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Go to Graduation dinner or not?

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jackie89 posted 6/13/2013 06:46 AM

So today is my DS high school graduation.

Yesterday, the kids had dinner at Dad's and my DS comes home and announces that we're all going out to dinner with Dad after ceremonies.

Now, we had been pretty civil for the most part since separation, but I have now put on my Bitch Boots, because he likes to manipulate me with money, and when money starts to enter the picture all hell is starting to break loose with STBXH. Our last communication via e-mail was me telling saying "you don't give a fuck, about anything but you and your money, so Fuck it" and him responding with I like to create these fights, especially the week of graduation and playing the victim, that I use him as a punch bag"

So needless to say I am not in a good place to play happy family in a restaurant.

The going out to dinner was my DS's suggestion. If I don't go, I'll disappoint my Kid, and I'll be the bad guy, "I can't ever get over it, not even for a night" I'm immature, etc. I can just hear him saying it.

I just don't know how to go about this, I was doing good with NC, was just planning on being at the ceremony sitting in different area, then leaving with the kids out to a pizza place or something.

Do I just go and suck it up? Or can I politely tell my son, that It will be just too awkward?

Take2 posted 6/13/2013 07:18 AM

I really admire those who can suck it up and deal with these situations. Me, given the circumstances... I'm not one of them.

My first thought was that DS really shouldn't be suggesting, let alone "announcing" that you are all going to a family outing under the circumstances... (Does he know the circumstances of the S/D...?)

Now, if you can suck it up - suck it up! And more power to you!

If you can't, I would just say that things are too intense right now for you to go out with his father to dinner, but that you'd love to take him out at another time to celebrate his achievement. (Maybe better to have some specific plans, or ask what he'd like to do...)

Anyway, my 2 cents...

neverbeokay posted 6/13/2013 08:16 AM

My son graduated yesterday, my daughter on Monday. I have hosted or will host grad parties for both, and my kids invited my ex to both. He also came over to my house yesterday with my family.

He has not contributed AT ALL to any of these celebrations, senior dues, or college deposits. But all of that is for another day.

These graduation celebrations are all about my kids and what they have achieved. I don't want any parental drama to be what they remember.

So if you can suck it up and go, I think you should go. If you really think it will be too hard to be cordial, or if you think your ex will goad you or otherwise feed the drama, then just say, have fun with dad and I will take you out the next day (or whenever).

Good luck and congrats to your son.

scotslass posted 6/13/2013 08:45 AM

Just my two cents worth.

I would suck it up (as hard as that is) put your best cordial, polite face on and go attend the dinner. Remember this is all a game - and you want to be the winner.

My 18DS just graduated this past Saturday morning, my daughter and I were there together, afterwards we went searching for my son to congratulate him and have our pics taken. Come to find out that he and his Dad had already left the facility. You cannot imagine how hurt I am by this - my ex has manipulated my children to the nth degree. I know that but it still does not take away the hurt.

Please go, this is a huge day for your child. I know its difficult but we have to be bigger.

jackie89 posted 6/13/2013 09:01 AM

Thank you for all the replies.

@Take2 - yes DS, unfortunately know most of the details of his dad's A. But I have tried really hard for the kids to always maintain a great relationship with their Dad. DS, was 16 was this came out - and he took it hard. But now seems to have a pretty good relationship with Dad.

My heart is telling me to just suck it up, what I am afraid of is ME, as I am already going to be an emotional wreck (my baby is graduating crap) so, any little thing or comment that STBX says, might just set me off - and then ruin it!

But, like Scotslass said this is a game, and I want to be the winner. I like that, thank You!

osxgirl posted 6/13/2013 09:38 AM

As you work to just suck it up and get through, think of it this way:

You are celebrating being one step closer to not having to deal with him anymore. (Ok, not completely true - there will still be the weddings/grandkids/etc.) But it does put you one step closer to not having to do the day-to-day negotiation about raising your child.

KeepOnMovin posted 6/13/2013 10:01 AM

I just went through this. Did having STBX and all of her family over set me back? Yeah, some.

But, I kept it all about my son. It was his day.

If you can keep the adult stuff out if it, then I say go. If not, then don't. Better for his memory to be that you were sorry to miss it, rather than it was a huge fight between mom and dad

Cabrona posted 6/13/2013 10:04 AM

STBXH is paying for dinner? I think its time to order lobster and steak... and enjoy every bite

debbysbaby posted 6/13/2013 10:38 AM

I am eight years out from my divorce. A couple years ago we might have been able to do a joint dinner but things are tense since I'm in the middle of court with my ex over past due child support. He is in disagreement with me about the amount. A significant amount.

My daughter graduated a week ago. She had wanted to go out to eat at her favorite restaurant after graduation. She mentioned it to her dad and he took it upon himself to have it be a big shindig with his extended family. They would all be here from out of town.

My family was in town for the event but they arrived the night before. While originally the plan was for it to be every one at the dinner at the restaurant, I sat down with my daughter and told her that it might be tense having both families there with all the animosity from the way the divorce occurred. She knows what her dad did because he left us for the OW and married her. I told her I would be alright but I couldn't really control what others might say. I asked her if it would be okay if we did our own celebration with my side of the family the night before and she could have dinner with her dad and his side of the family at the restaurant. She agreed that was a good idea and that is how we proceeded.

I did not want to have dinner with the poopsmear and his family. It would have caused ulcers for me. I was better off not having to do so and fortunately my daughter was okay with that.

If you really don't think you can do it, sit DS down and tell him you guys will have your own celebration and he will come out the winner having gotten to celebrate twice.

Pippy posted 6/13/2013 21:46 PM

My parents were freshly divorced when I graduated from college and refused to attend the ceremony, let alone any celebration dinner.

So I didn't bother going to my grad ceremony. And I still am hurt about this, 47 years later.

The message that I took from it is they didn't love me enough to put me first, just once.

jackie89 posted 6/14/2013 07:44 AM

So I went to the dinner, We sat in the same row at the ceremony (DD in between), so we had managed to break the ice.

DS was happy, we took pictures together and separate. Then drove to restaurant together, bc of parking. But it is clear to kids where we are, so no confusion there.

We managed to have a nice dinner and talk about DS's senior week in North Carolina and keep things neutral.

I'm glad I sucked it up, held it together.

And another thing it accomplished... I'm almost, thisclose to MEH with STBXH.

[This message edited by jackie89 at 7:45 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

scotslass posted 6/14/2013 07:52 AM

Jackie89 - you are such a strong woman. You have shown your children how to be a parent, even through extremely difficult situations.

That's what being a parent is about - putting their needs before ours!

jackie89 posted 6/14/2013 08:15 AM

Thank You Scotslass!

This infidelity crap, either it breaks you, or it makes one strong person, and if someone told me 2 years ago that I would be where I am emotionally, after all the pain I have endured? I would have told them NO WAY!

I thank and ask GOD everyday for strength and health, everything else -will eventually work it self out!

And look at your struggles, you have gone through a lot too!! We'll make it.. we will!

Take2 posted 6/14/2013 09:04 AM

That's awesome Jackie! You Rock! Time to treat yourself to something really nice!

Pippy posted 6/14/2013 16:50 PM

You'll never know how much this meant to your DS ( and DD). You're a great Mom!

jackie89 posted 6/14/2013 20:13 PM

Thank You so much Pippy! I can still hear your pain, the kids have gonne through enough pain, I am glad that I didn't add to it on this milestone for DS.

I feel at times that I am not always a great mom.. my emotions sometimes get the best of me!

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