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Ex leaving messages for the kids

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Lola2kids posted 6/12/2013 13:21 PM

Ex just got back from yet another trip to see MOW.
He never told me or the kids he was leaving.
I got an email meant for MOW with the name and address of the hotel and a cute little schmoopie line in his language.

Anyway, I knew he was coming back Monday. He saw the kids last Sunday June 2. He has not called or seen them since.
He called yesterday (I have call display for just this reason) and since the kids were having a playdate with a friend I let it go to the machine. The new phone I have just displays "Screening?" on the display but I have tried and read the manual and can't figure out how to hear the message and actually screen the calls.

I listened to the message later and it went like this:
"Hi Girls, it's Daddy. I just wanted to call to see how you are and maybe talk to you a little bit. I'll call later. Bye."

First of all. It's my phone. I check the messages, not them. Normally when we had the other phone he would do the "Hello, Hello, is anyone there, pick up", bit.

I think it's rude to leave messages like this on my phone. Also, he never called later like he said he would.

I would do this:
"Hi, Lola, it's me. I'm leaving this message for the girls, can you make sure they hear it?"

Really, he's pretending like I don't exist. I know in his mind I don't exist anymore and I actually like it that way. But, I still have to co-parent (such that it is with calls once a week) with this a-hole.

I don't know.
Am I over reacting?

thenon-goddess posted 6/12/2013 13:36 PM

When you say he is calling *your* phone, do you mean cell phone or house phone? If it's house phone, I think the message is fine. My kids dad has left messages like that for them and I just let them hear the message.

Lola2kids posted 6/12/2013 13:38 PM

It's the house phone.
I guess he thinks they can hear it and I'm just not answering.
It rubbed me the wrong way and his mother does the same thing as well (leaves a message for the girls in her language).
The kids don't know how to check or retrieve the message.

I guess I want to know if I'm "obligated" to make sure they hear the message.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

turned123 posted 6/12/2013 13:44 PM

If the message is supportive and loving then yes I think you should make a point of them hearing it.

Nature_Girl posted 6/12/2013 13:52 PM

I don't play the messages STBX leaves on the machine because the entire phone call situation leaves the kids anxious. There are times I can't even get them to leave the house "because Daddy might call and we wouldn't be here!". He wants the kids home, sitting by the phone every night waiting for him to call. Screw that.

Dreamboat posted 6/12/2013 14:06 PM

I do think you are overreacting a bit. He was calling to talk to them, not you. So he left a message for them, on the phone that he usually uses to talk to them. Your kids are not toddlers, they are middle elementary aged and conceivably could listen to messages on their own.

And yes, you are obligated to allow them to hear the message that their father left for them. Don't be the mother that puts roadblocks up in your children's relationship with their father because their father is an ass.

FirstLoveGone posted 6/12/2013 18:18 PM

Ditto everything Dreamboat said.

I know it's hard to put up with them even if they are doing the right thing.

Ashland13 posted 6/12/2013 18:41 PM

This is very tricky and happens here, too.

Perv has, at times, left messages on the house phone for DD and yes, it's like she lives here all by herself!

FWIW, my mother also does it and in the back of my mind I wonder about the NPD factor they both have, trying to get through a possible boundary (me).

I am struggling with the whole father's rights thing because of the A and abandonment, lies and all the rest, yet because of law, he still gets to be a parent, but pick and choose?

However, I have to chime in and agree with dreamboat and say that it could be very negative consequences to not let the messages go to your kids, Lola. If it were my law, I wouldn't have him anywhere near DD, but it would be considered interference or some such to not let them communicate and could bode badly for you in future.

Yes, DD here is frantic about missing those calls and I've told her it's all right to have our own lives.

I think it's a little bit of PTSD that we sometimes suffer from being abandoned and the other A stuff.

SBB posted 6/13/2013 03:01 AM

I've left messages for the girls on the sad clown's phone. I will never leave a message on a phone for him because I don't talk to him.

I think I've had a message once from him for the girls when he missed their goodnight call or he was cancelling it or something. I played it for them.

What I would do is ask him to only call to speak to them between X and X (a 15 min window) then they can take his call and you don't have to hear his POS voice.

Lola2kids posted 6/13/2013 07:23 AM

Thanks all for the advice.

I told them Daddy called to talk to them, left a message, but we were busy with the play date.

Didn't tell them he said he would call later. Good thing I didn't. He hasn't called back yet.

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