.

Step away from the trojan llama.

CheaterMagnet posted 6/12/2013 16:11 PM

Step away from the trojan llama.

Ashland13 posted 6/12/2013 18:33 PM

Some of this is happening with Perv. He will text and say, "I'm going to the bla bla at DD's school."

I have down times when the emotions come or am tired and wrote back, "I don't care." I was trying to say it didn't bother me anymore-it does, terribly because I don't want to see him-but I don't want him to know that.

I am sorry, Trying, that more of your kid's lives are being changed because of what STBX did. I go to bat for DD constantly about this, trying in vain to salvage anything that can be left alone or the same for her life. It feels like fighting an ocean tide and I'm sad our kids get caught in it.

Anyway...I notice that he asks for your "input" but is making decisions on your child's behalf without you and that rattles me when Perv does it. At the beginning of when he abandoned us, I started hearing from the neighbors or parents of DD's friends that he was showing up at school to visit her at lunch, without my knowledge...? He would get playground time and then leave and I guess this upset many people.

What also upset me is that I was an employee there! And he got to do it without my knowledge! two cents would be at least to not reply when you have any emotions and then because it's about your kids, really think if you need to.

I agree with the others about the posturing and am getting it in some forms, as well.

suckstobeme posted 6/12/2013 19:39 PM

I agree NC is best, but what really chaps my ass about this is that he's calling the school to discuss your DD without you. As far as I know, in NYS, joint custody means you both make decisions regarding education, health care and religion.

So, a part of me wants you to stick it right back up his ass and respond with any technical language from your parenting agreement to show him who the smart one is in this scenario. It's not the best idea to start up any drama, so again, this is just what a small part of me wants you to do. His pompous "I'm so smart and great" attitude makes me want to slap his face.

Sorry. I'm so aggressive lately!

tryingagain74 posted 6/12/2013 19:58 PM

suckstobeme, I don't think that I have much say in the contact that they had with the principal because it was really regarding OW's daughter. You are allowed to make such requests-- like, "Please keep my kid from being placed in the same class as this bully"-- but that doesn't mean that they'll be honored. Frankly, I'm delighted that he doesn't want them in the same class, but I don't think that it has ANYTHING to do with their "social and academic development" (what a load of horse manure). I think it has everything to do with the fact that the OW wants to minimize contact with me. That means that when her DD has something going on in her classroom, the OW won't have to run into me because my DD is in there as well. Plus, everything is happy crappy right now, but reality has yet to hit. Maybe my DD gets along with OW's DD at the moment, but how will their relationship be in a few months when they are sharing a bedroom and toys? A lot is going to change, and if my DD can count on her classroom as another safe space away from a stepsibling that she's struggling with, then I will be the one to write those letters that keep them apart in the future!

I can only laugh at STBX's smug and pseudo-intellectual attempts at talking down to me. If he really were as intelligent about his future plans as he purports in his messages, then he'd be doing the exact opposite of what he's doing right now. Everything I've read about the family situation he's about to create indicates that he and the OW are making huge mistakes. I find it amusing that I'm reading all these "how to best parent your kids after divorce" books so that I'm doing the right thing, and as I read them, I realize that he fits the "how to royally screw things up with your kids after divorce" descriptions.

I also agree with a previous poster-- I think that the OW is helping him to write these, and that makes me so happy because she clearly wants me to keep my distance. Works for me. She's entering my home turf, and my family members often come to my kids' events, so she's the one who can go skulking off with her tail between her legs. I'm not going to accommodate her; she can adjust her schedule to avoid me.

Thank you for the NC encouragement and for all of your comments. I'm sure it won't be long before Dr. Spock (the child rearing expert, not the Vulcan) sends me another missive that I can happily share with all of you.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/12/2013 20:34 PM

I'm not getting the impression that your DD has any type of academic issues,'s how I would respond:

"If you prefer that the 2 girls are in different classrooms, you are free to talk the principal about it.

As for conferences. You can schedule your conference time and I will schedule mine. School events are a non-issue and require no coordination efforts."

The End.

I am normally a proponent of NC, but I think that until the D is actually final.....that you need to walk a fine line.

tryingagain74 posted 6/12/2013 20:56 PM

My DD just finished preschool and was as happy as a clam there. If anything, she's more ready for kindergarten than her brothers were because she has stronger fine motor skills and social skills (likely due to her gender). Like I said, I think that his comment about her "academic and social development" was doublespeak for "My future wife doesn't want you anywhere near her and her DD."

gonnabe, thanks for your suggestion. I'll sleep on it. I was just going to deal with things as they came along. I'm now thinking that when he talks about conferences, he just means that he doesn't want me to schedule a conference and then run into her because she has one right near mine. I think this is about keeping us apart, so I'm not going to rush to make him any reassurances. Our D is signed, according to the court system's website... I'm just waiting for the dang paperwork to arrive!

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