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Why bother with "why"?

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JKL Vikings posted 6/12/2013 12:59 PM

Just wanted to share a little of what I've learned, now 4 years out from D-day.
Besides my tagline, the other thing I always tell my sons and my students is :There's a METHOD to my madness.
Getting to the why DOES NOT excuse the affair. "We know it's wrong going in, we're straight NOW so let's just move on."
1. The only way OUT IS through. Things that are not addressed fester, grow bigger and are that much more difficult to deal with. You have to get THROUGH to get "over it" or "move on"
2. Getting to the why is finding that broken part that made it "OK" for us to cheat. What was going on in us at the time? To borrow from Henry David Thoreau, we need to "hack at the ROOT and not the leaves"
3. For our sake and our BSes, we need to have a plan in place. Issues in our relationships didn't CAUSE us to stray. It was our messed up way of DEALING with them that did this. The plan can be as simple or elaborate as you like. Just have it ready and be able to execute if/when we get tested.
We and our BSes will have much greater peace of mind if we are better prepared. This also shows something else important to our BSes healing: Actions that are in line with our words.

authenticnow posted 6/12/2013 14:20 PM

Yep. Gotta agree with you on all of that.

Good work .

stilllovinghim posted 6/12/2013 16:59 PM

Where's that little clapping guy at?

Very well written.

badchoice posted 6/12/2013 17:34 PM

Awesome post.

Actions that are in line with our words.

My BW still tells me this. A reminder to me my word, and not my feelings.


PauLLing posted 6/14/2013 03:59 AM

Thank you for your wise words - I am now seeing an excellent IC who is helping me uncover the reasons to my lifelong coping mechanisms and putting them into context. BS and I have also just started with an amazing MC who posed the "why" question from day one .... and next week we will be investigating it in detail.

I may not have all the answers but knowing this exercise is coming is helping me to focus on this aspect of our journey. (Maybe that should be exorcise as I feel that is what has to be done!)
We fully want to R but I am struggling with putting my thoughts out there in the knowledge that I will cause more pain. I know we have to go through this and I need to change - and I will - but I am scared nonetheless

HUFI-PUFI posted 6/14/2013 04:16 AM

Sometimes short messages have all the wisdom you need. LOL ... JKL ... you have come a long way since you first showed up here.


NewAttitude - stop thinking of yourself as a barrel and start thinking of yourself as a well. We are all wells with unplumbed depths that are hidden and ready to be tapped for reserve during bad and stressful situations. Don't limit yourself by imaging you are a barrel. You are a well and you can dig in and go as deep and far as she needs you to. There is no end to our abilities.

JKL Vikings posted 9/30/2013 10:59 AM


cantaccept posted 9/30/2013 14:29 PM

Thanks for the bump JKL.


I try to explain this but I have never been able to so clearly and eloquently.

The actions, the effort, that is what would give me hope. To me that says, " I care, I am trying".

To not act, says to me, "I really don't care, you are not, we are not worth the effort".

Change, self awareness is crucial. It has been crucial for me to learn about myself and change. I need, not just want, but need to see the effort. Even if the change is slow to come, I understand how hard it is to really change, but the continued effort means so much.

The effort allows me to feel empathy. The effort allows me to encourage. The effort allows me to relax a bit, only because it proves the desire.

NoGoodUsername posted 9/30/2013 19:26 PM


The purpose of all the introspection, the work, the words is to get it right going forward.

sosorry5454rl posted 10/1/2013 21:26 PM

Well said

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