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Phoenix1 posted 6/13/2013 01:10 AM

So I have been in the S/D forum as we are separated (by several states) and were working thru a dissolution. A health scare for me brought everything to a stop (WH's request). We had not spoken since March, but started with the health issue. WH initiated that as well. We have been talking almost daily for about two weeks now. He initiated the conversation about starting to discuss the A. That is a huge step for him. I told him I was open to talking as long as it is fully open and honest. The fact that he readily agreed was another huge step. He is not a "let's talk it out" kind of person. He knows I am prepared to go thru with D, but the health scare may have actually broke thru the pride and the fog. I told him we will take it very slow and he better not shut me out like he has done in the past. He said he wouldn't and he was ready to really talk. My guard is completely up, I am still going to protect myself from a strategic perspective, but after 30 years I am willing to give it a try. This means being very cautiously optimistic about our future and a possible R. I told him it will only work if he is fully committed, and he said he was. That is more positive response than he has EVER given in the past. The fact that he is making these positive overtures for the first time is at least a little encouraging, but obviously time will tell as to whether he is true to his word.

I never wanted a D, but he left me with no alternative. Finally, perhaps the fog is lifting and he is realizing our M is worth steps....

Myheartstillhurt posted 6/13/2013 10:41 AM

I think it is awesome that your WH is opening up. Sometimes it takes something big for them to come out of it. I hope your health scare turned out to be ok.

Phoenix1 posted 6/13/2013 13:41 PM

Thank you MHSH. The fact that he is actually acting way outside his norm (for the better) is what has my attention. As for the health issue, it was not the worst case scenario and is manageable, which is good. Given what we were going thru (D), and that we weren't even speaking except for terse emails, his overwhelming supportive response really took me surprise, in a good way for a change. I always thought our M was worth fighting for, but I have had to wait for him to get to that point, and he might just be there. Fingers crossed, but still detached enough not to get hurt again, just in case.

Myheartstillhurt posted 6/14/2013 22:10 PM

You know what I find interesting, I think some of us just become naturally detached to an extent that it almost is impossible to hurt us in that horrific way again.

I am in a true R, its been real since right after dday. He has worked and walked through hell. But, I am always kind of prepared to find out he has done something. There are no signs, no gut feelings, no nothing, but I have made a firm decision that if he cheated again, I am totally done.

I am pretty sure it would hurt again, but nothing in comparison like it did. I don't have to work hard to be somewhat detached, because I truly do feel infidelity brings a natural change in the relationship to where we never 100% let down our guard. I feel my guard is down 98%, but having that trust betrayed in the way we did takes away that blind love and faith in our spouse.

And it is ok to me to be this way, because I know good boundaries and I am not living life like a gullible idiot anymore. I know how cruel things can be and I also know how well the hard work can pay off.

So, what I intended with all of this is to say maybe not to focus so much on being detached, I think it is there whether you work on it or not. If the relationship is salvageable and you think you both can move forward, then awesome. If he turns out to be fooling you, you will realize it and I do not think the pain will be nearly as great as initially. We can only try and if it doesn't work then we know we gave it our all. And in the end, our own self preservation and satisfaction is intact.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/14/2013 23:54 PM

I'm glad he's being their for you now. And I'm glad you feel lie giving him another chance. I hope everything works out well, M and health both. Stress has a major effect on health. I hope he can support you enough to help sooth any stressful feelings you have.

Phoenix1 posted 6/15/2013 04:45 AM

We continue to talk, though there are some issues of concern. We will remain separated for a while due to financial and other reasons. That certainly won't help, but it is unavoidable right now. At least we are talking and no longer biting each other's head off...

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