SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

3kids30years posted 6/12/2013 17:42 PM

Sent an email to my WH. We had lunch together today, but I am really hurting today.

Not sure where to turn, so here goes:

Hi Sweetie,

Just wanted to let you know that I love you. Very, very much. I am sorry that I start to doubt, especially late at night when you should be sleeping.
Sometimes my brain starts spinning and I can't get it to stop. I start thinking that I can't compare, can't over come, can't be what you want/need. I'm not sure what you need/want. I start thinking about the things you have told me, the things I have found out, the life you led without me. And it hurts. Deeply.

I want us to be able to move on, to heal, to laugh, love and smile. To be us again. I know it's hard, but I want you in my life. You are such a huge part of my life. I miss the fun we used to have, I miss the connection we used to have, I miss us. I worry that I'm trying to hard, that you aren't trying hard enough, that I won't be enough. That I'll wake up one morning and you'll be gone. If not physically, emotionally, mentally. I think that is why I wake up early now. To make sure you are still there.

When you tell me you love me, I believe you. But I also know that it's not enough. That it's only for now, not forever. That is gone. I miss it.
You say "I love you", and I hear in my head, "right now". I don't want to hear that anymore. I hear you say that you love the way I feel, and I hear in my head "right now". You hold me, and I know you held her the same way, told her the same things, loved her. The pain is enormous.

I need to stop that, I need to stop thinking that you said all the same things to her. That you told her you loved her, that you told me you loved her. Did you ever tell her you loved me? I doubt it. Only I got to hear that. You protected her. You didn't protect me. Would you protect me now? Are you still protecting her? What else don't I know? Just tell me. The finding out a little bit at a time is so painful, it is debilitating. I hurt more when I found out it was going on for over 2 years, that you spent so much time with her, that you think if her so often. That you would go to her place for lunch, that you planned to see her at work and at her place. That you planned to have sex with her. Often. It may not have worked out all the time, but you planned it. Looked forward to it, wanted it, wanted her. Not me. Each time, with each new admission, the pain starts again.

At lunch today, I had to ask you to sit next to me, I put my arm around you, rubbed your back, your shoulders. Played with your hair, caressed your thigh. I wanted you next to me. You didn't seem to want me there. I had to make an effort to stop. It's almost as bad as you actually stepping away. I feel like you step away, not physically, but mentally. You don't want me. Sometimes even at home, in bed together, I feel you slip away. And i know I can't make you stay.

I am so tired. Tired of asking you questions, tired of asking you for things, to do things, tired of wondering what I'll find out next. I am just so tired.

I love you, so much that it hurts sometimes. Sorry this is kinda all over. I just need to get some things out of my head. I hope this helps.

Conflicted1 posted 6/12/2013 18:00 PM

3k3y. What a bittersweet heartfelt letter. I can't imagine an SO wouldn't be moved to tears by it. It touched me. I do hope you get the response you deserve laden with words that can be applied like a magical healing salve for you hopeful loving spirit.

crazyblindsided posted 6/12/2013 18:06 PM

(((3kids30years)))

Wow it's amazing!!! It speaks from the broken heart of a BS. Your email made me cry. I often feel like 'why bother?' if I can't have things the way they were before. Things will never be the same again. I greive who I thought my WH was everyday.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:06 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 6/12/2013 18:26 PM

Are your shoes on my feet? I could have written that a several months ago. In early 2011 my FWH was living it up without me. I did find out while it was going on, but the rest of your life after DDay is mine. You will get better, but your H had better step up and give his all and then some for you. I feel your pain right now because it has been mine.

SoVerySadNow posted 6/12/2013 20:52 PM

God this is so painful to read. It's so familiar to way too many of us. Well put.
((((3k30y))))

Jrazz posted 6/12/2013 22:14 PM

It is emotionally and physically exhausting. Thank you for sharing your letter. Sending you big hugs and strength.

(((3k30y)))

Jospehine85 posted 6/12/2013 22:15 PM

(((3k30y)))

I cried when I read your letter.

Please let us know how he responded.

Blackhair posted 6/13/2013 08:34 AM

((3kids30years))
Big Hugs for you!
We can all related what you are going through and the pain you have.
I was thinking to write the same letter but i did not. I simply "suck it up" or to cry it out loud to my friends!

Blackhair posted 6/13/2013 08:34 AM

((3kids30years))
Big Hugs for you!
We can all related what you are going through and the pain you have.
I was thinking to write the same letter but i did not. I simply "suck it up" or to cry it out loud to my friends!

3kids30years posted 6/13/2013 11:14 AM

After I sent the email to WH - he called and said he got it. And it made him sad.

Nothing more. Regular conversation after that - picking up kids, dinner tonight, etc.

When I got home from work I was upset, but didn't say anything. I should have, but we have been up late the last couple of nights, and I wanted to give him a night off, a night we could both get some sleep.

I woke up early, again, and when he woke up I told him how hurt I was that he didn't respond to my email. He got defensive and said that it hadn't even been 24 hours. I started to cry and told him that he always responded to OW right away. I don't feel important enough to respond to. He said he did, that he called. I told him it wasn't enough.

Had to stop the conversation, breakfast, kid drop off, work. I am now at work. I hope he sends something today as a response. If he doesn't I will have to rethink our R. I can't feel like I am the one holding it together. The one making sure that he is safe and secure. I need to feel it too.

I have asked him for 2 things in the last couple of months. A timeline and a love letter to me. I have neither. My birthday was last week, he said he was writing me a letter to put in a card. I still haven't received anything. I don't feel special, or important.

Thank you for your understanding and support. Even if he doesn't get it, doesn't understand, it's nice to know that someone else does.

I'll let you know if I get a response. I'm not going to hold my breath. I'll just turn blue.

3k30y

solus sto posted 6/13/2013 11:38 AM

((((3k30y))) I'm sorry. I, too, know the feeling of, "not as important," and it's horrible.

Your husband needs to step up to the plate. No timeline or love letter? No birthday card?

No, that's not okay. Not ever, and especially not in the aftermath of such a betrayal.

I hope he gets where he needs to be before it's too late.

Millions of hugs to you.

Edith posted 6/13/2013 13:18 PM

Oh my dear, I feel your pain. I am so sorry.

I wanted you next to me. You didn't seem to want me there.

I don't know your story, so I have to ask are you sure his A is over? His actions are speaking to my suspicious nature.

I would start by maybe lighting some of his favorite things on fire. It might help you feel just a tiny bit better. Then pull the 180 and stop the lunches. You are only getting hurt more by this man. Hugs.

E.

KickedintheGut posted 6/13/2013 14:45 PM

Sweetie - you need to detach your happiness from him. I know that letter. Heck, I wrote that letter - right down to the love letter part. Got a whole heck of a lot of nothing back for months. Told him how upset I was. Told him that I was not going to be begging for the things he so easily gave to his AP. I think that was the point that I realized that I was relying on him to fix it. To fill in the part of me that his actions had exploded. And he couldn't.

3kids30years posted 6/14/2013 14:47 PM

Edith -
Pretty sure A is over. He is totally transparent, lets me know where is is at all times and is truly remorseful. I am with him anytime we have to see the OW. (Long story, daughters on same soccer team)

I am here because he seems to have all he wants, and I'm still hurting. It's almost as if he transferred everything (affection, feelings, sex) from me to her and now has transferred it all back.

I don't get it and need more than I had before. I bought the book 5 Love Languages for him. Now if he will just read it.

Kicked -
I am starting to get that. I want/need him to help fix me - he can't/won't. So I am working on me. I've lost 60+ pounds and I'm reconnecting with friends. (Started all this before DDay) I will get better, with or without him.

I will.

traditoperanni posted 6/14/2013 16:30 PM

3kids30years,

Gently I say this- you need to detach from him.
This man is not doing anything to help you heal, He can't give you a timeline nor even send you a love letter. He is acting like a spoiled brat.
Stop telling him how much you love him and start telling him what you NEED to have happen if he wants to stay M. You can't nice him back to the M.
What are his consequences? He just shattered your life and he gets a slap on the wrist and a love letter (a beautiful one at that).
You need to make him own up to what he did.

Take care.

3kids30years posted 6/19/2013 14:35 PM

Finally heard from my WH. Here is the email I received. Not perfect, but very nice.

I love you too 3k30y. I am so sorry I don't always show or say it in the best way. In spite of that it doesn't mean that I don't. I think about you all the time. How much i love and want you and also the terrible doubt and pain I have caused. It sickens me to know what I have done and how I could have so selfish and hurt you so. I wonder how I could be such an idiot and let things get to where they were. I know now that I can come to you with anything and you will be there. I can only hope that I can provide you with the same confidence someday. I know this is going to be a difficult and painful journey but i know in my heart that we can do this. there is no one in this world I would like to take a journey with than you.

I don't mind you asking questions and keeping me up. It is important for both of us. I unfortunately just don't do well after nights of sleep deprivation. I need to do the time line. I am so sorry for not doing a much better version. I just feel stupid because I don't remember things well. We have been going over things as I remember which I know is painful and probably not as helpful.

You are right when you say you don't compare. But not the way you think. You are a much better and more beautiful person who is not nearly as selfish, self centered and superficial. You have shown such love and compassion for me and I often feel I don't deserve you. I love you more now than ever. I see such beauty both physically and spiritually. Your love and understanding over the past three months has been amazing. I believe you are a better mother and wife than she is and will ever be. You have principle and morals which she obviously does not. I love and admire you for that. I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS BE A PART OF MY LIFE, as long as you'll have me. Be assured that I will never leave and I plan on being with you until my end.

You have been wonderful at filling my needs and I feel so inadequate at fulfilling yours. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you turn me on sooooo much. You are a fantastic and conscientious lover. I love your lips, how you kiss and the feel of your skin. I ADORE HOW YOU SMELL! I never get tired of seeing you naked.

I love how we share history and likes. We can relate to songs sports and lifestyles. I feel so much more connected and I want to care and protect you from any more hurt. That is why it is sometimes so hard to share hurtful information. I am having fun and enjoying you more than ever and I am so appreciative of that. You make me happy and smile. I love how we are us again. I can't wait until you feel the same way.

I worry about you constantly. You are working so hard on us and I love you for that. I hope I can do this right and that you'll keep me.

I Love you tons and tons and tons. WH

I actually got the email on Sunday. Just processing everything, but wanted to let you know that he did respond.

Thanks,3k30y

still2suspicious posted 6/19/2013 14:44 PM

3k30y

Can I ask how do YOU feel about his response?

OnAnIsland posted 6/19/2013 14:47 PM

Your letter is authentic and true. I am glad that he responded. Do his actions match these wonderful words and promises? Take your time. Take care of yourself.

3kids30years posted 6/19/2013 14:51 PM

Hi S2S,

I feel its a start. That at least he responded.

He didn't really address any of my questions, just made statements. Seems to be standard for him. I still struggle with what to do, this is so hard.
If I tell him what I want/need and he doesn't do it, I feel unimportant. If he does (and it doesn't happen often) I feel like he is just doing it because I asked. I want him take the initiative, to be proactive, not just reactive. I think he is trying, but neither of us really know what to do. How to heal. We need to start MC, but can't afford it right now. We may need to find a way.

FightingBack posted 6/19/2013 15:19 PM

Hi 3 kids,

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I know how this feels. We all do.

My H also cannot respond to my emails. Isn't it sad that we have to send emails? He also writes back pretty words and they may be quite sincere, but doesn't address what I have expressed to him. He says that he needs his notes in front of him to remember all that I have said.

He told me that he is happier now than he has ever been. I had to say that I am unhappier than ever. He was shocked and saddened by this.

I don't think they get the enormity of it all and how it has damaged us.

All this to say, I think I know how you feel and am sending you hugs.