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I need the right words...

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karmahappens posted 6/12/2013 13:06 PM

My MIL just called me. I haven't talked to her since she and my FIL informed me that They will be stepping in to help my adult son with his bills....

I know she is going to say something about the situation and I really don't want to hear it.

I need a line....

I was going to say

"Son and MIL/FIL are both adults, I do not have any control over your relationship as you are all adults, so whatever you decide to do is your business and I/we do not want any part of it"

Good enough? Rude?

I thought maybe a simple "fuck off" might be better.


I need to get to a point of not caring about what they do...but my heart just keeps pulling me in.

jrc1963 posted 6/12/2013 13:19 PM


Me, Myself and I would go with "Fuck off" but that might backfire.

I would just explain that when it comes to you and your adult son and them... it's an off-limits conversation.

Sad in AZ posted 6/12/2013 13:32 PM

"H & I have made our position very clear. We will not discuss this further."

Heartless Bytchh posted 6/12/2013 13:44 PM

I think how you respond depends on what type of reaction she's looking for. Is she looking for gushing thank yous for helping your son? Is she doing it to twist the knife in your back that you're not helping him? Is it to show you she's such a wonderful caring family member?
Motive means everything here.

Probably the best response would be a dismissive "Oh, how nice" and then a move forward statement like for instance, "were you aware that tea in China is getting more expensive?"...

That's like saying IDGAF and FOAD all at once, KWIM?

That makes you the winner.

simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 13:51 PM

I think Sad nailed it. In my frame of mind today the best thing I could come up with is to say "What? I can't hear you. What?" as loud as I could. But that wouldn't be good.


authenticnow posted 6/12/2013 13:53 PM

I think what SadinAz said is best.

In similar situations I have said things like, 'H and I have been doing what we've thought was best with DS. You handle it the way you see fit, but your relationship with him doesn't involve me, obviously you need to do what you're comfortable with.'

But as I hear it in my head it seems like you don't even have to say that much.

I think Sad has the right idea.

karmahappens posted 6/12/2013 15:14 PM

Sad, you did nail it, but I had to leave work and I called her as I left...because I think AN and I were separated at birth I essentially said this

'H and I have been doing what we've thought was best with DS. You handle it the way you see fit, but your relationship with him doesn't involve me, obviously you need to do what you're comfortable with.'

I laughed when I saw your response AN, cuz thats what I told her...

Thanks everyone. She actually called to tell me they would not be giving him the money for court

They paid his car insurance one day last week and he was supposed to go over the next day...he didn't return.


I told her it wasn't a matter of being right and that she and FIL had to get to this place on their own.

She then went on to apologize for calling the way they did and said if we needed their support we had it.

Knock me over with a feather....

I am still sad for my son and his choices, but at least there is hope he will find his way.

Thank you so much for your support, it means the world to me.

ETA: They are still borderline assholes, it will take more than this to erase the nickname

[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:16 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

GabyBaby posted 6/12/2013 15:17 PM

I like Sad's response as well.
Short and very direct.

If they try to talk over you and bring it up again, simply repeat the same line.
If you have to repeat yourself more than twice, feel free to hang up.

GabyBaby posted 6/12/2013 15:18 PM

We cross posted, Karma, but that's great news!

authenticnow posted 6/12/2013 15:23 PM

Yes Karma, I do believe we are .

And I'm glad they were reasonable and affirmed what you already knew, not that you needed that from them but I'm sure it was good to hear.

As always, sending hugs and support.

Amazonia posted 6/12/2013 15:23 PM

Best update ever!

Sad in AZ posted 6/12/2013 18:56 PM

Well, I can't say that I'm happy, because this isn't that type of situation, but you had the best possible outcome. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for further good outcomes

nowiknow23 posted 6/12/2013 19:47 PM

Wow. I have to say, Karma, kudos to her for having the guts to call and say all that. I didn't expect you would EVER hear that, based on the way she and FIL talked to you previously.

I hope beyond all hope that your son gets his shit together.


karmahappens posted 6/13/2013 09:36 AM

Oh Sad...I know. As much as my in laws getting it is huge the pain my son causes us and himself is so sad.

We did find out this morning they are having a baby girl.

He doesn't even seem to care and I feel like I am torn in a million different directions.

He is trashing his life one step at a time and all I can do is watch.

My heart breaks for this baby. She deserves a daddy that believes she is the world.

I hope he finds his way through this and to her.

Thanks everyone

LA44 posted 6/15/2013 19:37 PM

Glad she apologized to you karma. You were BIG about it too with your response.

I really hope your son finds his way.


fallingquickly posted 6/16/2013 00:20 AM

Wow. I'm impressed with your in-laws that they got it so quickly. I'm even more impressed with how you've handled it. There is nothing more difficult than knowing when not helping your child is the best thing you can do for them and then following through with it.


karmahappens posted 6/16/2013 10:39 AM

Thanks guys. Definitely the most difficult sitch we have ever been through. Emotionally draining and has the potential to rip a family apart.

We try so hard to consider what's best and do the right thing.
I appreciate the support.

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