The problem is that the OM now lives far away, we have a successful NC in place, he seems to not be present anywhere I look online that I can find a photo, and my WW has no photos or anything of him. For more than 12 years he was part of her life but I could walk right past him on the street and never know it was him.
I think the other reason I struggle with this is based on the fatherhood of me kids. She tells me that I am absolutely their biological father and I will admit they look very much like me. However, if I don't know what he even looks like what good is that evidence? I know a dna test can fix that but I am not sure I want to do that.
If it had been someone more attractive? I would have been just as hurt.
If it's an issue of paternity and it will haunt you, figure out if you want that test. My H questioned the paternity of one of his son's with his exW but he never got a test because...it's his son, you know? If you can live with what the outcome is, then do the test. But it might mean that you aren't a biological father to a child and that could cause more harm than good.
I wish I had never seen her.
[This message edited by sisoon at 2:03 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
She was very cute, 15 years younger, and I tried to sear her face into my memory. (I'm not bad looking, and am not overweight...but she is all that I am looks wise, more athletic and 15 years younger...uggh.)
A year after learning what she looked like, I find out after the fact that I was sitting right next to her somewhere and didn't recognize her. H knew it because he saw her as he was walking up to meet me.
All I remembered about the incident was that I saw an attractive young woman talking quietly with her children when I came and sat down next to them. Next, I saw my husband and daughter walking up to me and soon after the young woman and her children were gone.
When H told me a week later that OW had been at the same place we were, and that I had sat down right next to her I felt like an idiot...OW and H saw each other and avoided each other, and I was "out of the know" until H got the courage to tell me. I bet they were both scared to death I might recognize her. That's why OW left so quickly.
Long story short: knowing how OP looks isn't the answer. WH or WW upholding NC under any and all circumstances is all that matters.
I did not want to find out later that she was standing next to me in line somewhere and I did not know it was her.
I was able to find a number of pics of her and so I feel confident that I would recognize her if she was lurking somewhere.
And...she is a lurker.
After d-day I found out that the MOW/co-worker had shown up at MY father's funeral!
This was during the LTA and she got a number of my FWH's co-workers to go with her to 'show support' for my FWH!
Who goes to a co-worker's father in law's funeral?
Well...apparently MOW did.
I suspect she only went to stalk me and see what our family looked like.
I still feel that was a huge invasion of privacy and very disrespectful on her part.
I was able to tell her that when I spoke to her after d-day.
She, of course, denied that her intention in going was anything other than good...
anyway... for this reason and others I needed to know who she was.
I know another BS that felt this way and ended up hiring a PI (with her FWH's permission) to get a photo of the OW.
So... I 'get' why you feel this way.
We are in R.
Unfortunately, I stumbled upon OW's photo either by accident or subconscious and not conscious looking and it caused me an emotional set back for a long while. She has things that match me but also is ginormous and I've heard some theories from counselors on this I find interesting.
For a time, Perv was searching almost maniacally for any flaws he could find on me and the theory is that a weight problem is an immediate flaw he can see all the time. It helped calm me down to hear that and I agreed with it and it was from an MC we shared and from an IC as well.
Anyway...I wish I didn't know what she looks like, because some of my daytime waking dreams or images are of her. She invaded my home through cyber space and her image invades my mind, with this cackling laughter at my expense and difficulties. I have these bizarre images of her holding Perv in a bird-type cage and other things.
So my long-winded reply is to say that in some ways I wish I did not know what the monster looks like. For some reason, it seems to be a curiosity and an obsession for some people.
The last post is something that took me a long time of soul searching and counseling to realize. OW is just a factor of Perv's behavior and if it wasn't this one, there would be another one. She is in essence a stranger to me who owes me nothing, and I owe her nothing, though emotions say otherwise.
DNA testing of our children has come up and I suspect it's OW and her tribe that are pushing Perv to do it, or Perv trying to say he didn't cheat on her with his own wife.
It is rather costly, just you know, Reunite, and I've heard it's over $1000.
I have similar issues as you might be having, where the pieces of the horrible puzzle I don't have seem to be the ones that remain with me longer.
I'm sorry for your trouble and wish you peace.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Here is the thing though, I just find myself continuing to obsess over not knowing. Maybe having to know what he looks like is just part of the process to get through this mess. By not knowing, I have just created an obstacle that is not allowing me to get past. I have spent 8 months completely trying to not focus on the OM who spent 12+ years with my WW. He knows who I am, he knows what I look like, he had been in my house, he knows lots of info about my kids & family, if we passed each other on the street he would know exactly who I was. Yet I don't even know what this POS looks like. I know his name and that is about it. At times not knowing what he looks like makes it just seam like you have just awaken from a very bad dream and are trying to picture who you were dreaming about but can't quite picture their face anymore. I am a BS that at times just would like to rugsweep this mess all away, I need to remind myself I am not dreaming and this isnt going to go away after a few minutes of awaken consciousness.
My problem is I have no way of getting it unless I go the way NJgal suggested someone else did and that is hire a PI. It might be what I end up doing.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
I'm really not sure that knowing or not knowing is better; I guess what it comes to is deciding what you can live with.
If this were me, I would write everything I am feeling about this down on a piece of paper, and put it into an envelope. Then I would try and wait at least six months before opening it. If I still felt the same about the issue, I'd probably hire the PI and do what I could to answer my questions.
ETA - this is how I handled some of the harder questions I had about the A. Some I still wanted answers for six months later; some I couldn't even wait the six months before I found myself asking. And others....just blew away of the course of R.
[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 8:05 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]