Two of my three openly admit that they see & do more with their father now that we're separated than they ever did before. One of those two is especially resentful of this fact. The third will not see or admit the possibility of this reality. For the time being, though, my three seem thrilled to come home with arms laden with toys galore. Toys, books, games galore. And are happy to be taken to movies & fun places & outings which I cannot possibly afford. I can afford none of it. I scrape the barrel just to come up with money to buy them a new pair of shoes (because STBX will NOT buy them anything necessary like that, will not, will not, will not).
When, oh when, do kids figure out that they are being bought? It's not like I sit around fuming about this. I don't. But Tesla's post tonight has brought the issue up in my mind again.
(No, I'm not going to specify my kids' ages. That they are in elementary school is hopefully age-specific enough. Sorry!)
I wish my kids never realized that, but they do.
As much as their Dad pisses ME off, I wish he didn't also piss them off...and he does sometimes. I wish it were seamless and I could just seem like 'cray mom', but it's not that way IRL.
As she got older and needed him to be there emotionally, she saw the fail. It was a bumpy ride, but she's college age now and hasn't seen her dad in a year or more.
Looking back, I wonder what I could have gotten had I been an opportunistic type of kid willing to take everything he was willing to give. But that wasn't my style. I'm still not good at receiving gifts. Me exWH gave gifts for his own purposes, too.
"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink
They're good people because you raised them that way.
That's what I am battling at times. Dad can 'do' the big vacations and Christmas gifts, I can't...but if he's willing, why not? It's sorta ill really, but what can you do?
Let the kids enjoy what BOTH of you can provide, even when it's really effing different.
[This message edited by wannabenormal at 9:42 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
My youngest is 12 he is waivering between no wanting to see him and hoping he will change sadly that will never happen.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Life's good.
STBX isn't so much Disney Mom, as far as buying them a bunch of stuff (although she's planning her third trip to Dallas for Six Flags in the past 5 months...). Her DisneyMom stuff is more about limited boundaries, and letting them do whatever they want (DS18 having parties at her house with her not there).
I'm just doing my best to provide a safe and stable envrionment for my kids. I pledge to 'be there' for them, and teach them values rather than buy them a bunch of crap or take them to amusement parks.
I just have faith they will know who they can depend on.
I'm just doing my best to provide a safe and stable envrionment for my kids. I pledge to 'be there' for them, and teach them values rather than buy them a bunch of crap or take them to amusement parks. I just have faith they will know who they can depend on.
This. Although sometimes I wonder if I'm the Disney parent, because I'm the one that does activities with J, takes him on vacation, etc. But at the end of the day, I don't really care. I know that J will see me for what I am and will see his father for what he is soon enough. So I just do the best job I can with the resources that I can.
I was 10 when I figured him out.
I stopped seeing him for visitation when I was 12.
I think kids learn very quickly, but don't really understand it until they've matured.
Let's face it, who doesn't like being lavished by gifts and treats and travel and all that "stuff"?
BUT, when push comes to shove and those kids need a shoulder to cry on or some advice, they will come to you, NG. They know that you are their rock and that they can count on you, no matter what comes up or when it happens. They won't go to their Dad. You know them better than they know themselves - you are connected to them on so many levels. Their Dad is not.
I think your kids will eventually realize that they just don't know their father and that he hasn't really taken the time to know them. Even though they'll be more than happy to accept his gifts now, there are no real emotional bonds there, and they will lose interest. Once they see that they can get their own "stuff" and go places on their own, there won't be any real need to spend much time with dear old Dad.
Just be there for your kids, in the ways you have always been. Be the best Mom you can be and you'll see that your kids will eventually know the difference between you and their Dad.
It does suck during the early years, though.
Hang in there.
(((Nature_Girl))))
They used visitations to their advantage After they called him on it. They said "How come when we asked you to take us to X before you left, you always said Maybe Later?". His response "Now is Later". So, while he didn't take them to Disney World (we actually had already paid for our trip as a family for last summer - I got a refund when he left), he did take them to the arcade, waterpark, bowling, fishing, movies, etc. ALL the stuff the boys wanted to do before - but he never would go.
Now that H is home, the boys get scheduled parent/kid date night with each of us and family time. Exactly what I tried to do for them before he left.
While the boys were milking their dad for every dime he could spend on them, the three of us created an emotional bond together that he will never understand or be a part of. He's been home since Feb and they still don't talk to him about their problems or personal thoughts. They come to me instead. I was the one who didn't leave them. I was the one who took care of them. He just spent money.
It's sad really...waywards give up so much for their unicorns. They don't care about the ramifications to the people that should matter most to them - their kids.
It takes knowing someone well to give a good gift. As the divorce moves through, N_G, and this "putting on a good show" phase from your soon to be ex dwindles, he'll choose to be around the kids less and less.
That means the gifts, even expensive ones, will be less and less relevant to who they are and what's important to them as he becomes more disconnected from them.
I've mentioned how I'm pretty sure our ex's were separated at birth. I never saw my ex lavish more "attention" on the kids than in the six months the divorce was processed. The minute the papers were signed, we didn't see him for three months.
Then we didn't see him for six months. Now we see him once a year or so.
The masks can't be used for long without serious maintenance. These men don't bother with maintenance if they aren't getting something out of it - some reward. Spending time with the kids won't be enough of a reward.
My kids knew who/what he was way before I thought they would. Be you. Love your babies. Keep giving them the stability and safety you always have. It makes all the difference.
[This message edited by Reality at 6:19 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
I was very early 20's when my mother abandoned my father and he was always the stricter one. I am by far the stricter one now, often called "Schedule Mom", but you know what? Who I trust now, a lifetime later, is my father.
My mother is very glittery, clingy to DD, loud, full of laughter that's not always real and always, always has a sugar treat and toys--this is Perv now.
Problem is, they can't seem to find a promise to DD they can actually keep and she is aware of it now. She said, "it hurts when someone says something of a plan and it never, never happens." I work very hard not to talk about a plan or outing out loud or something to buy and would rather just do the action and tell her shortly ahead. This has always been my way and I notice since Perv is gone he doesn't do that anymore and is breaking promises nearly every visit.
The short end of the stick in my opinion is, they get it. Whether or not they talk about it seems different for every kid, but it doesn't take long to see through the glitter (dinners out and toys).
I tell DD point blank, "I have no money but want to spend time with you anyway" and that gets accepted with a smile and we do quieter, more every day things.
You know, too, kids figure out who they can count on, whether they tell us or not, they know.
Glitter is very shiny and exciting, but at the end of the day or night, who is generally there with them? Yes, I believe they know. Quite soon.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
-George Washington
We were having some serious talks with my eldest (twelve) about what would happen if I died as I am making my will. She asked if they could all stay with my current partner and still go and see dad on weekends, as my current partner is "stricter and more organised, and that is much better while we are at school".
I have never, ever denigrated my ex-husband, I have facilitated and encouraged a relationship between him and the kids, even when they were not keen on seeing him when they were younger. I hate him with a deep and fiery passion, but they have absolutely no clue about that.
So yes, you keep being the best parent you can be - and sometimes that means that you have to be a co-parent when you really dont want to be - and the kids WILL get it.
