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madscotsman419 posted 6/12/2013 13:15 PM

my wife of 12 years has been talking to a guy on line for the past 2 years and then they hooked up this past jan. i found out three weeks ago. she was willing to walk out on our children and myself like we no longer mattered to her. i love my wife with all my heart. its hard to let go of the lies and deception. we both want to save our marriage but its so hard to move on. if i ask her a question she answers it but dont offer anything up unless i ask her.

Deeply Scared posted 6/12/2013 13:19 PM


My first question is...has she ended all contact with the OM?

simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 13:21 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you're in the right place.

Your wife has to give you complete transparency. She must give you all her passwords, give you access to her phone and email. Everything. If she won't give you any more information other than what you ask try asking her for a complete timeline. Tell her you want each and every detail (or as much as you're able to handle) written out.

This is going to be a long rollercoaster ride for you. For your sake, I hope she shows you sincere remorse and does all the hard work needed so you can heal from this.

Welcome to the board.

Also, read through the healing library in the upper left corner in the yellow box. There is a TON of great information there.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 1:22 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

madscotsman419 posted 6/12/2013 13:33 PM

thank you for the input. i first found out in jan of 2011. she was talkin to him on fb. she swore then that it was done and over with. i knew something was wrong in my marriage but didnt kno what or how bad it really was. she set up a new email just for him. they exchanged over 3000 emails in the past 2 yrs. now she wants me to believe its really done and over with for good with him. how do i know??????

simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 13:35 PM

Do you have access to her email accounts?

2married2quit posted 6/12/2013 13:38 PM

100% transparency. That's got to be your requirement.

madscotsman419 posted 6/12/2013 13:43 PM

i have access to nothing her life is password protected. she claims she needs her privacy.

2married2quit posted 6/12/2013 13:46 PM

madscotsman419 - You should read some of the stuf on the Healing Library. There's some suggestions that would help your R.

Nature_Girl posted 6/12/2013 13:55 PM

No, what she's claiming she needs is SECRECY. Not privacy. Privacy is when you close the bathroom door while you use the toilet. Secrecy is what she's doing, keeping information from you.

confused615 posted 6/12/2013 14:04 PM


Im sorry..but she is still cheating. Put a keylogger on her computer(as long as it's not work issued). You'll probably have confirmation she is still having the affair within 24 hours.

Im sorry.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/12/2013 14:12 PM

Posting here is a good place to start. For me, R is only possibility definitely not a sure thing because we're both going to marriage counselling and independent counselling.

Sorry, at nearly four months from d-day that's all I have for you.

Stay strong.

Gipper posted 6/12/2013 14:35 PM

What Nature_Girl said. My WW did this as well. Buckle up, friend.

simplydevastated posted 6/12/2013 14:38 PM

i have access to nothing her life is password protected. she claims she needs her privacy.

She has shown you what she does with her "privacy." She chose to break her vows to you, now she needs to give you her passwords. Otherwise it's a fairly safe assumption that she is still in contact with her OM.

Get a keylogger for the computer. At this point I feel that will be your only option to get the information you need.

She is not showing you remorse at this point.


[This message edited by simplydevastated at 2:40 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/12/2013 15:08 PM

You cannot even begin to fix/repair your marriage because your marriage is broken. It is possible that you may find a way to reconcile, but if you do you'll be creating a new relationship, essentially, with different expectations & responsibilities. You cannot and should not pretend nothing happened or act as if everything is wonderful. That's just denial & rug-sweeping, and it won't get you anywhere. Well, maybe it will get you a few more years down the road before you discover more infidelity on her part.

For now there needs to be total, brutal openness & transparency on the part of your wife. You, the BS, cannot begin to know if you can forgive her or if you even want to try to reconcile if you don't know exactly what's happened. How can you work on what you don't know is wrong? How can she fix herself if she won't admit what's wrong with her?

Something else: cheaters lie. They lie, they lie, they lie. We had a discussion here not too long ago about the bald-faced lying and lengths of deception our WS's went to in order to keep us BS's in the dark. We've watched as our WS's looked us right in the eyes and sworn on our children's lives that there's no cheating going on. Or that we know all there is to know. Our WS's have sobbed & drooled & blown lots of snot into tissues as they acted like remorseful spouses who only want another chance. Only, of course, they were lying. None of it was true. Or only a tiny bit was true, but left the rest of it a lie. So please don't automatically believe anything, ANYTHING, your wife tells you about her state of mind, desire to reconcile, or the lack of an ongoing relationship with another man (or heck, another woman). You need to gather your own information and come to your own conclusions.

callmecrazy posted 6/12/2013 15:23 PM

In a healthy marriage, privacy is for pooping and less than desirable physical issues (hiding a pimple on the butt...plucking hairs that shouldn't be where they r, not trimming up the south of the border in front of eachother) Thats it. Period. End of Story. And...even those are not always private.
She needs to let go of her privacy a/k/a secrets. How can she expect you to be okay w that...she had privacy, she lost that right.

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