Sent an email to my WH. We had lunch together today, but I am really hurting today.
Not sure where to turn, so here goes:
Hi Sweetie,
Just wanted to let you know that I love you. Very, very much. I am sorry that I start to doubt, especially late at night when you should be sleeping.
Sometimes my brain starts spinning and I can't get it to stop. I start thinking that I can't compare, can't over come, can't be what you want/need. I'm not sure what you need/want. I start thinking about the things you have told me, the things I have found out, the life you led without me. And it hurts. Deeply.
I want us to be able to move on, to heal, to laugh, love and smile. To be us again. I know it's hard, but I want you in my life. You are such a huge part of my life. I miss the fun we used to have, I miss the connection we used to have, I miss us. I worry that I'm trying to hard, that you aren't trying hard enough, that I won't be enough. That I'll wake up one morning and you'll be gone. If not physically, emotionally, mentally. I think that is why I wake up early now. To make sure you are still there.
When you tell me you love me, I believe you. But I also know that it's not enough. That it's only for now, not forever. That is gone. I miss it.
You say "I love you", and I hear in my head, "right now". I don't want to hear that anymore. I hear you say that you love the way I feel, and I hear in my head "right now". You hold me, and I know you held her the same way, told her the same things, loved her. The pain is enormous.
I need to stop that, I need to stop thinking that you said all the same things to her. That you told her you loved her, that you told me you loved her. Did you ever tell her you loved me? I doubt it. Only I got to hear that. You protected her. You didn't protect me. Would you protect me now? Are you still protecting her? What else don't I know? Just tell me. The finding out a little bit at a time is so painful, it is debilitating. I hurt more when I found out it was going on for over 2 years, that you spent so much time with her, that you think if her so often. That you would go to her place for lunch, that you planned to see her at work and at her place. That you planned to have sex with her. Often. It may not have worked out all the time, but you planned it. Looked forward to it, wanted it, wanted her. Not me. Each time, with each new admission, the pain starts again.
At lunch today, I had to ask you to sit next to me, I put my arm around you, rubbed your back, your shoulders. Played with your hair, caressed your thigh. I wanted you next to me. You didn't seem to want me there. I had to make an effort to stop. It's almost as bad as you actually stepping away. I feel like you step away, not physically, but mentally. You don't want me. Sometimes even at home, in bed together, I feel you slip away. And i know I can't make you stay.
I am so tired. Tired of asking you questions, tired of asking you for things, to do things, tired of wondering what I'll find out next. I am just so tired.
I love you, so much that it hurts sometimes. Sorry this is kinda all over. I just need to get some things out of my head. I hope this helps.