"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

determined99 posted 6/12/2013 14:53 PM

Does anyone have experience contacting the OW? Is it best to write a letter? Face to face meeting? I really need to see if my WS has been telling the truth. Plus I want to know about her sexual history. Can anyone share experiences? I don't want to be hurt again but want to meet her since I have never seen her.

brokenblackbird posted 6/12/2013 15:03 PM

Do you think the OW will be more honest with you than the person who promised to love, honor and cherish you?

determined99 posted 6/12/2013 15:18 PM

Well, he broke those vows so how can I believe anything he says? If I am going to move forward and save my marriage I need to know that I have full story.

LoveActually posted 6/12/2013 15:21 PM

Please don't do it. You will be putting her in a place of power in your life--she could devastate you. She isn't going to tell you the truth. Her main goal would be to make sure you are miserable and do what she can to further ruin your marriage. Make your spouse take a polygraph, couples therapy, anything but allowing her into your marriage again or giving her that thrill. Take care of you now--protect you.

Jospehine85 posted 6/12/2013 15:22 PM

(((determined99)))

I am sorry. I know you are desperate for the truth, but stop a moment and think.

You want to ask someone who you already know has no integrity, no shame, is deceitful and lies to tell you the truth about what they did with your WH.

Nothing that comes out of her mouth can be believed.

Even if she THINKS she is telling the truth, it is her version of reality and may be completely different than your WH's perception.

Worst case scenario, she lies and tells you things simply to destroy you or she attacks you or she refuses to talk to you.

Imagine how much worse you will feel if she does that. During the A she had power over your life and the ability to destroy it, yet you didn't even know she existed so you couldn't stop her. Why would you now willingly hand that power to her?

What is different now? Why would she not want to destroy you now, but had no problems doing it before?

brokenblackbird posted 6/12/2013 15:23 PM

Not very many of us get the full story. We either decide to live with what we know, or we leave.

My point in asking that question was: you are going to believe a woman who did not make vows to you? A woman who slept with a married man? That is who you are pinning your trust to?

The OW lie to show themselves in the best light. It isn't very often that an OW is going to be completely honest with you about what happened. So then you are left wondering what to believe.

Some people have contacted the OW in their lives and I hope they'll be along to share their stories. They aren't very positive, I'm afraid...

ifinallyfoundme posted 6/12/2013 15:26 PM

I talked to her over the phone with my spouse. If you do a one on one she will lie.
Also emotions will be high? Are you prepared for something physical?

NoraLee posted 6/12/2013 15:27 PM

I contacted ow and it was the worst thing I could've done. She belittled me, tried to shame ME! And criticized me.

OW will lie, manipulate and damage you even worse than you are now. My contact with my H's dream whore is the last thing I can't get over - after 9 months of successful R...

m334455 posted 6/12/2013 15:29 PM

Do not do it.

Having said that, I e-mailed her. We were close friends for 6+ years and I had compelling but not rock-solid evidence, but I knew she'd throw WH under the bus. Which she did.

So, there were other reasons. But, my emotions were high and I wrote things I now regret. And by that I mean I was too nice.

whatdoto posted 6/12/2013 15:30 PM

ditto to Noralee

Don't do it.

Expose the A to her BS. That's how you play the game. Also, please take care of yourself. Read up on the 180 also.

((determined99))

1Faith posted 6/12/2013 15:30 PM

From the Healing Library

Q: Should I contact the OW/OM? Should I contact the OWH/ OMW?

A: Contacting the OP is one of those questions that people on SI are really split on. I'll try to summarize both camps of thought for you here. Note that my remarks here do not refer to an OP who is not a close friend of the BS. This is a different situation and will be addressed elsewhere in the FAQ.

One reason the BS may want to contact the OP is to try to get the facts of the affair straight. For instance, a BS doesn't trust that his/her spouse is telling the truth, so they choose to contact the OP for more details. Another reason is so the BS can tell the OP off. In some cases, the BS contacts the OP to make sure that the OP knows that the WS is married or involved in a relationship.

Those who recommend the BS not contact the OP do so generally because the OP really is irrelevant to your marriage or relationship. While it may seem that the OP is your enemy and someone you have to conquer, it's really not true. The OP isn't even a real person in regard to the affair -- he or she is, in many ways, a figment of your spouse's imagination. And, of course, you have to remember that the OP is most likely a liar as well; he or she may be cheating on a spouse or significant other. Why would you believe anything that this person tells you? And to contact the OP to give him or her a piece of your mind is just a waste of your time and gives the OP way too much power over you. Finally, many BS's on SI have had very hurtful and disturbing discussions with the OP and for this reason they recommend that you not enter into a discourse with him or her.

Those who suggest that contacting the OP is a good idea do so for reasons of closure and to use the conversation as an opportunity to get some information that you may not be getting from your spouse. The OP may be able to give you better details about timelines than your WS. The OP may not know that the WS is married and will feel deceived by your WS when he or she finds out the truth from you. Some BS's felt that a final discussion with the OP gave them a sense of closure that they needed.

In my own case, I contacted the OW after I found out about my H's first EA with her. She was mortified at what they had done; she cried and promised me she would never speak to my H again. When I found out about their second EA/PA two and a half years later, I didn't bother calling her. What good would it do? She knew he was married and she had broken her original promise to me. I figured it would be a waste of my time to speak with her again.

What I did do brings me to the second part of this question: whether to contact the OP's spouse. On this issue people on SI are far less split. The general consensus is not only that the BS should contact the OP's H or W, but that the BS MUST do so. It's a matter of doing for someone else (the OP's BS) what you would have wanted others to do for you. This is not an issue of wanting revenge or to hurt another person, but rather an issue of fairness to the OP's BS. Additionally, contacting the OP's BS removes the secrecy from the affair, and since affairs thrive on secrecy and deception, it will damage the affair. I chose to contact the OW's H immediately out of a sense of self preservation because I figured that if he knew my own marriage would have a better chance of surviving the affair.

I also did it out of a sense of guilt because I never contacted him the first time (I let my WS talk me out of it) and I wasn't going to make that mistake again. Oftentimes your WS will try to convince you not to contact the OP's H or W. Your WS will tell you that it's wrong to involve others or may even try to tell you that the OP is a battered spouse and is afraid for their safety. Again, the general consensus on SI is that the abused spouse line is an excuse commonly used by WS's and should not be believed. And the part about not involving other people - of course you realize that the OP's H or W is already involved and that telling him or her is only fair.

Just think about what it is you want to know and know that she will most likely not be 100% honest with you, if she is brave enough to meet/communicate with you at all.

I would recommend an email or phone call over a personal meeting because this is very emotional and personal. It could get ugly and I would hate for you to put yourself in that situation.

I know the feeling and the need to know everythng but sadly you never will. There is no way to know if you know everything. Human beings can withhold information. Just think about when you will know "enough" to move forward.

I know you are hurting and I am so sorry. Please look after you and keep posting.

We are all rooting for you.

(((hugs)))

ifinallyfoundme posted 6/12/2013 15:41 PM

I will also add, do you really want to have all of his garbage running around in your head. I wanted details at first but that's his sin and ultimately he will be the one dealing with it. You work on your healing and bringing joy into your life.

Lovedyoumore posted 6/12/2013 15:46 PM

Believe me, most BS have fantasies about contacting or confronting the AP. Listen to those who have gone before. 99% of the time, it is a disaster for the BS. Do you really want the whore to know you need her to validate your relationship with your H? The idea of the NC is for both of you. Unless the OW is putting herself in your face, let this go. Find another way to verify your H's words.

Just assume she has had sex with every man, woman and animal known to man. Both of you can be tested. Knowing her sexual history, even if she tells the truth is worthless. Use the resources here to find out how to get the info you need. I know a ridiculous amount about the OW and I am not that computer savvy. I have pictures from inside of her house, even one of my H at a party there, by looking at her friends FB pages. Once I googled her I found she lied about her work history, her timeline, etc.

If your H is not giving you what you need, have him read up from the resources here also. My H found them to be very helpful.

NC strangles the relationship so it dies. Do not give it life.

Lovedyoumore posted 6/12/2013 15:53 PM

I need to add....your H needs to give you a rough timeline. Look at it and decide if you want more detail. Keep having him add detail until it looks like the amount you need. I needed all the details. Every last one because I did not want some bitch living with more info than I had during that time period. But that is just me. You ask for as much as you want. He should give you everything you want in order to start healing the marriage. Every secret between my H and his OW was a wall for me. I had to have complete transparency , open windows all around.

sarahm49 posted 6/12/2013 15:59 PM

I say send her an email detailing that you know who she is, where she lives, that you are writing to her BS and that she is NOTHING! And she will NOT ruin your marriage.

What does everyone think of an email to the AP after 7 months telling her all the dirt you know about her that your WH has shared with you during the details stage. Such as the trailer trash clothes, tube top bras for easy removal, she has a fat face, fat neck, fat gut, she used her daughters (2) homes for sex with WH etc..
I sent an email to the BS about 8 weeks after D-day and now I just feel the need to let her know my H told me every nasty detail about her.

Basically I just want to tell her off and then shut down the email account.

jojo42 posted 6/12/2013 18:45 PM

After I caught wind of the extent of the affair, my WH said he would end it. I didn't trust him so I texted her. I was right- he hadn't drummed up the courage yet, so i ended it for him...he had lied to her quite a bit too about the state of our marriage...She did end up getting very nasty, mean, and then broke my window too, though, so that was fun....

Pippy posted 6/12/2013 19:04 PM

If you do meet with her, keep a hidden recorder, because you will want to check back.

I met OW who said gems like,"Shit happens". She chatted like she was my friend and she "Understood how hard this is."

I got the usual, "It just happened." bull and the rest of it was all lies.

Did I benefit from the meeting? I learned she loves my grandkids, so she will be good to them. I also learned she is an idiot and lost all respect for my ex.

My verdict is *shrug*. Would I do it again? NO.

solus sto posted 6/12/2013 19:19 PM

Don't do it-- no matter where you are on the healing spectrum. I did, and it invited nothing but pain. OW is as invested in protecting herself as your husband is invested in protecting himself (and her). The difference? She doesn't have any memory of dedication to you. So she'll be happy to share the most hurtful info in the most hurtful way.

Get the info from your husband. If he continues to withhold, consider that he might have gone underground.

Do tell her BS. But avoid OW at all costs.

Jospehine85 posted 6/12/2013 19:23 PM

Determined99,

I know you just recently found out about your WH's A. You are in shock. You probably feel numb. You know at the moment you can't trust anything coming out of WH's mouth because he is in damage control mode.

Now stop and think about that. Right now he is more concerned about damage control to HIM. Not you.

Have him read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair". If he doesnt' start "getting" the fact that he needs to be in healing mode for you and that doesn't allow for his damage control mode, then you aren't going to be in R and you aren't going to be emotionally safe in this marriage.

Please don't have any contact with the OW. She is most likely the one who sent you the anonymous email. She is out to hurt your marriage. You know this because she slept with your WH.

Do not give her this power. You want revenge? Right now treat her like she doesn't exist. That will piss her off like nothing else you do can. She sent that email because she wants to be acknowledged. She wants you to know her power. Don't acknowledge her and don't give her any power.

If you doubt what your WH has told you, post it here or in the I Can Relate Thread where WSs answer BSs questions. All the good people on SI with ALL their experience will weigh in and tell you if it sounds legit or if you need to keep digging.

Seriously, 100 brains that have been there done that will give you a far better/truer answer than anything you will get from OW.

Has your WH written a NC letter? Is he transparent with you? Do you have full access to his phone? Do you have passwords to all his email accounts, skype and facebook?

(((determined99))) Keep posting. We are here to support you.

musiclovingmom posted 6/12/2013 22:50 PM

I don't want to be hurt again

Contact with the OW in any form is inviting hurt and pain. 2 of my H's OW contacted me and I replied (one contacted to out the A and one because we were friends and she wanted to congratulate me on something - she didn't know I knew). I replied to both and had dialogue about the A's with both. Both were snotty and demeaning. Both pointed out all the ways I was to blame and they were absolutely blameless. One said it was a catch 22. One told me that she was just 'being a good friend' and that I obviously wasn't taking care of my man at home. Both called me names. One even continued to try and contact me for weeks after with snotty, baited messages intended to specifically cause me pain. If you are serious about not wanting to be hurt again, DO NOT contact the OW. Period.