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More "truth" about A. I am a lost fool.

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Markay81 posted 6/12/2013 16:13 PM

I am probably going to be all over the place in this post but I have to get all these thoughts in my head out. So please be patient with me. Found out more about my WH A just a couple days ago. That it started differently and before he had 1st admitted. The same with ending the A. But not from him. That's what makes me so angry. I feel like a fool. I had hope. He was showing remorse, being transparent, trying to help me through triggers and trying to understand and be patient with my emotional highs and lows. But when more info came to light it set me back even worse. Because none of this new info came from him. I had to play detective. I tried to explain I NEED the truth and I NEED it from him or I cant even think about us moving forward. He is doing all this stuff to show he wants to change and work it out but he is still a LIER! He only gives me info on things I already know. Or he says he honestly don't remember. Example: I asked about roughly when the A started. Im not expecting Well on Sep 1st at 1pm yadda yadda yadda. Just a rough time frame. He says "I honestly don't remember, I was working a lot". Yeah working so much he had time to live a double life, go to the bar, have an A. UGH I want to scream. Am I a complete idiot for having that little bit of hope at the beginning? I am so devastated. I feel like a complete fool for thinking he wanted this marriage as much as I do. I think he does want it don't get me wrong. He just still wants it on his terms, his lies, his way. He wants me to heal from this but it seems he wants me to do it on my own. I have tears running down my face as I type this. But if I have to heal myself by myself, I will be by myself. I will do what I can to save this marriage, to help build a better relationship. But I cant do that at this point without even a sliver of hope inside me. He took that from me when I found out more "truths". I guess Im just feeling like a lost fool right now.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/12/2013 16:16 PM


3kids30years posted 6/12/2013 16:27 PM

Oh Markey I so feel your pain.

My DD is the day before yours. I also keep getting TT. Not much info from him, unless I pull it out with pliers (at least it feels that way). I feel like a fool all the time. He told me "everything" about 2 months ago, except what i found out last week, and yesterday, and last night. I had a major breakdown last night. I'm not sure I can do this. I love him, but can't live with the lies. Don't they understand that we need to know what was going on in OUR LIVES!!! I also get the "I don't remember". Well you remembered to go to her house, to call and text her CONSTANTLY, and to tell her EVERYTHING. What about me? What about our kids? What about our marriage? I guess "you don't remember" us either.

Work on you, he needs to work on him. Go ahead and scream. It sometimes makes me feel better. I just do it when I'm alone, so I don't scare the kids


tushnurse posted 6/12/2013 16:36 PM

Many of us don't get the full truth on Dday or right after. The WS is just scrambling mentally trying to figure out how to hide what they have done, thinking that if we know the whole truth we will certainly leave, or lying is such a habit that they don't even realize they are lying.

Good for you for digging deeper, and finding out more. Have you approached him about it? If not, don't reveal your sources. He needs to own what he had done, but it takes time for many WS's to figure this out, and get it right.

It's normal for your feelings to be all over the place too. Try to figure out what you need for R. Once you do make it very clear of what you need from him to R. Then make sure he understands the consequences of not following through, and be prepared to follow through.

You will see many here will say you have to be willing to loose the M to save it, and it is very true.

Keep posting, take care of you, make sure you are eating, keeping hydrated, and sleeping. If you aren't then go to the Dr and get something to help you through this.

My other two things on the checklist for newbies are getting STD tested, and seeing a lawyer. I feel every BS should do this. You need to know and understand what will happen should he give up, or you decide to D. Knowledge is power, and power is strength.

((((and strength))))

confused615 posted 6/12/2013 16:47 PM

I found out 2.5 years after dday#1 that there was another PA/AP a few months before the one I found out about on dday#1.

Read my describes exactly how that/this feels.


TXBW68 posted 6/12/2013 17:26 PM

I found out about 2 more OW 6 weeks after he moved home from a 10 month separation. Of course I was/am upset about adding 2 more to the list. But what pissed me off most was that he lied.

I asked him in January (1 month before he moved home) if there were any others. He looked me in the eyes and said "No". In April, I find out about #2 and #3, plus other stuff like an old Ashley Madison account where HE was the single guy looking for married women!

I was mad that he let me fall in love with him again under false pretenses. So, now he's home and I'm 2 months out from DDay 2. He said that he didn't want to hurt me more by telling me. And this doesn't hurt?

I feel like an idiot for not noticing that he was screwing around for 6 years. Some days I question why I'm staying with him now. But since DDay 2, he has become the perfect remorseful husband. I really can't ask for much more from him now. He finally truly "gets" it. I stay because I love the man that he is today - not the evil monster he was last year during his EA/PA with OW#4.

Sending lots of hugs! Just wanted you to know you're not alone! TT happens to the best of us!

Althea posted 6/12/2013 18:35 PM

I got TT for four months. It is such a horrible thing to do to another person. At the time, I felt like it might be unforgivable. The silver lining for me was that it was what it took for me to be done. Done with fixing the marriage, done with trying to get him to engage in MC, done with him. I told him it was the straw that broke the camel's back, and it was. I fully expected to be divorced by our anniversary last week.

It was only after he realized that he was losing me that he started to change. I never expected it, and did a lot of letting him carry 110% of the weight of healing our marriage for a LONG time. I just watched. Watched and worked on healing myself. Who knows if it will work for you. I only know that if I hadn't gotten there my marriage would have been over, but more importantly I wouldn't have done the necessary healing that I needed.

lemony.2008 posted 6/13/2013 13:37 PM


I've received so many different versions of his multiple affairs that I have finally learned to accept that I will never know the truth. The acceptance truly saved my sanity and allowed me to heal.

Take care of your heart. Big hugs.

tabitha95 posted 6/13/2013 13:47 PM

I'm sorry. It was the same for me.

He gave me this really vague timeline of when it started and ended. None of it made sense. He kept blaming it on compartmentalizing.

Chefj9 posted 6/13/2013 13:50 PM

It was the same for me, I never did get the truth from WH. I had to get it from OW#1. It was horrible and humiliating....

You are not alone (((MarKay81)))

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