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PhoenixStorm posted 6/13/2013 05:25 AM

After getting into it several times in the last few months, I finally did tell my WS that I forgive him. I do. I forgive him the act, the big mistake. The fact that he threw her under the bus immediately after dday helped.
However, he wasn't much to give up details and I find that after a year and a half, he doesn't turn me on much anymore. For one thing, each time we have sex I am wondering if he did this or that to her. I am so preoccupied with this that a lot of times I just don't even want to do anything. When we do, I can't have an orgasm. Any one else have this problem and if so, what did you do to deal with it. For one thing, maybe it's just me, but part of the turn on was that my WH has this muscular hot body and it was all mine, not to be shared. And the fact.. that he loved me and married me. I feel like this is all gone now, he shared what was precious to us and I don't see how someone who is truly your soulmate can fuck somebody else.
Fog or no fog.
I am trying so hard in the reconciliation process, but I just don't feel like he is my soulmate anymore. I worry that I'm never going to get over this and be able to move on.

windowsnotwalls posted 6/13/2013 06:17 AM

the big mistake

A's aren't mistakes. Mistake is a minimizing word.

Any one else have this problem and if so, what did you do to deal with it.

Yes. Have you spoken with your WS about your feelings? I didn't break this, and I can't fix my feelings with him during intimacy without his involvement in the healing process. So, I opened up, talked about a very difficult subject for me. I already had such a low self-esteem in that area after the infidelity, that it was hard for me to admit "there's something wrong". We're still in the fixing stage. Part of the fixing stage for me included a period of abstinence (still in that), where I needed him to show me he understood there were more forms to intimacy besides sex. Basically, we've reverted back to the very beginning of dating. Sure, it used to be my duty not to withhold myself, ensure his needs were met. However, I finally realized, that "duty" went out the window when he broke his duty to make sure he wasn't fucking anyone else. KWIM? Now, just as if we were just meeting, it is NOT a reasonable expectation because I spend time with him that we will have sex. Sex will happen when I'm comfortable and wanting it, when I can let loose too.

Initially, he totally fought this, threw a little temper tantrum. However, after a couple weeks, he began to see the benefits. His first sign was realizing he wasn't feeling the emotional rollercoaster of our sex life anymore. Then he began to enjoy other forms of intimacy, really enjoy them.

Used to be:
Him: "What happened to you?!"
Me: "I'm sorry."
Him: "I need to feel wanted too!"

Him: "What happened to my soulmate?" (playful tone)
Me: "Find her"
Him: "That's the plan!" (happily)

The entire tone has changed. He's happy to discover new ways to help me feel comfortable. We're finally tackling this issue as a couple. It's not just my problem anymore. I don't have to bear the burden alone.

He's excited to take things back to the beginning, put in the work to learn me all over again, but with the intimate knowledge of me gained over the years.

Communicate with your WS is my suggestion. You didn't break this, and you aren't responsible to fix this alone.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 6:19 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

ifinallyfoundme posted 6/13/2013 08:41 AM

I understand exactly how you feel. Of course he did the same thing to me as he did to her. As a matter of fact I am sure that in the heat of passion he my even forget for a second who he is about a mood killer for him but that does not free him from his obligation to fulfill your sexual needs. He must learn your body all over again and what turns you on. My WH really needed to educate himself about sex and the female body.
But meantime how do you get your rocks off? Have a drink,relax, smoke a joint, get your vibrator and screw his ass like you are doing Brad Pit or until you are relieved
No lovy dovy just sex.It's a real eye opener for them.
He lowered his status as a one woman man so now he is just a roll in the hay...hmmmm

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 8:44 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

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