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Lowlow posted 6/12/2013 18:42 PM

So I'm nearly 4 months out from DD. on Friday, we "celebrate" our ten year anniversary.

My WH has been open about what happened , though only recently admitted that he, not OW was responsible for his actions.

My problem? In his telling of the events, he reveals to me that he asked her several times if he and OW had a future together. She said "no". Her single word "no" and the fact it was her decision not to continue makes me seriously wonder if we have a chance at making our marriage work. The fact is, if OW had said "yes", I'd be in the separation forum. WH says that it would have been the biggest mistake of his life. My question to you good folks is, how am I not supposed to feel second best? I was the backup option. Have any of you had this experience? Have you been able to forge a healthy relationship after such a revelation?

catlover50 posted 6/12/2013 19:25 PM

This didn't happen to me but I've been on SI long enough to hear of WHs that were actually engaged to the OW and came out of the "fog" to reconcile. I know this is very hurtful but doesn't necessarily mean he would have left you. The A relationship is a fantasy and many WSs wake up to that fact.

Hugs to you.

fourever posted 6/12/2013 19:39 PM

I totally agree. His actions will tell you.

Rise And Shine posted 6/12/2013 20:06 PM

Given the circumstances, how can you possibly, logically, realistically consider, even for a split second, the idea that you may be second best?!!

Her single word "no" and the fact it was her decision not to continue makes me seriously wonder if we have a chance at making our marriage work.

Your thinking isn't straight which is perfectly normal at 4 months out. If you were thinking straight- when you begin to think straight again, thoughts on whether your marriage stands a chance will be based solely on whether or not you'll be able to stomach who your husband turned out to be.

Listen, only a complete nincompoop would think that a "future" with a woman who not only cheats with them but cheats while planning a wedding with another man is a REALLY GOOD idea. I mean, who does that?? And who wants to be with someone who does that?

Finding the strength to stomach the mind of a man who put a higher value on their AP over their wife, even for a minute, is really your task at hand. It's a hard obstacle to work through and move past. I was so embarrassed for my WH and I looked down at him for a very long time. I questioned whether or not I could or should work through this issue in order to stay married to a man that I felt was beneath me- a man who DESERVED to be with his AP.

WH says that it would have been the biggest mistake of his life.

It's been over 4 years since my dday and I can say to you with confidence that if your WH is getting his head together than he means every word when he tells you that it would have been the biggest mistake of his life!

BS's never really get any sense of justice. We just have to eat it. Sometimes when I'm feeling evil I tell my WH that I should have let him go with his AP instead of saving his sorry ass. At least that way, watching him crash and burn would have been a little "BS" justice.

Jospehine85 posted 6/12/2013 21:32 PM

I was the backup option. Have any of you had this experience? Have you been able to forge a healthy relationship after such a revelation?

Yep and not yet.

I am one of the BWs that catlover referred to. My WH was engaged to his MOW. She had told her BH she wanted a separation 3 months earlier. MOW and WH were planning our divorce, their life together, figuring out where they were going to live until my kids were out of high school, where they would live after that, how many weekends a month MOW could tolerate having my kids with them, their next 3 vacations and how they were going to pretend they didn't meet until 4 months after he left so the kids wouldn't know she broke up their family (she didn't want to deal with angry kids).

Upon confrontation on Dday my WH told me he was in love with WH and leaving. I threw him out. He wouldn't leave and threw MOW under the bus.

I am struggling with exactly your issue.

What we need to keep reminding ourselves is that we weren't second best to an OW. We were second best to our WH's ego. What they are in love with is a fantasy projected on to a convenient person willing to reflect back a spectacular self-image to them.

The OW could have been anyone.

My WH has decided his MOW looks like Alfred E Neuman and that he was actually bothered by "the worst boob job (he had) ever seen. She has the nastiest scars and stretch marks" and her "disgusting belly fat". Yet on Dday he claimed he lusted after her. She was hot.

In reality, what really turned him on was how she would stroke his ego and tell him how fabulous he was.

Look in Wayward. There is a thread right now (just random thoughts, BS welcome) about the wayward's desire for external validation and why getting compliments from the BS doesn't give the same strokes.

Of course, despite being able to understand this, I have yet to be able to feel like I am in love with WH. It's just gone and I do not know how to get it back. I have been told it takes time. But there must be something we/I should be doing during that time to get it back. I just don't know what it is.

I also started a thread about how ashamed I feel some times for staying with him. For crap sake, if I told the neighbors "Oh yeah WH was engaged to a woman who has been married multiple times, cheated on her spouses multiple times, passed a STD on to me, drinks to blackout on a regular basis, hates kids, but is apparently the soulmate he has waited his entire life for and I was only make do" they would think I was certifiable for not leaving him.

Jospehine85 posted 6/12/2013 21:54 PM

I just want to add that my WH is doing everything he can now. He is finally being the spouse I always wanted.

Yet, now I don't think I want him anymore.

Lowlow posted 6/13/2013 08:31 AM

Thanks to you all for your thoughtful responses. I had never thought that it wasn't true love between WH and OW. I guess I have to open my mind a bit more to the possibility that it was lust/chemical and not love. It's just that his words, sentiment and premeditated actions for me all add up to 'he doesn't love me anymore'... and he loved someone else.

I should focus on the good things I suppose. He is still in IC (so am I). We are making good progress in MC (who is very good). I have come to understand why he made the shitty choices he did (I don't have to like it--but at least he can tell me about it). He is telling me his feelings and trying to reach out to me. And he's busting his back to clean up the mess he has made (flowers, repainting, decorating, destroying hurtful items). I guess Rome wasn't built in a day. I am grateful for all he is doing. I'm just resentful that despite my continued attempts to communicate with him before, during and after the A were completely ignored.

I just can't get over the emotional part of his affair...

Jospehine85 posted 6/13/2013 16:38 PM


I totally get what you are saying. I went through exactly the same thing with WH.

The reality is that even though he may have been in love with a fantasy and not a person, he wasn't in love with me.

He still tries to insist he never stopped loving me, but I tell him that statement doesn't jive with the actions I witnessed.

I have a hard time accepting love from him now because I don't trust it and because I feel ashamed. I am not sure he really loves me vs. he's making a heroic attempt to save his reputation and finances.

It's possible that the A was the deal breaker for me and I won't get over it. I think this because I am 13 mos out and not one speck of my passion has returned for him. I feel sorry for him, I care about him, but I do not love him. He had been so cruel, for so long, that even before Dday I didn't love him.

You are only 4 months out Lowlow. Your feelings will continue to change for quite some time. I would look towards the overall trend of how you are feeling towards your WH and not at the day-to-day swings.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/13/2013 17:44 PM

Happened to me, too.

I'm struggling with it and the best answer I found for myself is that my WW couldn't possibly have chosen the OM over me without fully knowing him -- which she doesn't since they never lived life together like we did for 12 years.

Who am I kidding? I'm struggling with being second best, too. Grrrrr.

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