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A Man without a Face

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ReunitePangea posted 6/12/2013 12:43 PM

Has anyone reconcilied without ever knowing what the OM or OW even looks like? I am trying to move forward but I am finding this to be an issue.

The problem is that the OM now lives far away, we have a successful NC in place, he seems to not be present anywhere I look online that I can find a photo, and my WW has no photos or anything of him. For more than 12 years he was part of her life but I could walk right past him on the street and never know it was him.

I think the other reason I struggle with this is based on the fatherhood of me kids. She tells me that I am absolutely their biological father and I will admit they look very much like me. However, if I don't know what he even looks like what good is that evidence? I know a dna test can fix that but I am not sure I want to do that.

anv5 posted 6/12/2013 13:11 PM

Just my opinion...
It doesn't truly matter what they look like.
I found out H slept with a woman 10yrs older 75 lbs heavier & (imo) not as pretty as me. I was hurt because he downgraded
Then he was communicating with a beautiful blond who was 5yrs younger & 15 lbs lighter. I was hurt because he wanted younger, skinny, prettier
Unfortunatly there is no winning. Even if you knew it wouldn't help prove if the kids are biologically yours.
I wish I had great words of wisdom I don't...I just know that in my case knowing what they looked like didn't change the hurt it just changed the label on the hurt.

MaraJade posted 6/12/2013 13:31 PM

I agree with the poster above. I couldn't avoid knowing what the OW looked like, as she was H's ex wife and the mother of my stepsons. I felt he downgraded and I couldn't understand what was so terrible about "me".

If it had been someone more attractive? I would have been just as hurt.

If it's an issue of paternity and it will haunt you, figure out if you want that test. My H questioned the paternity of one of his son's with his exW but he never got a test's his son, you know? If you can live with what the outcome is, then do the test. But it might mean that you aren't a biological father to a child and that could cause more harm than good.

sisoon posted 6/12/2013 14:01 PM

To give another view, I know what ow looks like, because she laid siege to us for 45 minutes on D-Day. I was the defender, standing coatless in the vestibule of our building, afraid to open the locked door because I figured if I did, she get into the lobby behind me. December in Chicago - I sure felt warm enough, though....

I wish I had never seen her.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:03 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/12/2013 14:11 PM

I went for a few months of not wanting a name or to know what the OM looked like. I eventually caved in and my wife told me. Well, I wish I did not know. Looking back, it was much easier to focus on just she and I against a faceless "enemy". Now he has a name. And a face. And I have a new unhealthy obsession about the guy who is a macho biker-type bodybuilder. Just something new to compare myself to, and that is not healthy. My experienced two cents? Don't find out. He does NOT matter. The issue is with you and your wife. Focus on that. Not him.

HurtButHopeful? posted 6/12/2013 15:02 PM

I know how you feel. I wanted to know what OW looked like so I wouldn't ever be standing next to her in a grocery line, not knowing who she was. She knew who I was because before the EA started, WH proudlly showed her and her "people" pictures of his family (he was living away from home)...I found pics of OW and her family by secretly accessing her front page on FB.

She was very cute, 15 years younger, and I tried to sear her face into my memory. (I'm not bad looking, and am not overweight...but she is all that I am looks wise, more athletic and 15 years younger...uggh.)

A year after learning what she looked like, I find out after the fact that I was sitting right next to her somewhere and didn't recognize her. H knew it because he saw her as he was walking up to meet me.

All I remembered about the incident was that I saw an attractive young woman talking quietly with her children when I came and sat down next to them. Next, I saw my husband and daughter walking up to me and soon after the young woman and her children were gone.

When H told me a week later that OW had been at the same place we were, and that I had sat down right next to her I felt like an idiot...OW and H saw each other and avoided each other, and I was "out of the know" until H got the courage to tell me. I bet they were both scared to death I might recognize her. That's why OW left so quickly.

Long story short: knowing how OP looks isn't the answer. WH or WW upholding NC under any and all circumstances is all that matters.

traditoperanni posted 6/12/2013 16:50 PM

Well, I sure want to know!
The ow that my fwh had a 37 yr PA/EA
is just a blur to me. I need a face.
Short of going to her work place and probably be escorted out for stalking,
I don't know what to do. Tried facebook
no luck. It just pisses me off that this OW has been in my life for 37 yrs and I don't even know what she looks like. So wrong.

njgal480 posted 6/12/2013 17:08 PM

I felt the same as Hurtbuthopeful....I needed to know what this woman looked like.

I did not want to find out later that she was standing next to me in line somewhere and I did not know it was her.

I was able to find a number of pics of her and so I feel confident that I would recognize her if she was lurking somewhere.

And...she is a lurker.

After d-day I found out that the MOW/co-worker had shown up at MY father's funeral!

This was during the LTA and she got a number of my FWH's co-workers to go with her to 'show support' for my FWH!

Who goes to a co-worker's father in law's funeral?

Well...apparently MOW did.

I suspect she only went to stalk me and see what our family looked like.

I still feel that was a huge invasion of privacy and very disrespectful on her part.

I was able to tell her that when I spoke to her after d-day.
She, of course, denied that her intention in going was anything other than good...

anyway... for this reason and others I needed to know who she was.

I know another BS that felt this way and ended up hiring a PI (with her FWH's permission) to get a photo of the OW.

So... I 'get' why you feel this way.

happierdays posted 6/12/2013 18:05 PM

I can totally understand where you're coming from and your need to know what OM looks like. For me, I need to know what OW looks like, to know what my enemy looks like, to know what the competition was, that sort of thing. I also wanted to know who exactly she was so that in our small town I wouldn't be blindsided by a meeting at some point.

Knowing posted 6/13/2013 07:17 AM

Knowing what the OW looks like doesn't help. In the long run it's not about them. They could have been anyone. They are truly insignificant. It's a head game.

Ashland13 posted 6/13/2013 07:40 AM

The last post is really something I agree with, though the all answers make sense.

Unfortunately, I stumbled upon OW's photo either by accident or subconscious and not conscious looking and it caused me an emotional set back for a long while. She has things that match me but also is ginormous and I've heard some theories from counselors on this I find interesting.

For a time, Perv was searching almost maniacally for any flaws he could find on me and the theory is that a weight problem is an immediate flaw he can see all the time. It helped calm me down to hear that and I agreed with it and it was from an MC we shared and from an IC as well.

Anyway...I wish I didn't know what she looks like, because some of my daytime waking dreams or images are of her. She invaded my home through cyber space and her image invades my mind, with this cackling laughter at my expense and difficulties. I have these bizarre images of her holding Perv in a bird-type cage and other things.

So my long-winded reply is to say that in some ways I wish I did not know what the monster looks like. For some reason, it seems to be a curiosity and an obsession for some people.

The last post is something that took me a long time of soul searching and counseling to realize. OW is just a factor of Perv's behavior and if it wasn't this one, there would be another one. She is in essence a stranger to me who owes me nothing, and I owe her nothing, though emotions say otherwise.

DNA testing of our children has come up and I suspect it's OW and her tribe that are pushing Perv to do it, or Perv trying to say he didn't cheat on her with his own wife.

It is rather costly, just you know, Reunite, and I've heard it's over $1000.

I have similar issues as you might be having, where the pieces of the horrible puzzle I don't have seem to be the ones that remain with me longer.

I'm sorry for your trouble and wish you peace.

ReunitePangea posted 6/13/2013 07:50 AM

Thank you for all of your replies and insight. Many of the things some of you have said are the reasons for the last 8 months I have been able to deal with not knowing. Your right, he doesn't matter. Your right, it doesn't take the hurt away, it just creates a different hurt to focus on. Your right, maybe once I know I will wish I didn't know.

Here is the thing though, I just find myself continuing to obsess over not knowing. Maybe having to know what he looks like is just part of the process to get through this mess. By not knowing, I have just created an obstacle that is not allowing me to get past. I have spent 8 months completely trying to not focus on the OM who spent 12+ years with my WW. He knows who I am, he knows what I look like, he had been in my house, he knows lots of info about my kids & family, if we passed each other on the street he would know exactly who I was. Yet I don't even know what this POS looks like. I know his name and that is about it. At times not knowing what he looks like makes it just seam like you have just awaken from a very bad dream and are trying to picture who you were dreaming about but can't quite picture their face anymore. I am a BS that at times just would like to rugsweep this mess all away, I need to remind myself I am not dreaming and this isnt going to go away after a few minutes of awaken consciousness.

My problem is I have no way of getting it unless I go the way NJgal suggested someone else did and that is hire a PI. It might be what I end up doing.

Phoenix1 posted 6/13/2013 07:55 AM

I have a face for one of three OW. The thought of faces for the other two have really just become passing thoughts because "they" are not important to me nor are they the problem, they are just the unfortunate choices he made. They were diversions for him and could have been anyone. One is older than me, one about the same age, and one younger. He is not in contact with any of them after each D-day. Sometimes I dwell on it and do some searching online, but two are not active online. I just remind myself they are just not important to me or worth my time and energy.

lost_in_toronto posted 6/13/2013 08:03 AM

I understand how difficult this is. I have known what the OW looks like since dday, and I haven't stopped obsessing over her since. I'm not sure it has helped me answer any questions, just caused me to ask more.

I'm really not sure that knowing or not knowing is better; I guess what it comes to is deciding what you can live with.

If this were me, I would write everything I am feeling about this down on a piece of paper, and put it into an envelope. Then I would try and wait at least six months before opening it. If I still felt the same about the issue, I'd probably hire the PI and do what I could to answer my questions.


ETA - this is how I handled some of the harder questions I had about the A. Some I still wanted answers for six months later; some I couldn't even wait the six months before I found myself asking. And others....just blew away of the course of R.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 8:05 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

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