the big mistake
A's aren't mistakes. Mistake is a minimizing word.
Any one else have this problem and if so, what did you do to deal with it.
Yes. Have you spoken with your WS about your feelings? I didn't break this, and I can't fix my feelings with him during intimacy without his involvement in the healing process. So, I opened up, talked about a very difficult subject for me. I already had such a low self-esteem in that area after the infidelity, that it was hard for me to admit "there's something wrong". We're still in the fixing stage. Part of the fixing stage for me included a period of abstinence (still in that), where I needed him to show me he understood there were more forms to intimacy besides sex. Basically, we've reverted back to the very beginning of dating. Sure, it used to be my duty not to withhold myself, ensure his needs were met. However, I finally realized, that "duty" went out the window when he broke his duty to make sure he wasn't fucking anyone else. KWIM? Now, just as if we were just meeting, it is NOT a reasonable expectation because I spend time with him that we will have sex. Sex will happen when I'm comfortable and wanting it, when I can let loose too.
Initially, he totally fought this, threw a little temper tantrum. However, after a couple weeks, he began to see the benefits. His first sign was realizing he wasn't feeling the emotional rollercoaster of our sex life anymore. Then he began to enjoy other forms of intimacy, really enjoy them.
Used to be:
Him: "What happened to you?!"
Me: "I'm sorry."
Him: "I need to feel wanted too!"
Him: "What happened to my soulmate?" (playful tone)
Me: "Find her"
Him: "That's the plan!" (happily)
The entire tone has changed. He's happy to discover new ways to help me feel comfortable. We're finally tackling this issue as a couple. It's not just my problem anymore. I don't have to bear the burden alone.
He's excited to take things back to the beginning, put in the work to learn me all over again, but with the intimate knowledge of me gained over the years.
Communicate with your WS is my suggestion. You didn't break this, and you aren't responsible to fix this alone.
[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 6:19 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]